Friday, August 27, 2010

Because Your Herd, Your Herd is my Drug

Game Notes:
On an evening where Passion, Desire, Youthful Exuberance and Unbridled Motivation were replaced with crispy gorditas, taco pizza’s, olive dip and double stuffed taco’s, the Mighty Purple Herd wilted under the pressure, suffering their 3rd consecutive loss at the hands of the defending spring champions, the YMC A’s

Despite their pregame assault on all things Taco, Wes “By Gosh Frikin” Miller, Heather “Sweat T” Miller and Erin “Fantasy Taco” Haneline, the Haneline/Miller trio were able to perform and an unhealthily high level on the softball field. By Gosh Frikin was absolutely robbed of a game tying home run by the 103% humidity on the field, undoubtedly caused by the multitude of Mexican delicacy intakes. Another member of the Miller family involved in a robbery was fan favorite Heather “Sugar” Miller. Miller demonstrated time and time again why she is one of the most feared and respected 2nd basewomen in the game, making one of the most bedazzling plays to end an inning that your eyes will ever see. The 3rd member of the Taco Trinity, Erin “Fantasy” Haneline was also involved in a robbery of her own, when Herd fan favorite stepped in to rob her of a put out in the 2nd inning. Also of note, it was discovered that the fantasy has perhaps the softest hands on the team, reminiscent of a fluffy cloud in a western sunset.

The 4th member of the Haneline/Miller Quadrant, Jenn “Devastator” Miller was able to avoid the lures and temptations of a delicious outing at the border, and it showed. Miller continued her destruction on the Herd rookie record books, going an impressive 3-4 on the night, which included starting the Herd only 2 rallies of the evening.

While most of the Herd did all they could to ensure victory on the evening, it appeared that our own pitcher, the heart and soul of the team was single handedly out to sabotage any chance the Herd had of winning the game by forcing the Herds Greatest Fans and only true inspirations to compete and win, his wife and kids, to stay at home. Herd management was absolutely devastated as he scanned out over the capacity crowd and did not see the Herds most important and vital fans in the stands.

In a true testament to the absolute power and might of the YMC A’s, the Herd’s designated lightning bolt, Gazelle Trip Zero Biggie was thrown out at first base for the 1st time in his prestigiously illustrious career. The big fella also fell victim to the pre game weigh down of one of the most dominatingly destructive pre game meals in Herd History however.

Chad “C-Dub the outfield thief” Welch made his highly anticipated return last night, and he did not disappoint. Not only did C-Dub stay an entire county away from any sort of Taco’s, Gordita’s, Burrito’s or Chicken Apple Sandwiches, Dub was able to put on a display in the outfield that left our own right fielder, The Fantasy, standing in awe of such mighty majesty. Dub was so absurdly keyed up to make his return to the Mighty Purp that he forgot that he actually had a left fielder and right center fielder, and made some of the most amazingly epic plays in the outfield this season.

C-Nix is a dadgum freak. Herd Management dreams on a regular basis that he had only a fraction of percentage of talent that this superstar displays on a minute by minute basis. Just the sight of C-Nix in the field makes Herd Administration feel insignificant and irrelevant not only on the softball field, but also in the grand scheme of life.

Lauren “still needs a nickname” Hunt once again lived up to her billing as one of the fastest players in the league tonight as her scorching speed down the first baseline kept the all important Herd rally alive in the 4th inning. While her almost Gazelle like speed was literally a thing of beauty, it was her mind boggling heist of the YMC A player in right field that brought the house to its feet in the 6th inning, saving 3 runs and keeping the Herd Alive for one final exhausting rally.

Two of the more storybook displays of excellence on this night came from two of the most historic Herd icons in Herd History. Shannon “Award” Craft, fresh off of her trip to Japan, kept her hot bat from the spring going tonight, despite not taking the field on almost 3 months. Craft was an awe-inspiring 3-4 at the plate and is batting a jaw dropping .750 on the season!

Herd eidolon Ashley “A-Dub” Perdue continues to prove over and over again why she is by far the most intimidating and dominating force in the history of co-rec athletics. Fresh off Herd Awareness trip to Japan and another trip to Chicago, Ashley was able to hit the ball to any spot on the field that she so desired all night long.

The brightest spot for the men on offense this evening had to be that of Bryan “hide yo kid hide yo wife” Timmons. With the Herd mired in an offensive funk like never seen before, it was Timmons who shouldered the load for the Herd, going 4-4 and was a mere home run away from hitting for the first cycle in Herd History. Not only did Timmons bring the heat on the field, his mere presence at PGF was one of the most inspirational stories of the evening.

**Evening Awards**

The "Redding/Haneline" award for most gut wrenching slide goes to Heather Miller for her Plop.

The "Redding/Haneline" award for most gut wrenching slide goes to Jennifer Miller for her bone crushing slide into home.

The "Redding/Haneline" award for most gut wrenching slide goes to Scott “Sergeant Goose” Walkush for his random yet timely slides into pretty much every base on the field.

The “Don’t ever eat there again” award goes to Taco Bell.

The “Shannon Craft” award for being Shannon Craft goes to the most fantastically awesome fans in the history of the Mighty Purple Herd…the Walkush Spouse and kids.

Random Herd Facts
The Herd doesn’t turn on the Shower. They simply look at it until it cries.

When the Herd holds the iPhone 4, the reception actually INCREASES.

When The Herd played golf for money, they marked down a hole in 0 every time. A pro at the golf club, said to The Herd: "excuse me Herd, but you can’t score zero on a hole".

The Herd turned towards the man and said,” I’M THE BY GOSH FRIKIN HERD!” The man then proceeded to pour gas over his body and set himself on fire because that would be less painful than getting roundhouse kicked by the mighty Herd. The Herd kicked him in the face anyway.
Thank you for your continued support of Herd Athletics,
Michael Swaim Herd Administration

Thursday, August 12, 2010

I like the way it Herds, I like the way it Herds..

Game Notes:
The Mighty Purple Herd opened the 2010 Fall Season in a huge, monumental way with an epic win over The Manchester United Aon Outsource This’s by a final score of 14-1. Things got off to a rocky start earlier in the week when Herd Management realized that he would be without 5 (five) of the Herd’s most prestigious and decorated players for this early season tussle with the feisty This’. It was at that point that the realization came to fruition that one of the most amazingly epic recruiting tasks would be at hand. The 1st recruit came at the hands of Heather ICE CREAM SURE WOULD HAVE BEEN FRIKIN NICE YESTERDAY Miller. Miller, known more for her crafty skills at 2nd, is one of the league’s most overlooked recruiters. Ice Cream has brought amazing talent to the Purp in the past, but the recruitment of Laura “lastnameescapsme” Ballplayer was one of her finest works ever. Laura came in fresh off of her last stint as a softball player just 8 years ago and made a difference not only behind the plate and at bat, but made a difference in all of our lives in such a positive way it is simply far too emotionally distracting to mention in this blurb.

Perhaps the most amazing and unexpected recruits in the history of not only co-rec softball but in the history of sports all around the globe is one Mr. Nakoma Smith. This recruitment shows why Herd Management is by far the most amazing recruiter. Ever. For Serious. A simple blurb many many months ago on facebook was made about Nakoma “you belong with us” Smith’s antics in a softball game far far away. Herd Management records these trite facts like a one terabyte hard drive for easy access when needed. With the absence of 3 of our most fierce hitters, it was time to call up Mr. Smith to the show and he delivered in a way that could only be dreamed about.

The acquisition of Nakoma would have not been possible if it weren’t for our very own Chris “Freak” Nix. I almost refuse to pen another word about Freak for it can only diminish his legacy among the greatest athletes of our or any generation. Freak made the all important call to Nakoma to secure that commitment, then went out and simply dominated the left side of the infield all day long. You don’t know how it feels. You don’t know how it feels. You don’t know how it feels, to be Nix.

Our third and perhaps most eye opening recruit of the evening was one Mr. Chris “1/2 amazing, 1/3 pitcher, 1/3 defensive genius, 1/3 show stopper” Pfohl. The Purple Herd Blood runs deep within Pfhols veins, so this recruitment was perhaps the easiest of the 3. CPfohl, initially recruited to play 3rd base, was able to move back to the mound thanks to the absolute generosity and kindness of Sergeant Goose, who was not only willing to play short stop, he was almost giddy. Giddy like a school girl. The move to the mound for CPfohl was another brilliant move in a long line of brilliant moves by Herd Management. It became obvious throughout the day that most of the OST athletes feared Pfohl similar to the way Katy Perry fears talent…they do not want any part of it. This came to light as Pfohl recorded a 1st batter of the season strikeout for the first time in co-rec history.

Pfohl would not have had the opportunity to dominate the OST batters had it not been for the Herds most beloved superstar’s willingness to move over to Shortstop. Not only did our very own Sergeant Goose make the move to the middle of the defense, he did it with elegance and grace often associated with a beautiful Marcy Playground ballad. While the move to SS would have been a career ending decision for most, that was not the case for Goose, as he was able to flash beautiful displays of brilliance with his leather before he moved back to his rightful place atop the mound to record the final 3 outs of the game.

Yet another wonderful display of versatility was shown by our very own dancing Gazelle, Biggie trip z White. Trip Z was able to hold down the hot corner with absolute precision all evening long before he made his 1st career appearance in the outfield. The OST batters were so frightened of the big fella that they absolutely REFUSED to hit a ball anywhere near him all night long. One can only imagine what the outcome would have been had they tested his skills in the outfield. I dream of a day where we can all witness Trip Z get on his horse and track down a ball in the outfield like a heat seeking Gazelle.

In the fall, one of the Herds biggest downfalls was our lack of blistering speed. This need was addressed in the offseason by our acquisitions of Ty Lauren and Jeni “From Mullen” Hodges. Not only do these finely tuned athletes bring much desired and fantasized about speed to the mighty Purps, they also show the world that regardless of your roots, you are born to enhance the Herd experience. It is well documented that the Herd and Mullen grew up together over the past 4 years. Over those 4 years it also became obvious that Jeni “From Mullen” had more than earned a chance to compete with the most prestigious group of athletes in the history of the universe. While the Herd and Mullen were often seen as “sister teams” Compensated and Herd were not. This is what makes the acquisition of Lauren “Ty” Hunt so special. Herd Management looks forward to seeing these two ladies grow in their Purple over the course of the next 11 weeks.

The easy choice for game MVP is the beloved J-Mill. Herd management has become such a fan of J-Mill that he is currently in the process of developing a strategy to put J in a box and take her with him wherever he goes and also to put her on display next to the fantastic heirlooms of Herd years past. J-Mill turned in by far her most dominating offensive performance of her short but dominating Herd Career, going 4-4 with 3 rbi’s and 3 runs scored.

No Herd Report would be complete with the absolute obvious stroking of Herd Favorite, the Fantasy, Erin Haneline. Fantasy was able to take a few innings off from playing a mindwreckingly dominate left field for the first time in almost 5 years to sit back and enjoy her creation for once. It is pure pleasure watching the Fantasy’s spirit and electricity literally rub off on the entire Herd, motivating them and pushing them to levels thought impossible to reach. Thank you Fantasy, for being our Zen.

League Info:
Herd management has discovered some very useful information about the teams in the league. The Groomingdales are comprised of several Lab Rats as well as the core from a team that went 11-0 in the spring and had a run differential of + 144 according to their coach. Sum N Special is an unfortunate combination of two of the most dominating teams in the history of the league…Sherry’s Pub and Carlyle’s pub. YMCA is the exact same team that went undefeated in our league in the spring. Needless to say, we do indeed have our work cut out for us this fall.

***Evening Awards***
The "Redding/Haneline" award for most gut wrenching slide goes to Sergeant Goose for taking out the OST catcher early and often.

The “Most uneventful game ever” award goes to this game. Seriously. Throw me a bone here people.

The “Shannon Craft” award goes to Bryan Timmons, Wes Miller, C-Dub, Ashley and Shannon Craft for all being like Shannon Craft….ABSENT!

Random Herd Facts
Sharks have dedicated an entire week of watching a television show dedicated to The Herd.
When the Herd was born, the only person to cry was the doctor. NEVER SLAP THE HERD!
Rudolph has a red nose because he got lippy and The Herd roundhouse kicked him across the face a couple of times.
The Herd frequently donates blood to the red cross…just never its own.

Thank you for your continued support of Herd Athletics,
Michael Swaim Herd Administration