I Just Herd You, So Call Me, Maybe?

LAST NIGHT:
Herd: ???, Flex: Less than ???
Everyone else: Does. Not. Matter.

NEXT WEEK:
Sniff, sniff.  Someone hold me.

GAME NOTES:
Let's get this out of the way first.  Go watch this infectiously catchy little ditty.  OK, you're done.  And you're smiling, right?  Now commence reading of your last Herd Report of the year.

Where do you even start to recap an evening like last night?  Just when you thought PGF was done for the year, a last minute flurry of emails (OK, it was 2) pulled together the heart of PGF for one last hurrah.  While game strategy was discussed, the Herd also learned of what should likely be the official drink of Purple.  While the name of this particular drink cannot be typed here, it sounded delightfully intoxicating.

The game itself didn't disappoint.  Which is a good thing seeing as how Herd attendance records were shattered last night by the Pack the Stands with Purple campaign.  Did we have fans?  Yes.  Celebrity doppelgangers?  Hi there, Maggie Gyllenhaal.  Dogs?  Uh-huh.  2nd generation Herd Superstars?  Yep, those too.  And let's not forget about Legend's Mom.  In. The. House.

Strong work was done on both sides of the ball on this evening built for softball.  Herd MVP fill-in Rhonda "Please join us again in the spring" flashed a golden glove and smacked the ball like that unlucky cousin who gets stuck with the fly swatter at the family BBQ.  Shannon "Dyson is better than Rainbow AND Hoover combined" Craft sucked up balls in the outfield with aplomb in addition to the phenomenal hitting we've come to require from her.  Also playing like the consummate professional was Heather "Dun-dun-dun Da-da-dun-dun" Miller, who finished out her attack on this season like it was powered by bath salts (but seriously, Herd, lets stay away from those in the off season, mmmkay?  #nozombieapocalypse).  She and Ice also made up the female contingent of Postgame festivities at Las Estrellas, raising the attractiveness of the bunch tenfold.

The Herd really came up big all night.  Chad "Biggie" White held down the hot corner and with his glove and arm said "No soup for you" to Flex on multiple occasions.  Christopher "Freak" Nixon, after noticing that Flow was watching, decided to smoke the ball, but kept in the park.  You know, to throw them off the scent of our loaded Orange Crush.  Bryan "Temporarily Homer" Timmons, on the other hand, celebrated the 6th anniversary of barely hitting a home run over the shortest part of the smallest field by...barely hitting a home run over the shortest part of the smallest field!  I don't care, I'll take it!  Not to be outdone, Hollywood John "Eso es lo que ella dice" Spivey finished out the season like every other game this year, by stroking a long ball deep over the wall.  That's what she said indeed, sir.

Scott "Freddie Mercury" Walkush not only accounted for the majority of Herd fans, but also fanned multiple batters, killed the ball, and showed the hustle we all adore while chasing down a foul ball.  He WILL rock you.  And speaking of hustle, look no further than Rose "Charlie Hustle" Ketner.  While she didn't slide headfirst into any bases, she did a couple nice pirouettes out there that would have made Natalie Portman proud.  Erin "Fantasy" Haneline hit the ball better, harder, faster, stronger than Kanye West ever could dream.  And she EH'd and played every position on the field.  Twice.  Mike "I run marathons now and no longer need to focus on batting" Swaim kept a questionable score book that may or may not have extended the game beyond the mercy rule.  No, Coach, none of us really wanted it to end.

Who are we forgetting?  Someone unforgettable.  I recall Ashley "Legend/Brett Favre" Perdue retiring once before.  And I also recall amazing things from her in her swan song game, and last night was no different.  To say that she used her bat like Picasso used a brush would be a good analogy, painting the field with beautifully placed hits to all corners of the diamond.  Ashley, if you do in fact re-retire, we will miss you greatly.  No kidding around about that.

Awards!

The Shannon Craft Award for being Shannon Craft award goes to...Ashley Flippin' Perdue.  The Legend.  'Nuff said.

The Redding/Haneline award for most gut-wrenching slide goes to...Rose Ketner!  Why slide when you can hop, skip, and jump into the bag?

The Herd Management's Spirit award goes to...The Bleachers!  Moms, wives, babies, dogs, co-workers, friends.  Oh My!


Random Herd Facts:

The Herd watched the first steps on the moon...From his summer home on Mars.

The Herd visits an active volcano every morning to get some of "the best damn espresso on Earth".

Harry Potter needs 8 movies to seek and destroy Voldemort. The Herd needs 4 seconds.

The Herd once allowed himself to be bitten by a werewolf. He actually finds full moons quite soothing.

Arnold Schwarzenegger always says he'll be back, but the Herd always handles things the first time.

(Loaded) Bats? We don't need no stinkin' (loaded) bats.

LAST NIGHT:
Herd 21, Flow 5
Everyone else: Who cares, we won!  Woohoo!


NEXT WEEK:
6:30 vs. Flex on WP #3
Pregame Festivities: Done for the season, aren't you sad you missed out last night?


ABSENT NEXT WEEK:
Anyone?






GAME NOTES:
In its long and storied history, many things have been said of the Herd.
"Are you from the Dash?"
"Can I pleeeeeeeaaaaase try out for the team?"
"Can I get a picture and an autograph?"
"Oh no, do we have to play the Herd again?"
"This team will be an easy win."


Not until last night, in the "good game" line no less, has the Herd heard cries of loaded bat.  Cheater.  Very attractive and young-looking team (at least 2 of those happened).  That's right, the same Herd that has a) been mercy ruled in all but 2 3 games this season, and b) used the same old bats for approximately 5 seasons, have stooped to the level of trickery and bat shaving to get ahead at the end of a lost season.  Maybe steroids too.  And while we're being honest, I've been wearing those heelie roller skate shoes to track down balls in the outfield.  That sounds about right, right?  How could the Herd go from zero to giant cheating hero in a mere week?  Let's take a look.


In an inauspicious start, PGF attendance set a new record low.  Really, I felt the need to mention that, but don't want to talk about it.  It just hurts too bad.  Maybe, just maybe, PGF can return to its glory days in the spring?  The game started like most games have this season.  The Herd batted a few, didn't score, and gave up a few runs to start in a hole.  Uh oh.  But then something happened.  Something awesome.  The Herd played ball.  The Herd batted around.  The Herd scored 21 runs.  We locked up the defensive end, anchored by brilliant pitching, hitting and chants of "get it in! get it in!" by Scott "the Goose was totally loose, for real" Walkush.  Fueled by the soundtrack to Rock of Ages, Bryan "Micheal Duble" Timmons waited for a while to get on base.  This blast of amazingly awesome hair band music would not translate to immediate success in the game and Doubles/Duble got out a lot before finally finding some solid base hits after some coaching from Rose "Ket" Kettner and some great sign-calling from Ashley "Legen...wait for it...dary" Perdue.


Biggie "Trip Zs/Gazelle" White not only shook up the lineup while serving duties of Herd Management, but hit the ball brilliantly.  And watching the grace and pure power of the Gazelle legging out a triple brings tears to the eyes of most mortal men and women.  Glorious.  Heather "Ice" Miller shook off some pregame goosebumps as well as a long string of great hits to the wrong spots to return to her normal form, crushing the ball and (oh-oh-oh-OH-oh) hangin' tough in LF.  John "Sparkles" Spivey continues his assault on the ball and extended his home run streak to 72 games.  Shannon Craft Award secured her namesake award for being Shannon Craft, not only hitting the ball well, but also running bases hard in front of Duble.


Christopher "Freak" Nixon barely escaped a streak through the quad to the gymnasium at PGF, only to show up to the game, field and hit better than all of Flow AND provide that juiced bat that made us awesome again.  And who are we forgetting?  Oh yeah.  Help Me, Rhonda (bow, bow, bow, bow) stepped in to fill the void left by DTKB and Fantasy admirably.  Anchoring 2B, joining the Herd hit parade, and sweating excellence (as is required by Herd bylaws).  Rhonda, we're a superstitious bunch, so we're gonna go ahead and need you to play next week, mmmmmkay?  And Herd, remember - no one washes any of yesterday's game attire before next week's swan song.



Awards!


The Shannon Craft Award for being Shannon Craft award goes to...Our beloved Orange Bat that shall now and forevermore be known as the Differencemaker (or something better that you think up).


The Redding/Haneline award for most gut-wrenching slide goes to...John Spivey!  You say blooper duck snort of a base hit, Sparkles says no ma'am.


The Herd Management's Spirit award goes to...Herd Managment!  We missed you.  So much.  But it felt like you were right there, giving too-hard high fives and back pats.  I hope you bet it all on Purple in the casinos last night.


The Whatchu talkin' bout, Willis? award goes to...Christopher Nixon!  The Herd thanks you for doing what we all wanted to do post game - call out that team for calling us out as cheaters.




Random Herd Facts:


The Herd can tap dance in flip-flops.


Fast food restaurants were created so that people could eat while running from the Herd.


The Herd's rice krispies don't say crap until he tells them to.


The Herd shot the sheriff, but he did not shoot the deputy. He roundhouse kicked him in the face instead.

Herd's a Champion

LAST NIGHT:
Herd 15, Flex 5
Everyone else: Who cares, we won!  Woohoo!

NEXT WEEK:
7:30 vs. Lit'l Ms Tidy on WP #4
Pregame Festivities: YES! Location: TBD

ABSENT NEXT WEEK:
Bueller?  Bueller???

GAME NOTES:
In the timeless words of the 2 Skinnee J's,


Pass the baton to the next and run along
Try a mile in my shoes
and get used
to the phenomenon
On and on like a triathalon
Step to podium, whose the real champion

You're a Champion
You're a Champion
You're a Champion
You're a Champion

Yes, Herd.  We are, indeed, champions for at LEAST 6 more days.  On a crisp spring evening, the excitement of celebrity stalking, pregame samplers, and iPhone DJ Chad "Biggie Gazelle" White all grew into a crescendo of energy that delivered the mighty Purps to victory for the first time in this now half-done Spring season.  It tasted nice, didn't it?  Like a grilled pimento cheese sandwich (or was that just my indigestion?).

The game started, well, way better than the 7 - 10 run hole we normally start in.  The battery of Goose and Ket (and the best umpire of all time) would prove to be unstoppable, as Rose charmed batters into complacency and the General racked up a league-leading 2 strikeouts.  The momentum of solid play in the field would urge the Herd bats out of their normal early game slumber, as the Purps would tally 4 (or so) runs in the first inning alone.  Inspired again by the blistering bat (and diving acrobatics in LCF) of John "Sparkles" Spivey, who's home run streak grew another game, the rest of the Herd would follow suit.

Erin "Fantasy" Haneline?  17 RBIs
Heather "Ice" Miller? A walkoff slapshot down the first baseline that would have made Wayne Gretzky jealous.
Christopher "Freak" Nixon? You didn't split any balls this evening.  Shame on you.

After grabbing the lead, the Herd would hold on tight, anchored by solid play at 2B by Downtown Kyle Brown and Ashley "Legend/Scoop/Excellence" Purdue at 1B.  After first injuring his esophagus, then wrist, THEN ankle, Bryan "Doubles" Timmons finally got some relief from Herd Management who promptly came in and smacked the yellow off the ball.  Then ran laps around the field as if to say, "I'm running a marathon in November, can you sponsor me?".

As with all great victories, this was a team effort.  Let's ride the wave and pull off the giant upset next week to start the second half of the season, mmmmkay Herd?

Awards!

The Shannon Craft Award for being Shannon Craft award goes to...Shannon Craft!  She wasn't even at the game, she's just that good.

The Redding/Haneline award for most gut-wrenching slide goes to...Erin Haneline!  You're grace, dignity and willingness to play in the dirt never ceases to amaze.

The Herd Management's Spirit award goes to...Herd Managment!  See what happens when you come in?  We win.  Thanks for not making us beg you to play.  Go ahead and plan on starting next week.

Random Herd Facts:

The Herd rejects your reality and substitutes it with its fist.

The Herd once won a staredown contest blindfolded..... over the phone, without even dialing a number.

Mick Jagger has the Moves like Herd.

When the Herd says 'Candyman' five times in a row, no one appears. Candyman ain't dumb.

Like Sands through an hourglass, so are the days of our Herd

LAST NIGHT:

Herd 6 Flow 17

Next Week: 

Absent Next Week:?

On the Edge of Glory: 
1^st time since 2007 that the Mighty Purple Herd has begun a season 0-3.
The Herd is 0-3 this year when scoring fewer runs than their opponent.

Game Notes:

Dyson Vacuum’s.  Wake Forest Basketball.  No TP after Mexican.  A life without ever experiencing the entire Marcy Playground library.  These things all suck.  Hard.  Nothing however can compare to the complete suckocity of being in last place after 4 weeks of the Spring Season.  As has always been the case with the Herd, this team’s heart runs far deeper than wins and loses.  Its personalities such as Shannon Craft Award and her steady, consistent demeanor that  matches her talent at the plate.  Her bat, always solid, was limited by the superhuman machine at shortstop on this evening. 

One of the most pleasant surprises of this early season is the play of Rose “Ket” Ketner.  Ket has improved by leaps and bounds from her days as the dictator of the dastardly Compensateds.  If the improvement continues at this pace, she will be on the course for legen…wait for it…dary status.

“Downtown” Kyle Brown turned in one of the most magnificent efforts at 2^nd base in many moons last night, despite playing on one knee.  It was not only the complete control of 2^nd base that was impressive, but her ability to shrug off the completely stoned kid walking to the car was nothing short of amazing.  Yes kid, I did hit a home run over the dog fence and into a dogs face.  The dog was fine.  You sir, are not.

There is nothing that warms the heart and mind more than the pure domination of 1^st base by the Legend, Ashley Perdue.  AP continues to be robbed of base hits by superhuman machine shortstops, however her play at first is nothing short of dazzling.  People in the stands were actually referring to her as the Backho because she was digging everything out of the dirt.  I’m not sure how to spell backho, but a backho is a piece of machinery that digs stuff.

There simply is not a woman in the league at this current moment in time that is hitting the ball harder and with more force that Heather “Ice” Miller.  The only thing stopping Ice from batting in the upper 800’s this season is superhuman machine shortstops.  Ice has already accomplished the Herd trinity of positions, playing 3 different positions in 3 games this season.  Some may chalk this up to poor management, and they would be right, but others would put this in the category of tremendous versatility.

Fantasy Report:

Due to the fact that Fantasy called out Herd Management for being lazy a few weeks ago (rightly so), she has earned her own section of the Herd report.  Fantasy has become so dominate in the outfield that teams are intentionally hitting the ball in the opposite direction.  Fantasy has become the Dikembe Mutombo of the outfield at this point.

At this point there are no objectives that exist in the human language that can properly give Scott “Goose” Walkush the respect and admiration that he deserves.  Has anyone ever given more to anything than Goose does the Herd?  The only things that come to mind that would be comparable are the musical gifts that LMFAO has given to the world over the last few years.  That said, I’ve never seen LMFAO lose their voice screaming at players to run it out to 1^st base.

Speaking of running it out, as was evident last night, there is no more perfectly beautiful creature running the bases that our very own Biggie Trip Z Gazelle.  Trip turned at least 3 singles into doubles last night, despite playing against a superhuman machine robot at shortstop.  Sunsets at the beach and Gazelle rounding 1^st base are truly the 2 most remarkable spectacles ever crated.

Flow wasnt the only team on this evening to sport a superhuman machine robot at shortstop.  The Mighty BY GOSH FRIKIN I DON’T CARE WHAT OUR RECORD IS WE STILL ROCK YOUR FACE OFF Purple Herd sport their very own super human machine robot at shortstop, and our doesn’t have the personality of a dead oak tree.  Freak Nix brings the freak every single night and makes plays at short that Jose’ “you suck” Reyes can only dream of.  I’m not ashamed to admit that I love Freak Nix…and you should too.

While for the most part the Herd bats have been stagnant all year long.  That can NOT be said for our defiant Sparkles.  Despite giving Flow 3 runs by allowing the inept Herd Management to play RC instead of him, in turn allowing an embarrassing ground ball to graze the right daddy part of said HM, Sparkles continues to be the biggest offensive contributor on the team.  If he isn’t crushing the rear window of station wagons sitting 40 yards behind center field, he is burning left fielders with scorching rockets sent flying through the humid night.

Herd Management hasn’t had an official opportunity to express his utmost greatfullness in having Doubles back on the roster full time. Doubles brings not only a very high level of ability to the team, he also brings a very high level attendance to the required yet not attended pre game festivities.  He is also doing this:  Timmons Rules! Click Here to see why and how

Herd Management was overcome with emotion upon seeing the PGF attendees yesterevening.  David Allred and Maggie “Candy” Ghyllenhaul are two of the most dedicated and tremendous Herd Athletic Supporters.  It is truly the case that without these two fine individuals that the entire Herd Enterprise would not continue to exist.  I can not, nor do I want to envision a world in which Allred and Ghyllenhaul are not a part of the Herd Nation. 

EVENING AWARDS: 
The Shannon Craft award for Being Shannon Craft goes to Biggie.  Biggie has never won this award, however he was so Shannon Craft last night.  So so Shannon Craft.

The “Herd Pride” award goes to Downtown Kyle Brown.  Downtown’s constant infield chatter made it increasingly difficult for Flow to score their hard earned 14 runs and easier earned 3 runs due to the embarrassing faux pas

 by HM in RC.

The Haneline Miller Slide award goes to Freak Nix!  My heart melts everytime we try to break up a double play.

Random Herd Factoids:

As a toddler, the Herd taught others to walk.

At a bookstore, others crowd around the Herd just to watch them read.

If a monument were built in the Herd honor, Mt. Rushmore would close due to poor attendance.

The Herd’s cereal NEVER gets soggy.  It just sits there, staying crispy.

The Herd can speak French, in Russian

Thank you for your continued support of Herd Athletics, 

Michael Swaim Herd Administration 
http://www.purpleherd.blogspot.com

http://www.crowdrise.com/Bryantimmons

http://www.crowdrise.com/GoHerd15

Herd Wins, Holy Cow!

Not long ago, a wise man actor playing a wise borderline alcoholic sports commentator posed a serious question:

"Hey! If you were a hot dog...and you were starving, would you eat yourself?"  I know I would.  I'd smother myself in brown mustard and relish.  I'd be delicious.  What, my gentle Herd, does this have to do with last night's faux game?  I'm not really sure, honestly, but I am kind of hungry.

Last night the Mighty Herd once again whipped itself into a game-like frenzy to take on our friends at Tee Time.  Not since, well, ever has there been so much excitement around a game that counted for nothing but bragging rights, than there was last night on WP#4.  Since there was no official score keeper, I claim that we won by 37.

Led as always by Herd "I'm Half the Man I Used to be #loseit" Management, the Purps took to the field first to flash a little leather, and recorded a record 22 outs.  In one inning!  In perhaps the most exciting play of the young preseason, John "Sparkles, no wait, is it Flipper, no it's still Sparkles" Spivey made a catch that could only be described as eh-eh, eh-eh.eheheheh-tastic (ask Sparkles to translate that from dolphin to English).  Bryan "new aerodynamic face" Timmons ran down fly balls all over left center field and even caught a couple of them.  Oops.  Tomika "Sweet T" Fuller gave 162% effort at first base laying out and nearly making a play on a foul ball that rivaled that other purple team in town.  Seriously Tomika, you've already made the team, save some of that greatness for the regular season.

On the other side of the ball, the Herd put on a series of free clinics!

• How to gracefully drop a bat in place after smashing the ball (101): Fantasy
• How to hit the snot out of a softball (202): C-Nix
• How to burn the opposing defense with unadulterated power (Seminar): SCA and Ice
• Deceptive baserunning (PE): Biggie
• Simply being awesome at life: Hep Cat Ketner and Goose

Next week, the Herd will again simulate battle with former dreaded rivals Compensated.  Be there!

Random Herd Facts:

The Herd is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for its bat and throwing arm.

The Herd won The Voice using only sign language

The Herd has a bear rug in its room. The bear isn't dead it is just afraid to move.

The Herd walked right into Area 51, bought a Snapple, and walked out. No one dared to move.

I can almost see it.....

After many years running a parallel race through the laurels of Wi Sa softball history, the two greatest heavyweights in Co Rec Softball history will collide this Thursday at 5:45 when Tuesday’s finest, The Tee Time’s will square off against our very own Mighty Purple Herd in one of the most anticipated scrimmages in the history of sport!!

Also, please mark your calendars for Thursday, March 30th when the Herd will finally,, face off against arch rival COMPENSATEDS for the 1st time in 3 years. Words can not even begin to describe the anticipation for this game that is pulsating through my purple veins at this very moment.

I urge you to make every effort possible to attend these two scrimmages and come in with an open heart and open mind to exploring new opportunities within this organization.


Thank you for your continued support of Herd Athletics!

Practice Makes Purple

Good Monday Purps!
Reminder: We will have practice session #2 THIS tHERDsday at 5:45 over at WP 4. As mentioned earlier, I have arranged for us to have about an extra hour or so of daylight. C-Nix, you’re up.

Also of note, Herd Management and Compensated Management are tentatively planning to do some pre season running somewhere in downtown Wi Sa this Tuesday around 4:45 if anyone is interested in joining in.

Thank you for your continued support of Herd Athletics!


Michael Swaim | Herd Administration
http://purpleherd.blogspot.com
Twitter: GoHerd15
Facebook Fan Page: Purple Herd
PayPal: GoHerd15

Purple Herd is in the hoooouuuuse toniiiiiight...

...HERDrybody just have a good time.  We just want to see you....Herd that.

[dance break]

All better now?  Let's resume our normally scheduled Herd Report.

Eddard Stark promised that winter was coming, however with the Herd's plan to reclaim the iron aluminum throne in the spring 2012 season, winter was clearly too scared to bring the cold and/or the pain.  Or any kind of real snow.  C'mon winter, what's up with that?  Anywho, on a warm March evening that was built for softball, the Mighty Herd took to the pits of WP #3 to remember how to play the game.

Notable on this evening was the return of not one, not two, but three Herd superstars from days gone by.  Ashley "A-Dub/The Legend" Perdue executed perfect Favre-ing and came back to the Herd after a brief stint in retirement.  The time off only seemed to re-ignite the fire in her belly as she smacked the ball all over the field with ease.  Bryan "with the new base distance, can you call me singles and a half?" Timmons also returned to the field after taking the fall to help teach a new baby about what's important in life and start grooming the little man for Herd v6.0.  And in a final twist of fate, Rose "I was here when the Herd Report was born" Ketner showed that her time playing for our arch nemesis only served to improve her skills, hitting like a champ and fielding as if she was wearing a gold glove instead of one that was filled with spiders.

Not to be outdone, the backbone of the Herd was well represented, as Scott "Goose" Walkush decided that, hey if we're not running bases, I'll just hit one over the fence instead of making an inside the park home run.  Chad "Biggie/Big E/Gazelle" White peppered the ball like seasoning on a fine steak, while John "Sparkles" Spivey provided sunflower seeds, questionable laundry tactics, and a blistering on the ball normally reserved for your shoulders on spring break back in Cancun in 2000.  Ah, the memories.  Herd Management continues to inspire the team with his mere presence, class, dignity, and funding for practice.  Seriously Coach, let us help pay for the field next time, mmmmkay?  Christopher "C-Nix" Nixon was a little late to the party and gave up his BP to help plan the newest PGF staple.  Homemade. Purple. Beer.  'Nuff said.

Representing a large portion of the clan, Heather "is it just Ice now?" and We$ "BGF" Miller decided that on this evening, one sport would not be enough, and shared softball duties with soccer and Jackson "he's gonna need a nickname too" as they (in no particular order) batted, fielded, wore shinguards as helmets, watered trees, and were generally just awesomesauce.

And there you have it!  We'll practice again next week with the benefit on Daylight Saving Time, and further solidify our plan for Thursday Co-Rec domination.

Awards:
(these are reserved for actual games, duh)

Random Herd Facts:

Camp Counselors warn Jason Voorhees when the Herd goes to summer camp.

The Herd once made a robot for its 8th grad science class - we now know this robot as the Terminator.

The Herd can get Blackjack with just one card.

When Alexander Bell invented the telephone he had 3 missed calls from the Herd.

Dont let the sun go down on Herd....

Despite an inexcusable daylight miscalculation by Herd Management, the Mighty Purple Herd kicked off the 2012 Spring season in glorious fashion Thursday night at historic Washington Park field #3. A redefined body, mind and soul for Goose paid off early, with Goose Going Yard for the 1st time in his illustrious career. Goose, no doubt inspired by the emotional appearance of all time Herd Superstar Wes "BGF" Miller was able to pull, push, yank and smack the ball at will, no doubt due to his reconstructed hamstring that has plagued this superstar for 6 grueling years.
It is always entertaining for Herd Management to catch up on what the Herdlings were up to during the long offseason. One particular adventure that perked interest of all involved was that of Herd own 3rd baseman, Sparkles. Sparkles decided to take his offseason activities to a whole new level, dipping into the bio-technology realm in an attempt to create a cure halitosis. Sparkles mixture of cleet, water, sweat, age, heat and funk did not exactly churn out the results he had hoped for, however it did give everyone a pure and true appreciation for personal hygiene.
The Herd Nation would also like to welcome back Ashley Perdue from her one year hiatus. The Legend has already provided huge dividends to the struggling Purp with her eye popping batting display that appears to have not an ounce of rust.
Heather "Ice, just drop the cream" Miller also appears to have been on a heavy regime of steroids, bating practice and Bojangles ice tea over the offseason, as she routinely inflicted pain on the 12" .44 core 375 compression softballs last evening. One could literally hear the softball scream as Miller smacked it around like a British nanny. The 3rd woman in attendance is no stranger to Herd Lore. Manager extrodinaire, Rose "Ket" Ketner showed why she was once the major cog of one of the most storied franchises in Thursday Co-Rec League History. Ket hit the ball with precision and accuracy that Herd Management did not know existed in this universe.
Brian "Doubles" Timmons fear that he may become Brian "Turn and Look" Timmons are unfounded to this point, as Doubles #4evr was able to track down seemingly impossible softballs in the outfield all day/night long. C"Freak"Nix wins the humanitarian with no sox award for his desire to forgo his batting practice for the overall safety of the team. The stunner of the evening came when Goose announced he may be absent for Game 1, leaving super reliever Chad "Biggie Gazelle" White to toe the rubber on the 1st Thursday of April.
Overall, Herd Management feels like this roster is going to surprise some teams this spring.
Next practice will be Thursday, March 15 @ 5:45. I have made arrangements to have the sun stay up for about an hour longer than we got last night.

Thank you for your Continued Support of Herd Athletics,

Herd Management

And away we go....

As you may have already Herd, today begins our Spring Season, with practice at WP 3 around 5:45 – 6:58. I would like to also reinstitute a Herd tradition starting today: Each and every Thursday shall from this point forward be referred to as Purple Herd THerdsday, meaning that you wear at least one article of prominent Purple clothing. If you do not have anything of the Purple nature on your body today, I suggest that you go home immediately and make this happen.

Also, beginning today the website will resume ongoing activity. Feel free to check http://purpleherd.blogspot.com continues updates and breaking news.

As a note, I have been able to secure not one, but TWO replacement women for this spring. Rose Ketner of Compensated fame has graciously agreed to help us out in times of need, as has Jeni from Mullen. I am excited to have those two cogs aboard the Herd train this spring.

The Herd is the Greatest

The HERD is The Greatest

HERD Report- 9-2-2011

The HERD is The Greatest by: R Kelly (originally performed by Michael Swaim)

The Herd is a mountain
The Herd is a tall tree
ooooh, we are a swift wind,
Sweepin' Forsyth County

The Herd is a river,
Down in the valley
ooooh, we are a vision
And we can see clearly

If anybody asks you who we are
Just stand up tall
Look 'em in the face and say

We’re that star up in the sky
We’re that mountain peak up high
Hey we made it, mmmmmm
The Herd is the greatest
And we’re that little bit of hope
When our back's against the ropes
We can feel it, mmmmmm
The Herd is the greatest
(the worlds greatest, worlds greatest , for ever )

The Herd is a giant
The Herd is an eagle
ooh, we are a lion
Down in the jungle

The Herd is a marchin' band
The Herd is the people
ooh, The Herd is a helping hand
The Herd is a hero

If anybody asks you who we are
Just stand up tall
Look 'em in the face and say

We’re that star up in the sky
We’re that mountain peak up high
Hey we made it, mmmmmm
The Herd is the greatest
And we’re that little bit of hope
When our back's against the ropes
We can feel it, mmmmmm
The Herd is the greatest
(the worlds greatest, worlds greatest , for ever )

In the ring of life we’ll rain love (we will rain) and the world will notice the HERD (oooohhhhh yahhhhh) when there is darkness Herd will shine a light (shine a light) and views of success reflect in the HERD

We’re that star up in the sky
We’re that mountain peak up high
Hey we made it, mmmmmm
The Herd is the greatest
And we’re that little bit of hope
When our back's against the ropes
We can feel it, mmmmmm
The Herd is the greatest
(the worlds greatest, worlds greatest , for ever )


The HERD is THE GREATEST!!!!


Last Night:
HERD- 18
Boneless Hushers (like we made them quiet, get it?)- Way less than the HERD


Absent Next Week? How could you not come after the clinic we put on last night?


Game Notes:

Complete opposites: Fire and Ice, Cheeseburgers and celery, Hitler and Ghandi, Lady GaGa and good music……The Herd two weeks ago and the HERD THIS WEEK!


In a season of ups and downs, on a night when EVERY Herd member was prepared for battle, The HERD unleashed one of the most ferocious a$$ whoopings anyone has ever dealt or received. The Bone Crushers were ironically doomed to a fate described simply by their own team name. We pummeled them mercilessly and took every. single. piece of glory from the blood laden field of dirt and chalk.

To be quite honest, last night’s events are a bit of a blur to me as I reflect this morning, simply because EACH and EVERY member of the HERD contributed, at some point or another, superior athletic ability and hitting prowess. In my short and life-changing stint as a member of the HERD, I have NEVER seen us hit, field and run so well, with so much stamina that the only thing that might ever come close to rivaling it would be a mythical ballerina cheetah with the feet of John Travolta, the biceps of Hulk Hogan, the head of Michael Jackson and the eyes of a hawk wearing a Lynard Skynard t shirt.

After the HERD had established a commanding lead through 4 innings of play, the softball gods felt inclined to let the world know that a new era had been born. The wind howled, the sky went black, leaves covered the field, and the rains of rebirth washed down upon the HERD as we marched to victory, representing the cleansing of our past and the destiny of greatness to come in our future just like Natalie Portman in the movie “V for Vendetta” when she stands on the rooftop in the rain with V. Only in this case, the circumstances were much more important than some silly revolution that affected the lives of entire countries and human rights. This was serious. This was HERD softball at it’s finest……this was perfection.

The bats came alive on this night, with each and every Herd member putting good wood on the ball and contributing to our massively enormous run total. Our new balls were the star of the evening, deciding to travel over the outfield fence three times and setting a HERD record for the first time we have EVER maxed out our home run allowance in the process. Led by Christopher Nixon aka “FreakNix” aka “C-NIX” aka “Who is Albert Puhols?…..” aka “lets see if I can lose all of the new balls Sparkles just bought by hitting them over Peters Creek Parkway”, the night was a display of magic set in motion by the encouragement of our fearless leader, Coach Swaim.

Misty “Minch” Inch showed everyone why she will be on the cover of a Wheaties box by the end of the fall with her rocket single to centerfield, scoring a run and increasing the Herd’s lead. Scott “Goose” Walkush didn’t surprise anybody at all by hitting his 3874579475457467346578646574 inside the park home run of his career, proving once again that his sweat should be bottled and auctioned on eBay and all proceeds should be put towards the national deficit, thereby generating so much revenue that we actually end up with a government surplus and with that surplus money, create HSN, HERD Sports Network, where every single American is required, by law, to watch every HERD game that is played, with the consequences of not watching that you will be hit in the face with a fastball thrown by local HERD supporters that must be greater than or equal to the force of the average airspeed velocity of an unladen Swallow, African or European.

Newcomer Gina destroyed the ball again, and spared my life as I coached third base in the process. Chris Pfffhfffpfffol’s prowess at the plate made me wonder if Tee Time is the name of his other softball team or if he owns a company called Tee Time that specializes in bringing pain to anything their customers wish. Fantasy slapped the yellow out of the ball and reached first with the speed of Jackie Joyner-Kersey mixed with a Lamborghini. MikeSwaim embarrassed the other teams pitcher by destroying the ball like it was a metaphorical HERD loss. I was waiting for him to go and grab his freshly hit line drive ball, grab it with both hands, rip it in half, then crumble the remains into dust, then do the LeBron pregame powder fiasco with said dust.

Shannon Craft has created an image for herself with her baffling ability at the plate that has created some strange symptoms for the rest of the team. I’m not sure if there is a medical diagnosis for this, but what is it called when someone is so good that every time you look at her you see a dark silhouette filled with graffiti style words that are synonymous with greatness?? Studies have shown these symptoms to be present in 107% of people who have seen her play, and have dubbed the blessing: “Craftwreaksofgreatnessandblindsyouwithabilitysoshutuporshewillmeltyourfacewithherlimitlesstalent-osis” and the only cure is mercy provided by Chuck Norris. Translation- there is no cure.

Heather “Ice” Miller put on a dazzling display in left field and hit the crap out of the ball for the HERD. It brought tears to my eyes.You, ma’am, are a major valve operating the heart of the machine that is “HERD Softball.” The Gazelle was back to his old tricks, smashing line drives and picking off rocket line drives at third, representing Appalachian State with his timeless “Appoholics” shirt. The day his game uniform matches everyone else’s will be the day the HERD collapses forever. Big E, don’t you go-a-changin’. J-Dub Johnson also gave the fans what they came for with her killer instinct and fierce eye at the plate, connecting on a pitch that sent the infielder scampering for cover and unable to make a play at first. She also offered her backpack for Sparkles to hide his phone from the Purple Rain, preserving an expensive and important item that would have cost many dollars to replace and given him problems with his recently acquired legal marriage partner.

All I know is, King Joffrey better be glad that The Herd isn’t on the hit HBO series “Game of Thrones” because we would hit soft-toss line drives on the battlefield, viscously eliminating our enemies in less than 7minutes and renaming the Seven Realms to HERDland. Then we would create mini theme parks where each member of the HERD would rule, requiring our captives to recite inspirational quotes to us constantly, travelling minstrels to play theme music whenever we walk based on the mood we are in, people would use pictures of HERD members as currency, and every chef from the Food Network to cook us meals that we would eat at our HERD dining table on the top of a mountain surrounded by babies that never cry and re-enactments of our fondest childhood memories performed by ONLY Academy Award winning actors.

HERD Awards:

The Shannon Craft Award for being Shannon Craft goes to Misty Inch. Misty, I felt the pain of the ball you hit to center field. I'm surprised it didn’t evaporate.
The Chris Nixon Award for nearly losing our brand new softballs while simultaneously wowing everyone with raw power goes to Chris Nixon!
The HERD Greatness Award goes to the entire HERD squad. Without us all, this wouldn’t have been possible.

Random HERD Facts:

The HERD doesn't throw softballs fast….softballs are terrified of HERD hands and flee that quickly.
Tapeworms give food to the HERD
Cans of whoopass have the HERD's team photo on the label.


Be proud HERD. Last night, we played softball. We did everything it takes to be winners, and we made it look sexy. Enough said.

HERD For Life.

Love always,

Sparkles

Didn't We Almost Win It All??

LAST NIGHT: 

HERD 9/Jose Canseco's team full of people who needed pinch runners and somehow managed to hit every ball between the infield and outfield with absolutely no power despite immaculately immaculate defense 10

Absent Next Week??? Let coach know

Didn't We Almost Win It All by: John "Sparkles" Spivey (The artist formerly known as Laura Branigan)

You don't act the same 
And your eyes have changed 
I don't want to hear the words you say
I don't want to know the pain 

And I see your lips move 
But I can't hear the sound
So I turn my head away
As my HERD drops to the ground

And I've tried to see right through you 
But it's all in vain 
Like a locomotive blinded by the rain
And I swear that you loved me just the other day
I still remember how you used to say

I would die for you
I would live for you
I would fight for the right just to give to you
You can set me free but you'll come back to me
Didn't we almost win
Didn't we almost win it all 

Time seems to heal wounds
Well that's what they say
But it doesn't matter now
'Cause I never felt that way

And I see your lips move 
But I can't hear the sound 
So I turn my head away
As my HERD drops to the ground

And I've tried to see right through you
But it's all in vain 
Like a locomotive blinded by the rain
And I swear that you loved me just the other day 
I still remember how you used to say

I would die for you
I would live for you 
I would fight for the right just to give to you
You can set me free but you'll come back to me
Didn't we almost win
Didn't we almost win it all 

I could swear that you loved me just the other day
I still remember how you used to say

I would die for you
I would live for you
I would fight for the right just to give to you 
You can set me free but you'll come back to me
Didn't we almost win
Didn't we almost win it all 

You can set me free but you'll come back to me 
Didn't we almost win
Didn't we almost win
It all

A wise man once said "It's not whether you win or lose- it's how you play the game."

That man wasn't wise at all. He was a complete idiot.

pur·ple  (pûrpl) n. 1. Any of a group of colors with a hue between that of violet and red. 2. Cloth of a color between violet and red, formerly worn as a symbol of royalty or high office. 3. Imperial power; high rank

herd  (hûrd) n. 1. a. A group of cattle or other domestic animals of a single kind kept together for a specific purpose. b. A number of wild animals of one species that remain together as a group

Game Notes:

It brings me great sadness for my first HERD Report to bare news of defeat. On a night where a HERD record was set for number of team members absent at a whopping 5, the HERD still had every ingredient they needed to lay the smacketh down. With help from the ladies from "Tee Time", and Jenny from Mullen, the HERD was primed for victory after a despicable display of dissatisfying disrespect to the softball gods the week before. The night would start off bumpy, but the Mighty Herd found a way to fight back and make the night worthy of an ESPN Instant Classic.

Unfortunately, I don't have any game notes from last night and I have the short term memory of an infant/80 year old man. Coach is much better at that, sorry everyone!

 The following is a list of things that I DO recall from last nights game, in no particular order:

• It was pretty muggy out there. I was very surprised the other team's pitcher's hair was able to keep its stunning shape and blinding sheen throughout the night.
• Christopher "Let me give everyone a heart attack by telling them I don't think I'm going to make it to the game then show up in a blaze of glory to the sounds of exhaling and cheering" Nixon told us he didn’t think he was going to make it to the game, giving us all heart attacks, then showed up just before gametime in a blaze of glory to the sound of exhaling and cheering. He also almost hit his loving wife with a foul ball that would have surely left him in the doghouse with Leroy for a few hours.
• David "I also bleed purple" Allred was in attendance, making him the W-S Co-Rec softball equivalent of a FourSquare "Mayor" for HERD games. David, I speak for all of us when I say "your attendance brings tears of joy to our eyes." You can "check-in" on me anytime sir. Thank you for your unwavering support. 
• The HERD supported every single batter, held their heads high, and cheered on their teammates like never before. 
• The pimento cheese sandwich at PGF was the best idea Bryan "Doubles" Timmons ever offered me. Without that sandwich, I would have perished.
• Coach's encouraging words from first base helped me end my 0 for 2 streak. Thanks coach, you have some pretty legs too!
• Gena hit a foul ball harder than anyone I've ever seen. Good thing it wasn’t a fair ball because the left fielder would have been empaled upon trying to field it and there wasn’t a doctor in the house.
• For about 8 minutes we had the largest crowd in HERD history. I'm not sure where those people came from, but I can only assume they were guided by the lightening to the HERD much like the wise-men to little 8 pound 5 ounce baby Jesus in his golden fleece diaper. It was a miraculous site to behold, indeed.
• The game was a close one, coming down to the final out. The HERD almost got it done, but fell just short in the bottom of the 7th inning. The taste is bitter, but will drive us to victory next week.
• The other team's first base-lady's nickname was also Sparkles… Thanks guys
• Shannon Craft Award is pummeling the softball. I would liken watching her play softball to seeing a newborn baby with it's parents, watching a space shuttle take off, 4th of July fireworks, the waiter walking towards me with my pimento cheese sandwich and fries, opening a Christmas present and seeing that small ripped section where you can tell it is what you asked for, watching the cork go underwater when you're fishing, winning the lottery, listening to anything by Celine Dion, The Lion King when the monkey raises Simba up on the cliff for everyone to see their new King, Top Gun when Tom Cruise throws Goose's (no relation) dogtags into the ocean, ESPN Top Ten replay, helping out a homeless person, that feeling between beer 7 and 8, solving a difficult puzzle, completing any home improvement task, "One Shining Moment" after the National Championship Game, Corey Lynch's blocked field goal to beat Michigan, paying off a credit card, sitting down to watch episode one of the Tuesday night back to back to back to back to back lineup of "The Office" on TBS  and the feeling you get when something bad happens to a really bad person, even if its really bad and you act like you didn’t wish that bad thing upon them even though, deep down, you know that you got pleasure from seeing the bad thing happen to them because they are such a bad person. (maybe that’s just me?) Also alternatively(not sure thats the right word but you know what I mean), seeing a good thing happen to a good person who does good things and deserves good things. Which brings me to my final point:

The HERD will win next week. We are meant for glory. We are ready for domination. We all love puppies and babies and deserve to be champions. These other teams suck. We are the greatest ever. 

We played our hearts out last night fellow HERDspeople. A loss sucks, but battling the way we did and our drive to succeed will, in time, propel us to our rightful spot as the kings of softball lore where we will demand respect and deal accordingly (offer death) to those who fail to offer it. Mark my words HERD family, our time is coming and we must let ourselves be great.

Rookie Report:

On on night with many new faces, the support and effort was through the roof from our rookies. With laser line drives and outstanding field play from each of you, it was a promising site to behold. Keep bringin' it!

Evening Awards:

The “Ashley Perdue” award for causing Herd Management significant chestial pain due to arriving last goes to: C-Nix! Car trouble is a thorn to the rear-end- I feel your pain good sir.

The "Brett Favre Comeback Teaser Award" goes to Bryan "Doubles" Timmons. I don't know about everyone else, but having you in left center just felt right. You had to go and produce offspring didn't you!?!? Please come back as often as possible and bring the tremendous defense, batting skills and HERD passion you possess with you every time.

The “Herd Pride” award for bringing the most Herd support goes to Jenny from Mullen. Your upbeat attitude and congratulatory efforts had the HERD in awe last night. You, my friend, deserve the congratulations on being such an awesome teammate. 

The “Shannon Craft” award for being Shannon Craft goes to Shannon Craft. Ms. Craft, the hitting clinic you have put on this season brings me to happy tears (refer to above list for similar events when this happy feeling also occurs). You consistently leave us wanting more………….…that’s what she said.

HERD Facts:

When the HERD wants popcorn, we exhale on Nebraska.

The HERD uses Tabasco sauce as eye drops

There's strong……then there's Army strong……….Then there's HERD strong.

The HERD gives Freddy Kreuger nightmares

The following is a short list of the things the HERD cannot do:

Get it?

I love you HERD. Game next week at 6:30 vs. our fierce rivals Motlee Crew on Field 3. Come prepared to crush our opponent.

The Night I fought Rocky

LAST NIGHT:
Herd 3 Tarheels 15
Novant 6 Galafainaks 6
Flex 12 OSC 2
Mixed up 12 Haws 11

Next Week:
7:30 Purple v/s Mixed up 7:30 WP#2

Absent Next Week:?
Biggie

Tale of the Tape:
The Tarheels had more women baserunners in the 4th inning than the Herd had TOTAL in 6 innings.

Game Notes:
Poop. Vomit. Uncontrollable flows of blood from the cranial region due to being turned into a zombie after eating a deli sandwich from Panera. Snookie. Prior to last night, these were the most disgusting things in the world. We can now add the Herd’s game v/s the Tarheels to that list. The Purs were unable to get things going, despite an epic and historic pre pre game festivity that saw the majority of the Mighty Purple Herd converge on Bib’s in downtown Winston salem in what many patrons considered a hostile takeover after the primal “HERD UP!!” scream from Herd Pitcher Goose.

Even though the bats have been deafly quite for the majority of the season, Herd Superstar Biggie Gazelle continued his torid pace, going a blustery 2-2 on the evening, proving to be one shining star in a dark dark universe. Another amazing effort behind the plate was turned in by Ice on this evening, recording a Herd record two putouts and an assist that brought the capacity Herd crowd of 2 to their respective feet.

Staying with the defensive theme, Misty (you needs you a nickname) Inch continues to show the world why she was the most sought after 2nd basewomen this offseason. Her range at 2nd base reminds Herd management of a young strapping Ryan Sandberg. Despite being stricken by the Haneline/Miller injury curse in the 3rd inning, J-Mill held down 1st base with aplumb and respect, and even offered sound relationship advice which we may or may not get to later in this report.

A lot can be said for on the field contributions, where Herd Rookie J-Dub continues to grow and excel, but even more can be said for her consistent and almost violent Purple Herd Passion off the field. One of the most anticipated features of the week for Herd Management includes stalk…er.. reading J-Dub’s facebook posts about her love, desire and unadulterated affection toward her new brothers and sisters in purp.

Herd managements favorite athlete at any level of all time falls squarely on the shoulders of superstar C Freak Nix. Nix was pounded like the kid who fought rocky at short stop all night long by scorching missles hit off the defiantly illegal bats of the tarheel athletes, yet time and time again made the spectacular play that not even the most conditioned major league baseball player could ever make in his wildest dreams.

Herd management is a firm believer of voodoo conspiracy theories when it comes to Co-Rec softball and that belief was affirmed on Thursday evening when it became evident that the Tarheels had planned to take the transportation device of the Herds most fierce Hitter, Sparkles out of the equation. Sparkles refused to let the mystical pastel blue powers detour him from arriving to the field full of determination and exuberance and yet again performing at an exceeding high level.


Fantasy Report:
I have so many things to say to you.
POG Report:

No Herd player deserves POG more than the mighty Herd’s on Shannon Craft Award. Award is 2-2 on being the last person to the field, making this the most consistent stat of any Herd athlete on the season. Craft has also become the most unlucky player on the team at the plate. Despite being one player that is hitting the ball with any level ferocity thus far, unfortunately the oppositions defense has managed to bumble their way into robbing Award of more than one extra base hit.


EVENING AWARDS:
On an evening such as this, awards will be shelved until next week.

Random Herd Factoids:
Police often question the Herd…just because they find them interesting.
The Herd taught a Horse to read their emails for them.
The Herd is the only person(s) to ace a Rorschach Test.
Alien abductors have asked the Herd to probe THEM.
Thank you for your continued support of Herd Athletics,