The Herd is the Greatest

The HERD is The Greatest

HERD Report- 9-2-2011

The HERD is The Greatest by: R Kelly (originally performed by Michael Swaim)

The Herd is a mountain
The Herd is a tall tree
ooooh, we are a swift wind,
Sweepin' Forsyth County

The Herd is a river,
Down in the valley
ooooh, we are a vision
And we can see clearly

If anybody asks you who we are
Just stand up tall
Look 'em in the face and say

We’re that star up in the sky
We’re that mountain peak up high
Hey we made it, mmmmmm
The Herd is the greatest
And we’re that little bit of hope
When our back's against the ropes
We can feel it, mmmmmm
The Herd is the greatest
(the worlds greatest, worlds greatest , for ever )

The Herd is a giant
The Herd is an eagle
ooh, we are a lion
Down in the jungle

The Herd is a marchin' band
The Herd is the people
ooh, The Herd is a helping hand
The Herd is a hero

If anybody asks you who we are
Just stand up tall
Look 'em in the face and say

We’re that star up in the sky
We’re that mountain peak up high
Hey we made it, mmmmmm
The Herd is the greatest
And we’re that little bit of hope
When our back's against the ropes
We can feel it, mmmmmm
The Herd is the greatest
(the worlds greatest, worlds greatest , for ever )

In the ring of life we’ll rain love (we will rain) and the world will notice the HERD (oooohhhhh yahhhhh) when there is darkness Herd will shine a light (shine a light) and views of success reflect in the HERD

We’re that star up in the sky
We’re that mountain peak up high
Hey we made it, mmmmmm
The Herd is the greatest
And we’re that little bit of hope
When our back's against the ropes
We can feel it, mmmmmm
The Herd is the greatest
(the worlds greatest, worlds greatest , for ever )


The HERD is THE GREATEST!!!!


Last Night:
HERD- 18
Boneless Hushers (like we made them quiet, get it?)- Way less than the HERD


Absent Next Week? How could you not come after the clinic we put on last night?


Game Notes:

Complete opposites: Fire and Ice, Cheeseburgers and celery, Hitler and Ghandi, Lady GaGa and good music……The Herd two weeks ago and the HERD THIS WEEK!


In a season of ups and downs, on a night when EVERY Herd member was prepared for battle, The HERD unleashed one of the most ferocious a$$ whoopings anyone has ever dealt or received. The Bone Crushers were ironically doomed to a fate described simply by their own team name. We pummeled them mercilessly and took every. single. piece of glory from the blood laden field of dirt and chalk.

To be quite honest, last night’s events are a bit of a blur to me as I reflect this morning, simply because EACH and EVERY member of the HERD contributed, at some point or another, superior athletic ability and hitting prowess. In my short and life-changing stint as a member of the HERD, I have NEVER seen us hit, field and run so well, with so much stamina that the only thing that might ever come close to rivaling it would be a mythical ballerina cheetah with the feet of John Travolta, the biceps of Hulk Hogan, the head of Michael Jackson and the eyes of a hawk wearing a Lynard Skynard t shirt.

After the HERD had established a commanding lead through 4 innings of play, the softball gods felt inclined to let the world know that a new era had been born. The wind howled, the sky went black, leaves covered the field, and the rains of rebirth washed down upon the HERD as we marched to victory, representing the cleansing of our past and the destiny of greatness to come in our future just like Natalie Portman in the movie “V for Vendetta” when she stands on the rooftop in the rain with V. Only in this case, the circumstances were much more important than some silly revolution that affected the lives of entire countries and human rights. This was serious. This was HERD softball at it’s finest……this was perfection.

The bats came alive on this night, with each and every Herd member putting good wood on the ball and contributing to our massively enormous run total. Our new balls were the star of the evening, deciding to travel over the outfield fence three times and setting a HERD record for the first time we have EVER maxed out our home run allowance in the process. Led by Christopher Nixon aka “FreakNix” aka “C-NIX” aka “Who is Albert Puhols?…..” aka “lets see if I can lose all of the new balls Sparkles just bought by hitting them over Peters Creek Parkway”, the night was a display of magic set in motion by the encouragement of our fearless leader, Coach Swaim.

Misty “Minch” Inch showed everyone why she will be on the cover of a Wheaties box by the end of the fall with her rocket single to centerfield, scoring a run and increasing the Herd’s lead. Scott “Goose” Walkush didn’t surprise anybody at all by hitting his 3874579475457467346578646574 inside the park home run of his career, proving once again that his sweat should be bottled and auctioned on eBay and all proceeds should be put towards the national deficit, thereby generating so much revenue that we actually end up with a government surplus and with that surplus money, create HSN, HERD Sports Network, where every single American is required, by law, to watch every HERD game that is played, with the consequences of not watching that you will be hit in the face with a fastball thrown by local HERD supporters that must be greater than or equal to the force of the average airspeed velocity of an unladen Swallow, African or European.

Newcomer Gina destroyed the ball again, and spared my life as I coached third base in the process. Chris Pfffhfffpfffol’s prowess at the plate made me wonder if Tee Time is the name of his other softball team or if he owns a company called Tee Time that specializes in bringing pain to anything their customers wish. Fantasy slapped the yellow out of the ball and reached first with the speed of Jackie Joyner-Kersey mixed with a Lamborghini. MikeSwaim embarrassed the other teams pitcher by destroying the ball like it was a metaphorical HERD loss. I was waiting for him to go and grab his freshly hit line drive ball, grab it with both hands, rip it in half, then crumble the remains into dust, then do the LeBron pregame powder fiasco with said dust.

Shannon Craft has created an image for herself with her baffling ability at the plate that has created some strange symptoms for the rest of the team. I’m not sure if there is a medical diagnosis for this, but what is it called when someone is so good that every time you look at her you see a dark silhouette filled with graffiti style words that are synonymous with greatness?? Studies have shown these symptoms to be present in 107% of people who have seen her play, and have dubbed the blessing: “Craftwreaksofgreatnessandblindsyouwithabilitysoshutuporshewillmeltyourfacewithherlimitlesstalent-osis” and the only cure is mercy provided by Chuck Norris. Translation- there is no cure.

Heather “Ice” Miller put on a dazzling display in left field and hit the crap out of the ball for the HERD. It brought tears to my eyes.You, ma’am, are a major valve operating the heart of the machine that is “HERD Softball.” The Gazelle was back to his old tricks, smashing line drives and picking off rocket line drives at third, representing Appalachian State with his timeless “Appoholics” shirt. The day his game uniform matches everyone else’s will be the day the HERD collapses forever. Big E, don’t you go-a-changin’. J-Dub Johnson also gave the fans what they came for with her killer instinct and fierce eye at the plate, connecting on a pitch that sent the infielder scampering for cover and unable to make a play at first. She also offered her backpack for Sparkles to hide his phone from the Purple Rain, preserving an expensive and important item that would have cost many dollars to replace and given him problems with his recently acquired legal marriage partner.

All I know is, King Joffrey better be glad that The Herd isn’t on the hit HBO series “Game of Thrones” because we would hit soft-toss line drives on the battlefield, viscously eliminating our enemies in less than 7minutes and renaming the Seven Realms to HERDland. Then we would create mini theme parks where each member of the HERD would rule, requiring our captives to recite inspirational quotes to us constantly, travelling minstrels to play theme music whenever we walk based on the mood we are in, people would use pictures of HERD members as currency, and every chef from the Food Network to cook us meals that we would eat at our HERD dining table on the top of a mountain surrounded by babies that never cry and re-enactments of our fondest childhood memories performed by ONLY Academy Award winning actors.

HERD Awards:

The Shannon Craft Award for being Shannon Craft goes to Misty Inch. Misty, I felt the pain of the ball you hit to center field. I'm surprised it didn’t evaporate.
The Chris Nixon Award for nearly losing our brand new softballs while simultaneously wowing everyone with raw power goes to Chris Nixon!
The HERD Greatness Award goes to the entire HERD squad. Without us all, this wouldn’t have been possible.

Random HERD Facts:

The HERD doesn't throw softballs fast….softballs are terrified of HERD hands and flee that quickly.
Tapeworms give food to the HERD
Cans of whoopass have the HERD's team photo on the label.


Be proud HERD. Last night, we played softball. We did everything it takes to be winners, and we made it look sexy. Enough said.

HERD For Life.

Love always,

Sparkles

Didn't We Almost Win It All??

LAST NIGHT: 

HERD 9/Jose Canseco's team full of people who needed pinch runners and somehow managed to hit every ball between the infield and outfield with absolutely no power despite immaculately immaculate defense 10

Absent Next Week??? Let coach know

Didn't We Almost Win It All by: John "Sparkles" Spivey (The artist formerly known as Laura Branigan)

You don't act the same 
And your eyes have changed 
I don't want to hear the words you say
I don't want to know the pain 

And I see your lips move 
But I can't hear the sound
So I turn my head away
As my HERD drops to the ground

And I've tried to see right through you 
But it's all in vain 
Like a locomotive blinded by the rain
And I swear that you loved me just the other day
I still remember how you used to say

I would die for you
I would live for you
I would fight for the right just to give to you
You can set me free but you'll come back to me
Didn't we almost win
Didn't we almost win it all 

Time seems to heal wounds
Well that's what they say
But it doesn't matter now
'Cause I never felt that way

And I see your lips move 
But I can't hear the sound 
So I turn my head away
As my HERD drops to the ground

And I've tried to see right through you
But it's all in vain 
Like a locomotive blinded by the rain
And I swear that you loved me just the other day 
I still remember how you used to say

I would die for you
I would live for you 
I would fight for the right just to give to you
You can set me free but you'll come back to me
Didn't we almost win
Didn't we almost win it all 

I could swear that you loved me just the other day
I still remember how you used to say

I would die for you
I would live for you
I would fight for the right just to give to you 
You can set me free but you'll come back to me
Didn't we almost win
Didn't we almost win it all 

You can set me free but you'll come back to me 
Didn't we almost win
Didn't we almost win
It all

A wise man once said "It's not whether you win or lose- it's how you play the game."

That man wasn't wise at all. He was a complete idiot.

pur·ple  (pûrpl) n. 1. Any of a group of colors with a hue between that of violet and red. 2. Cloth of a color between violet and red, formerly worn as a symbol of royalty or high office. 3. Imperial power; high rank

herd  (hûrd) n. 1. a. A group of cattle or other domestic animals of a single kind kept together for a specific purpose. b. A number of wild animals of one species that remain together as a group

Game Notes:

It brings me great sadness for my first HERD Report to bare news of defeat. On a night where a HERD record was set for number of team members absent at a whopping 5, the HERD still had every ingredient they needed to lay the smacketh down. With help from the ladies from "Tee Time", and Jenny from Mullen, the HERD was primed for victory after a despicable display of dissatisfying disrespect to the softball gods the week before. The night would start off bumpy, but the Mighty Herd found a way to fight back and make the night worthy of an ESPN Instant Classic.

Unfortunately, I don't have any game notes from last night and I have the short term memory of an infant/80 year old man. Coach is much better at that, sorry everyone!

 The following is a list of things that I DO recall from last nights game, in no particular order:

• It was pretty muggy out there. I was very surprised the other team's pitcher's hair was able to keep its stunning shape and blinding sheen throughout the night.
• Christopher "Let me give everyone a heart attack by telling them I don't think I'm going to make it to the game then show up in a blaze of glory to the sounds of exhaling and cheering" Nixon told us he didn’t think he was going to make it to the game, giving us all heart attacks, then showed up just before gametime in a blaze of glory to the sound of exhaling and cheering. He also almost hit his loving wife with a foul ball that would have surely left him in the doghouse with Leroy for a few hours.
• David "I also bleed purple" Allred was in attendance, making him the W-S Co-Rec softball equivalent of a FourSquare "Mayor" for HERD games. David, I speak for all of us when I say "your attendance brings tears of joy to our eyes." You can "check-in" on me anytime sir. Thank you for your unwavering support. 
• The HERD supported every single batter, held their heads high, and cheered on their teammates like never before. 
• The pimento cheese sandwich at PGF was the best idea Bryan "Doubles" Timmons ever offered me. Without that sandwich, I would have perished.
• Coach's encouraging words from first base helped me end my 0 for 2 streak. Thanks coach, you have some pretty legs too!
• Gena hit a foul ball harder than anyone I've ever seen. Good thing it wasn’t a fair ball because the left fielder would have been empaled upon trying to field it and there wasn’t a doctor in the house.
• For about 8 minutes we had the largest crowd in HERD history. I'm not sure where those people came from, but I can only assume they were guided by the lightening to the HERD much like the wise-men to little 8 pound 5 ounce baby Jesus in his golden fleece diaper. It was a miraculous site to behold, indeed.
• The game was a close one, coming down to the final out. The HERD almost got it done, but fell just short in the bottom of the 7th inning. The taste is bitter, but will drive us to victory next week.
• The other team's first base-lady's nickname was also Sparkles… Thanks guys
• Shannon Craft Award is pummeling the softball. I would liken watching her play softball to seeing a newborn baby with it's parents, watching a space shuttle take off, 4th of July fireworks, the waiter walking towards me with my pimento cheese sandwich and fries, opening a Christmas present and seeing that small ripped section where you can tell it is what you asked for, watching the cork go underwater when you're fishing, winning the lottery, listening to anything by Celine Dion, The Lion King when the monkey raises Simba up on the cliff for everyone to see their new King, Top Gun when Tom Cruise throws Goose's (no relation) dogtags into the ocean, ESPN Top Ten replay, helping out a homeless person, that feeling between beer 7 and 8, solving a difficult puzzle, completing any home improvement task, "One Shining Moment" after the National Championship Game, Corey Lynch's blocked field goal to beat Michigan, paying off a credit card, sitting down to watch episode one of the Tuesday night back to back to back to back to back lineup of "The Office" on TBS  and the feeling you get when something bad happens to a really bad person, even if its really bad and you act like you didn’t wish that bad thing upon them even though, deep down, you know that you got pleasure from seeing the bad thing happen to them because they are such a bad person. (maybe that’s just me?) Also alternatively(not sure thats the right word but you know what I mean), seeing a good thing happen to a good person who does good things and deserves good things. Which brings me to my final point:

The HERD will win next week. We are meant for glory. We are ready for domination. We all love puppies and babies and deserve to be champions. These other teams suck. We are the greatest ever. 

We played our hearts out last night fellow HERDspeople. A loss sucks, but battling the way we did and our drive to succeed will, in time, propel us to our rightful spot as the kings of softball lore where we will demand respect and deal accordingly (offer death) to those who fail to offer it. Mark my words HERD family, our time is coming and we must let ourselves be great.

Rookie Report:

On on night with many new faces, the support and effort was through the roof from our rookies. With laser line drives and outstanding field play from each of you, it was a promising site to behold. Keep bringin' it!

Evening Awards:

The “Ashley Perdue” award for causing Herd Management significant chestial pain due to arriving last goes to: C-Nix! Car trouble is a thorn to the rear-end- I feel your pain good sir.

The "Brett Favre Comeback Teaser Award" goes to Bryan "Doubles" Timmons. I don't know about everyone else, but having you in left center just felt right. You had to go and produce offspring didn't you!?!? Please come back as often as possible and bring the tremendous defense, batting skills and HERD passion you possess with you every time.

The “Herd Pride” award for bringing the most Herd support goes to Jenny from Mullen. Your upbeat attitude and congratulatory efforts had the HERD in awe last night. You, my friend, deserve the congratulations on being such an awesome teammate. 

The “Shannon Craft” award for being Shannon Craft goes to Shannon Craft. Ms. Craft, the hitting clinic you have put on this season brings me to happy tears (refer to above list for similar events when this happy feeling also occurs). You consistently leave us wanting more………….…that’s what she said.

HERD Facts:

When the HERD wants popcorn, we exhale on Nebraska.

The HERD uses Tabasco sauce as eye drops

There's strong……then there's Army strong……….Then there's HERD strong.

The HERD gives Freddy Kreuger nightmares

The following is a short list of the things the HERD cannot do:

Get it?

I love you HERD. Game next week at 6:30 vs. our fierce rivals Motlee Crew on Field 3. Come prepared to crush our opponent.

The Night I fought Rocky

LAST NIGHT:
Herd 3 Tarheels 15
Novant 6 Galafainaks 6
Flex 12 OSC 2
Mixed up 12 Haws 11

Next Week:
7:30 Purple v/s Mixed up 7:30 WP#2

Absent Next Week:?
Biggie

Tale of the Tape:
The Tarheels had more women baserunners in the 4th inning than the Herd had TOTAL in 6 innings.

Game Notes:
Poop. Vomit. Uncontrollable flows of blood from the cranial region due to being turned into a zombie after eating a deli sandwich from Panera. Snookie. Prior to last night, these were the most disgusting things in the world. We can now add the Herd’s game v/s the Tarheels to that list. The Purs were unable to get things going, despite an epic and historic pre pre game festivity that saw the majority of the Mighty Purple Herd converge on Bib’s in downtown Winston salem in what many patrons considered a hostile takeover after the primal “HERD UP!!” scream from Herd Pitcher Goose.

Even though the bats have been deafly quite for the majority of the season, Herd Superstar Biggie Gazelle continued his torid pace, going a blustery 2-2 on the evening, proving to be one shining star in a dark dark universe. Another amazing effort behind the plate was turned in by Ice on this evening, recording a Herd record two putouts and an assist that brought the capacity Herd crowd of 2 to their respective feet.

Staying with the defensive theme, Misty (you needs you a nickname) Inch continues to show the world why she was the most sought after 2nd basewomen this offseason. Her range at 2nd base reminds Herd management of a young strapping Ryan Sandberg. Despite being stricken by the Haneline/Miller injury curse in the 3rd inning, J-Mill held down 1st base with aplumb and respect, and even offered sound relationship advice which we may or may not get to later in this report.

A lot can be said for on the field contributions, where Herd Rookie J-Dub continues to grow and excel, but even more can be said for her consistent and almost violent Purple Herd Passion off the field. One of the most anticipated features of the week for Herd Management includes stalk…er.. reading J-Dub’s facebook posts about her love, desire and unadulterated affection toward her new brothers and sisters in purp.

Herd managements favorite athlete at any level of all time falls squarely on the shoulders of superstar C Freak Nix. Nix was pounded like the kid who fought rocky at short stop all night long by scorching missles hit off the defiantly illegal bats of the tarheel athletes, yet time and time again made the spectacular play that not even the most conditioned major league baseball player could ever make in his wildest dreams.

Herd management is a firm believer of voodoo conspiracy theories when it comes to Co-Rec softball and that belief was affirmed on Thursday evening when it became evident that the Tarheels had planned to take the transportation device of the Herds most fierce Hitter, Sparkles out of the equation. Sparkles refused to let the mystical pastel blue powers detour him from arriving to the field full of determination and exuberance and yet again performing at an exceeding high level.


Fantasy Report:
I have so many things to say to you.
POG Report:

No Herd player deserves POG more than the mighty Herd’s on Shannon Craft Award. Award is 2-2 on being the last person to the field, making this the most consistent stat of any Herd athlete on the season. Craft has also become the most unlucky player on the team at the plate. Despite being one player that is hitting the ball with any level ferocity thus far, unfortunately the oppositions defense has managed to bumble their way into robbing Award of more than one extra base hit.


EVENING AWARDS:
On an evening such as this, awards will be shelved until next week.

Random Herd Factoids:
Police often question the Herd…just because they find them interesting.
The Herd taught a Horse to read their emails for them.
The Herd is the only person(s) to ace a Rorschach Test.
Alien abductors have asked the Herd to probe THEM.
Thank you for your continued support of Herd Athletics,

Dont call it a comeback, we've been here for years

LAST NIGHT:

Herd 7 Flex 6

Next Week:
6:30 Novant v/s Zach Galafanakis fanboys WP4
7:30 Herd v/s Tarheels (WHAT?!?!) WP4
6:30 Flex v/s OSC WP1

7:30 Mixed up vs Haws WP1

Absent Next Week:?

Tee Time

On the Edge of Glory:
1^st time in club history overcoming a 4 run 7^th inning deficit
1^st HTP in the prestigious pre game history of the mighty Purple Herd

383^rd Haneline/Miller injury

Game Notes:

Katy Perry. Taylor Swift. Chipper Jones. The Jonas Brothers. The blond girl on iCarley. Unlike these soulless, no talent cretins, the Mighty Purple Herd displayed a level of heart and determination that was once thought to be crushed and destroyed well into the 7^th inning of the opening game of the 2011 Fall Co-Rec season. While the bats seemed to be on a hiatus for the most part of the game, it was the enthralling defense of the sensational Herd that kept the destiny darlings in the game. Led by the splendid glove of nauseously jacked up Sparkles and the unbridled range of C-Nix, the fine folk from flex floundered from the offensive side of the plate as well. Super Slugger J the Crush Mill was nothing short of tremendous in her first start, replacing Herd Legend Ashley Perdue at 1^st base. Biggie The Gazelle sporting a confusing LSU jersey was amazing not only at 3^rd base, but also provided one of the only bright spots at the plate on the evening, going a blustery 2-3.

Long time Herd Patron and leader of the Herd endorsed Tee Time club, C-Pfohl provided Herd management exactly what he wanted in a ball player…eternally great skill. Pfohl had the entire Flex defense more confused than a goat on AstroTurf with his ability to hit the ball anywhere on the field.

A special gold star goes to the official Herd inspiration, Heather “Ice Cream?” Miller. Ice Cream stood in the box as a psychotic Flex runner tried to shred her entire body with his cleats like Freddy Krueger. Ice suffered substantial contusions to the upper thigh, calf, ankle, spleen, and hip, yet did not come out of the game and continued to produce at a high level.

Fantasy Report:

Since Fantasy contributes about 93% of the material for each and every Herd report, Herd Administration has decided to dedicate an entire section in her honor, for this week anyway. While Fantasy’s contributions on the field are immense and incomparable, it was her off the field antics that stole the show on this evening. Despite the fact that the pre game DJ antics obviously did not inspire the Herd bats, it did inspire the entire Flex squad to literally applaud each Herd athlete as they were introduced. Kudos Fantasy.

POG Report:

Herd Pitcher, Scott “Goose” Walkush has time and time again established himself as an all time Herd great, both on and off the field. Tonight was no exception. While Goose was 0-3 prior to his last at bat replacing the record setting Bryan “Doubles” Timmons in the leadoff spot, Herd Management said a little prayer asking for him to just get one more at bat. Prayer answered. Everyone in the stadium knew that if Goose was able to get the bat in his hands just once more, he would deliver, and deliver he did. New 9’s delivered a crushing blow to RC that allowed the game winning run to score in the bottom of the 7^th. Super kudos to you sir! Enjoy your legen….dary status my friend.

Rookie Report:

An exciting new feature of the Herd report will be our weekly dedication to our two sensational rookies, J Dub and M-Inch. These two tireless Herd Athletes have both infused an immeasurable spark into the moral fiber of the Herd, not experienced since the historic season of 2009. The on the field contributions were also awe inspiring on this muggy evening. M-Inch played flawlessly at one of the toughest positions on the field, 2^nd base, while J-Dub drew the 2 out walk that led to Goose’s game winning hit. Rookies, I encourage you to continue to awe me on a weekly basis.

EVENING AWARDS:
The “Ashley Perdue” award for causing Herd Management significant chestial pain due to arriving last goes to SCA! AP would be pound my friend

The “DJ Jazzy Jeff” award for mixing up phat beats during pregame goes to Fantasy. I wasn’t sure whether to dance the night away or swing at mediocre thrown softballs.

The “Herd Pride” award for bringing the most Herd support goes to rookie Minch! Way to care.

The “Shannon Craft” award for being Shanon Craft goes to Ashley Perdue for Shannon Craft being Ashley Perdue.

Random Herd Factoids:

When in Rome, they do as the Herd does.

The pheromones the Herd secretes are felt hundreds of miles away…in a slight but measurable way.

The Herd is the life of parties they have never attended.

The Mighty Purps have won the lifetime achievement award…twice.

Thank you for your continued support of Herd Athletics,

Michael Swaim Herd Administration
http://www.purpleherd.blogspot.com

An Open Letter from Sparkles

Fellow Herdspeople,

I apologize for my delayed response to the final HERD Report. I was away on my honeymoon all last week without access to email, and I was running around that Friday doing wedding stuff. Apparently the smoke signals I sent from Mexico werent big enough to reach my Herd brothers and sisters.

I was told that the water in the Caribbean was an unbelievable shade of blue and that I wouldn’t believe it until I saw it. I'm not sure if its a seasonal thing, but the entire time I was down there, the water was a breathtakinglyradiant purple. I saw purple beaches and met purple people. Kristin's eyes were purple and I saw some amazing purple sunsets every day. I'm not sure why everything was so different, but I've got a doctors appointment this week and hopefully he can tell me why everything I see is in purple…… After some googling, I've found some online banter from people who have had the same symptoms and blame it on some scientific garbage about weak electromagneticfield pulses, blah- blah- blah (http://forums.wrongdiagnosis.com/showthread.php?t=39444).

I spent many hours digging and digging for more information, and I finally stumbled across a disease that I feel best describes my condition. Only about .0007% of Triad citizens have ever shown the symptoms and been diagnosed with this, and yes it is recognized by every single medical book/society/expert/genius in the world, especially the Gesundheit Institute. Please view the following information and if you are exhibiting these same symptoms- consult your doctor, drug dealer or preacher (in my case all the same guy) immediately.

Purpleoscious amblyopiatic herdacious wewillcrushallthosewhostandinourwaythisspringwithacreepysmileonourfaces-itus

Symptoms

&#8226 Seeing everything in purple
&#8226 Bleeding purple
&#8226 Crying purple
&#8226 Constantly googling the word “purple” to see if there is anything new in the world to become obsessed with
&#8226 Inserting the word "purple" or "herd" when those words have no business being in purple a sentence. (see how I did that?)
&#8226 Dreaming about purple softballs scaling outfield fences while the opposing team cries and melts into the ground like the Wicked Witch in Oz, bleachers full of old women with purple perms and tuxedo t-shirts cheer “Herd, Herd, Herd,” Chuck Norris repeatedly round house kicks the other teams coach who looks like Hitler, and Tracy Chapman sings “Fast Car’ from our dugout wearing tie-died jeans and a sport coat, and plays a guitar with a picture of my face painted on it. (or maybe that’s just me?)

&#8226 The strange desire to eat purple foods e.g.- eggplant, purple cabbage, Herd Stew (herd stew is not yet an actual dish. Once I find a combination of purple foods that, when mixed together in a low sodium beef broth and boiled, tastes even close to half the deliciousness of a Herd victory, I will share the recipe and sell it to Wolfgang Puck for a large fortune, rendering all future league dues and equipment purchases unnecessary, also fulfilling the large need for a purple Lamborghini/school bus for team use on gamedays (maybe some Chrystal too))

Cures
Chuck Norris’ tears….. too bad he never cries
Death
?

Notes: In some cases, even death won’t cure Purpleoscious amblyopiatic herdacious wewillcrushallthosewhostandinourwaythisspringwithacreepysmileonourfaces-itus. Once infected, the host can only succumb to the power of the purple.

Please share your symptoms you may have with everyone else.

Together, we can beat this awesome disease. (Not really, once the Herd has taken over, abandon all hope.)

Love,
Sparkles

A-well-a everybody's heard about the Herd...H-H-H-Herd, Herd, Herd, H-Herd is the word

LAST NIGHT:
I don't want to talk about it.


NEXT WEEK:
I don't want to talk about that, either.


PREGAME FESTIVITIES:
I need a hug.

GAME NOTES:
Whew.  What a roller coaster ride, huh?  In a day whose pregame excitement would surpass the anticipation of March Madness, the Super Bowl, and the World Cup combined, your Mighty Purple Herd was not able to deliver the goods and fell to a tenacious, if not oddly unfamiliar, group of groomers (seriously, who were half of those people and did anyone check their paperwork?).

The day's festivities would start early and would continue often as a barrage of emails, video clips and Facebook posts would whip the Herd faithful into a frenzy not seen since Lady Gaga shot machine guns out of her hoo-hoos.  Just like New York's hottest nightclub, Unnnnngggghh!, pregame had everything; Rod Stewart, Auto-Tune, Queen, Purple Lightning, Purple Tears, Garth Brooks, and Garth Algar (schwing!).  And lest we forget that through the power of Twitter, ASU standout and Panthers wide receiver, Armanti Edwards, confirmed what we've known for some time - an athlete of his caliber can't help but love the Herd.  And while the enunciation seems a bit off here (is it a B or an H?), it would also appear that your Herd is now also known among the animated world.  And if you're still not convinced, just Google it.  For realsies.

PGF introduced even more excitement, as Lindsey "Maggie Gyllenhaal" Yarborough came all the way from LA to sport purple, Dave "the cooler/unofficial photographer" Allred made a Herd jersey from scratch, and Nobu "ready for the storm, ready for the sun" Hatanaka made the trip from Japan (via the local SRT office) to provide that extra little bit of pep for the team.  At the field, the support for the Herd would continue to grow as Ginger "I taught C-Nix everything he knows" Nixon brought unofficial Herd mascot Leroy, and in an unprecedented and record-breaking attendance move, Dawn "EVERYBODY loves Dawn" Stafford appeared out of the steam of the evening to cheer on the Purps.

As for the game, well, it started off slow, then got kind of awesome, then got really not awesome.  The Herd bats chose to emulate Lindsay Lohan - locked up for a while, free on bail and reckless/crazy, then put back on house arrest.  The end result would be a lead for most of the contest that would just melt away in the late innings.  Sniff.

The Herd outfield played solid all night, as both John "Yes, that Sparkles nickname is gonna stick (sorry about that, pal)" Spivey and Bryan "when IS the last time you hit a double, doubles?" Timmons performed a double axel and a triple toe loop, respectively, on the slick outfield grass while still making (somewhat awkward) catches.  Great fielding wouldn't be enough for Spivey as he went deep for the 2nd game in a row, paying the metaphorical bail to the Herd's batting imprisonment and getting things started on offense.  Heather "Ice Cream sure would have been a nice treat on such a sweltering evening" Miller saved multiple extra base hits with her gold glove in RF and Erin "The Voice, Tuesdays on NBC" Haneline was nothing less than a brick wall on her return to LF, not letting a single ball by all night.  These sisters also put a hurt on the ball like Herd Management put a hurt on two delectable Mexican meals in a short matter of hours.

The fun wasn't limited to the grass, as there was sparkling play in the dirt as well.  J-Mill "Dyson, yes Dyson (because it's better than Hoover, duh)" Miller closed out the season with impeccable play at 2B.  Shannon Craft Award's job behind the plate was only slightly edged out by her bat slinging.  For you standardized test fans, SCA is to batting as Chuck Norris is to roundhouse kicks.  Chad "Biggie, or Big E if you're John Spivey" White found the groove again and reached base repeatedly on pure will and his gazelle-like saunter.  The high standard of play, sportsmanship, and pure excellence required of all Herd athletes was on full display last night by Scott "Goooooooooose" Walkush and Christopher "Leroy's Dad" Nixon.  Goose was just a few well-place hits away from pitching us to victory, and C-Nix - well let's face it, that dude probably eats cereal better than the rest of us.

It is with great pride, a quivering lip, and a box of tissues at the ready, that we come to Ashley "The Legend" Perdue.  Competing in what is rumored to be her last game with the Herd, AP did what AP does best.  Everything.  Her final at-bat couldn't have been written better.  A-Dub steps in, gives the terror stare (TM), and proceeds to drill a beauty of a shot well beyond the dogs' left fielder, cruising in for a double and sending the Herd bench into near hysterics.  The Herd, past, present, and future thanks you for all that you've done.  We'll miss you.

And that, faithful readers, does it for Spring 2011.  Preparations for Fall 2011 started 10 years ago and should be complete in time for preseason practice en route to a return to form and undefeated championship season.


Random Herd Facts:

One day the Herd wanted to prank the whole world, and so Justin Bieber was created.

ADD is not a chemical imbalance, it is a condition caused by the fact that it is impossible to concentrate knowing the Herd may strike at any time.

Superman and The Flash have a race around the world. Who wins? The Herd.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: the Herd once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he spit it back out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

That's the way (uh huh, uh huh), Herd likes it!

LAST NIGHT:
Herd 11, Formerly average hair band that was forced to retire 7

NEXT WEEK:
Herd vs. Groomingdale's, 6:30 WP #1, then WHEN we win
Herd vs. Crew, 7:30 WP #1, then WHEN we win
Herd vs. Crew (yes, again), 8:30 WP #1
Missing next week:  No one?!?



PREGAME FESTIVITIES:
Yes!  Abbreviated PGF will return to Foothills at 5:02



GAME NOTES:
Peaches come from a can, they were put there by a man, in a factory downtoooooooown.  You know what also comes in a can?  Whoop ass.  In a performance that would have made the Presidents of the United States of America proud, the Herd opened the proverbial can and unleashed the fury on the Motlee Crue.  The season-long plan to lull the competition into complacency then strike in the playoffs was executed to perfection last night on WP #4.  After an epic showing at PGF, discussion of strategery, and team bonding over a record number of samplers, it was off to the field to get down to business.

With the impending retirement of superstar Ashley "you're my soul and my heart's inspiration" Perdue, the awesomeness of the Herd made a collective decision not to lose on this sweltering June eve.  Bryan "PGF MVP, FTW" Timmons set the tone early with a gapper into left field and wheels that didn't stop until the dugout, at which point the wheels did not want to start again for the rest of the night.  AP did her part to secure a game next week by laying down clutch hit after hit and RBI after RBI, in a breathtaking display that is only equaled by the quality of NBC's Thursday night comedy programming.

It wasn't all roses for the Herd, as the Motlee Crue came to play.  But in the face of adversity and elimination, the battery of Scott "the goose is loose" Walkush and Shannon Craft Award would prove to be too much for the Crue's hitters, enticing them into double plays and pop-outs much like the Greensboro black bear was enticed out of the woods by the delicious aromas of pic-a-nic baskets.  This combo wouldn't be satisfied with only strong defense, oh no.  Both Goose and Award out hit and out hustled your average bear all night.

And how about that offense, huh?  Christopher "Freaknik" Nixon, oh my word!  Nixon tacked on another home run bringing his season tally to approixmately 42.  In retrospect, perhaps their pitcher made the right decision giving C-Nix that free pass last time.  Not to be outdone, John "no food for me, thanks" Spivey attacked this game like a man that has been over-served on Tom Haverford's Snake Juice.  Spiv has hit the ball hard all season, but none better than last night.  After deciding that a line drive triple wasn't enough, Spivey found pay dirt in a towering home run that very likely served as the nail on the Crue's coffin.  Erin "hand her a mic" Haneline continued her new duties of making this Herd more like the old Herd again this week with the hitting we all know and love as well as her newfound ability to loosen up the Herd through song.  Words can't express how great it is to smile, laugh, and generally freak out the opposition on the field.

And while home runs are great and all, let's not forget the barrage of base hits that made those homers count.  J-Mill "don't steal my yell" Miller made the Miller family proud by putting together a blistering batting display and accounting for 16 of the Herd's 11 runs on the evening (it's just math, folks).  Chad "call him straight drive, 'cause that was clutch" White came up big in the field and at the plate, providing that blinding gazelle speed that is such a joy to watch.  Amanda "A Squared" Able also stepped in admirably to not only make it to the right field, but also keep the Herd afloat and in this contest until the end.

And on such a triumphant evening, let's not forget the 11th man.  Herd Management's enthusiasm,nervous nausea, and real time Facebook updates always inspire the Herd to take things to the next level.  But on this evening, a quick look down the line would show nearly full bleachers!  Unconfirmed reports would even suggest that the Herd's fanbase performed a textbook wave in the 7th inning.  Thanks all for the Herdastic support (and please don't forget us next week at 6:30).

This report can't end without recalling the way the game ended.  Golden glove nominee Christopher Nixon made what will undoubtedly be the greatest catch in the history of the Thursday league.  This over-the-shoulder diving grab ended a late rally by the Crue, brought teammates to tears of joy, and moved the Herd into the next round.  You, good sir, sweat excellence.


Awards!

The Shannon Craft Award for being Shannon Craft award goes to...Shannon Craft!  You were putting the hex on their hitters, weren't you?  It's OK, you can tell us (and you can please whatever you did again next week).

The Redding/Haneline award for most gut-wrenching slide goes to...Erin Haneline!  We're all glad you didn't go an entire season without an amazing slide and strawberry.

The Herd Management's Sabbatical Spirit award goes to...John Spivey!  He hits!  He fields!  He does cartwheels (sorta)!  And he takes the brunt of Herd Management's postgame exuberance!

Random Herd Facts:

The police have developed a new, high tech bullet proof vest - it's a T-shirt with the Herd printed on it.

A watched pot boils instantly for the Herd.

The Herd isn't a cat person but if he was, he would own 3 lions, a snow leopard, and cougar.

The Herd once got a record deal for playing the air guitar.  Two days later he started Metallica, then quit.