Friday, October 30, 2009

Halloween Herd

Herd Administration is faced with a difficult decision at this time. A decision as to what to go as for Halloween. It appears that the garb or choice will be to don the Purple Shorts, the Majestic Purple Jersey, cleats, the Herd Hat and strap the Spring and Fall WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP TROPHIES to the arms and go as Not Compensated.

Friday, October 23, 2009

We Are The Champions, My Herd

****Please understand that this was written at approx 1:15 am est this morning. What you are about to read has no logical flow and will make very little sense. To sum it up, The Mighty Purple Herd is your 2009 Fall THL Champions and Compensated is not.*****

Good Morning Herd!!!
Last night:

Incented 17 Compensated 11 <----Eliminated. 3rd place is cute though. (snicker)
Herd 13 Incented 0 <----Incented Eliminated, Herd CHAMPS!

Next Week:
Enjoy The next 20 weeks off.

Absent Next Week:

Herd Notes:
Herd has won back to back titles for the 1st time in franchise history
Herd has won via mercy rule in the last two championship games
Herd won 20 games in 2009, a franchise record.
Herd defeated Incented by scores of 26-13, 18-8, and 13-0 this fall season.

Game Notes:
We are the Champions, my friend.
In the sports world, the term perfection is carelessly thrown around like a softball in the compensated outfield. On this glorious and unforgettable night however, Herd Nation reminded the world that true and passionate perfection does indeed exist. The MIGHTY HERD CHAMPIONS put all the pieces together tonight in what proved to be one of the most lopsided Championship game victories in Tarheel League History. The Heart and Soul of the Big Purps, Erin, The Fantasy Haneline, once again overcame the unfortunate lack of toilet paper AND toilets on this night to flash brilliant leather in the outfield and hustle out every single one of her hits for the first time in Haneline History. Despite being the unfortunate victim of Herd Management in game calculations, AnnaManda Holland continued her mind boggling streak of not having one single ball hit in her direction all night. As a side note, Herd Management is looking forward to AnnaManda being able to legally drive to the games next year. It’s a privilege, not a right. AnnaManda’s official cheaufer’ Amanda Redding continued her assault on the emotional well being of Herd Management by neglecting to commit herself to next season. Herd Administration can put hurt feelings aside on this night however and congratulate Redding on her spectacular play all season, especially in the championship game. Unfortunately, Amanda was also a victim of the lack of rest-room facilities, however I am sure she made the gentleman living in the woods a very happy person on this evening. Jessica “the Freak” Hendrix, the likely winner of the Woman MVP Award, was yet again devastating at 2nd base, forcing Incented to hit the ball to the other side of the field all game long. Hendrix also laid down one of the sweetest INTENTIONAL swinging bunts anyone will ever see in a softball game. In perhaps her best game of the season, Heather “The Natural” Haneline Miller was exquisite with the bat on this glorious evening. Miller had the entire Incented defense guessing all night long. Unfortunately for the dark blue’s, they guessed wrong. However yet again, Hanelines on the field accomplishments will be greatly overshadowed by the fact that she introduced bite size ice cream sandwiches to the team, yet did not deliver. One. Single. Bite.

At this time, Herd Management would like to recognize the accomplishments of two very special, wonderfully and overly talented women, Shannon Craft and Ashley Perdue. Over the past 4 weeks, Shannon Craft displayed generous flashes of greatness with her bat. Shannon reached base in 14 of her final 18 at bats and single handily generated an environment of peace and well being with her amazingly confident demeanor. Ashley Perdue, one of the founders of your MIGHTY PURPLE HERD, finally found herself back in the lineup and on the right side of a championship game. Without Ashley Perdue, one of the all time Herd greats, the Mighty Purple Herd would have likely had to settle for wallowing in a sea of mediocrity with the folks from compensated this season.

Normally the Herd Women show up to play and carry the Purps to victory, however the Herd gentlemen lived up to their all star billing on this night as well. It all starts with Herd superstar Bryan Timmons, who simply can not be thrown out by a mere mortal at first base The blinding speed of Timmons can only be equaled by the stunningly beautiful mobility of Chad Trip Z White. Herd Management takes great joy and satisfaction watching the big man make his journey around the basepaths, mocking the speed of teenage jaguars on his way. Incented’s game plan was to obviously try to avoid hitting the ball to the Herd women all night, so their only other option was to hit it to the Herd men. Little did they know that the combination of Christopher Nixon and Wes BY GOSH Miller would rip the heart out of the Incented offense, THROW IT ON THE GROUND and turn 3 majestic inning ending double plays. If the defense of the Herd men was not soul crushing enough, the offense was simply glorious. Moonshot Miller delivered the almost cartoonish hit of the night, allowing Cnix to make it from 1st to 3rd before the ball ever landed. Softball superstud, Chad Dub, ran his ridiculous batting average through the roof, driving in multiple RBI’s on his way to Championship game male Herd MVP. The story of the night however belonged to the greatest pitcher to ever step foot on the mound in the illustrious history of the Tar Heel League, Mr. Scott Walkush. Scott has delivered gems from the mound before, however never in the history of co-rec softball has one been witness to such an astonishing pitching performance in a championship game. Walkush only allowed one Incented runner to advance past 1st base, striking out 4 and walking none. Not only did Walkush pitch what every single sports analyst in the history of all of sports, ever, call the best game in history, he delivered in a HUGE way with the bat, going an electrifying 3 for 3 at the plate. Congratulations to everyone for all of their contributions to this special night, bringing the Herd back to its rightful place on top of the Co-Rec Softball Universe!!

***Note from Herd Management***
As Herd Management began his final post softball game trek down US-421, the thoughts and recollections of this amazing 2009 season began to flood his softball genius mind. This season actually began with an 18-19 loss to Compensated in last falls championship game. As the winning run crossed the plate on that fateful night, Herd Administration began unadulteratedly obsessing with the ultimate take-down of the comps and the rightful recrowing as Herd Kings and Queens of the softball Universe. For 6 solid months, Herd Administration ate, drank, slept, walked, talked and dreamed about the events of this very night, a night where The Mighty Purple Herd would be placed back on the throne as the true dominators of Co-Rec Softball. As Miley Cyrus belted out the final chorus of the climb while Herd Administration was pulling into the driveway of Herd Estates, an overwhelming sense of accomplishment and emotion overcame him, sending him into fits of emotional jubilation similar to a live performance by Shakira. Herd Management would like to thank everyone who made this season, this glorious season, possible. From Johnny Frikin Walker, to Blake Bromance Murphy, down to everyone who participated in pregame festivities and responded to ridiculous email after ridiculous email, to the First Baptist Church Youth Group, and to every single fan who attended any Herd game... thank you for making 2009 The Year of the Purple Herd! If Herd Management does not see you again until the spring, everyone have a Happy Halloween, Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Happy My Birthday, Happy Valentines day and Happy St. Patricks day. God Bless. 1 John 2:77 Dear friends, I am not writing a new commandment for you; rather it is an old one you have had from the very beginning. This old commandment—to love one another—is the same message you heard before

***Evening Awards***
The FINAL "Shannon Craft" award of the year for being Shannon Craft goes to SHANNON CRAFT for her resurrected bat and her shoulders in which she carried the Mighty Herd on in the last 3 games!!

The FINAL "Haneline/Redding" award for most gut wrenching slide goes to AMANDA REDDING for her impassioned slide into third to start a HUGE Herd rally.

The FINAL "Bubbalicious" award goes to Chris Nixon for his unwittingly desire to provide delicious purple goodness for the entire squad, night in and night out.

The “No firkin way he hit a ball that high” award goes to Wes BY GOSH Miller for his almost comical triple into the glorious purple night.

The “Ussain Bolt” award goes to Biggie for his angelic scampers around the base paths tonight.

The “Quote of a lifetime” award goes to Jessica Hendrix. We should win more championships. Oh wait, WE DO!!!

The “Do you really wanna hurt me?” award goes to Amanda Redding. Come on.

The "Greatest Herd Photographer ever" award goes to Mini-Me, Emma Swaim for her 93206 random Herd pictures of this glorious evening.

The "Grant Hill" award for being Mr. Do Everything for back to back champions goes to uber star Chad-Dub-Welch for his ridiculously high level of softball talent

Random Herd Facts:
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. The Herd can kill 100 percent of whatever the heck they want.

The Herd’s calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools The Herd.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for The Herd.
Once a cobra bit The Herd’s leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

The Herd does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. The Herd goes killing.

Giraffes were created when The Herd uppercutted a horse.

The Herd can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon

The Herd sold its soul to the devil for its rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts/softball playing ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Purp roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming.

They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

The Herd can build a snowman out of rain.

The Herd once punched a man in the soul.

The Herd is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, they ate a frikin Jeep.

The Herd once bowled a 300. Without a ball. They weren’t even in a bowling alley.

The Herd is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.

and for the last time in 2009,
Thank you for your continued support of Herd Athletics,
Michael Swaim
Herd Management
2009 World Champions

Thursday, October 22, 2009

And let me introduce u 2 the Purple Pain

And now, an original ballad by former Herd Superstar, Cameron Massey:

Purple Herd
I never meant 2 cause Compensated any sorrow
I never meant 2 cause Incented any pain
I only wanted 2 one time see u crying
I only wanted 2 see u crying in the purple rain

Purple Herd bring the pain
Purple Herd bring the pain
Purple Herd bring the pain

I only wanted 2 see u getting beat in the purple rain

I never wanted 2 be your softball idol
I only wanted 2 be your only softball friend
Baby you know I’m gonna steal that trophy
Its such a shame your season had 2 end

Purple Herd bring the pain
Purple Herd bring the pain
Purple Herd bring the pain

I only wanted 2 see u weeping in the purple rain

Honey I know, I know, I know your softball skills aren’t enough
Its time you tried out 4 something new
That means CompIncented 2
U say u want be a softball champion
But u cant seem 2 score runs to save your life
I think u get ready
And let me introduce u 2 the purple pain

Purple Herd bring the pain
Purple Herd bring the pain
Purple Herd bring the pain

If you know what I’m singing about up here
C’mon raise your bat

Purple Herd bring the pain

I only want 2 see u, only want 2 see u
Lose to the Purple Herd

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Pre Game Eve Herd Song by Muse

As Herd management mentally prepares for the greatest moment in the history of all mankind, Herd stumbled upon these majestic lyrics from hit rock band Muse. As Herd management contacted the artist who penned this emotional ballad, it was confirmed that this song was written exclusively for the Mighty Purple Herd!! Read and enjoy. Feel the Herd Lightening pulsate through your purple veins.

They will not force us
They will stop degrading us
They will not control us
We will be victorious

Interchanging mind control
Come let the revolution take its toll if you could
Flick the switch and open your third eye, you'd see that
We should never be afraid to die
(So come on!)

Rise up and take the power back, it's time that
The fat cats had a heart attack, you know that
Their time is coming to an end
We have to unify and watch our flag ascend

Friday, October 9, 2009

We can almost see it, that dream we're dreamin'

Last night:
Compensated 16 Novant 1<--Novant Eliminated
Herd 18 Incented 8
Compensated 18 GMAC 17<---- GMAC Eliminated

V/S Winner of Compensated/Incented for the Championship

Absent Next Week:

Herd Notes:
Herd is playing in their 3rd consecutive title game
Herd has mercy ruled every team in the league at least once
Herd has beaten every team in the league at least twice

Game Notes:
You dont know how it feels. You dont know how it feels. You dont know how it feels, to be Herd.

On perhaps the most magical evening the softball universe has ever been witness to, the MIGHTY PURPLE HERD avenged an early season loss to the Incented, laying the mercy rule on them by a final score of 18-8, catapulting the Big Purps into their 3rd consecutive championship game appearance! One could literally taste the intensity in the air on this perfect fall evening as the Herd was able to jump on the upstarts from Incented early with fundamentally sound defense and crucial situational hitting. Death, Taxes and sensational music from Miley Cyrus were the only given's in life until this season. You can now add Bryan Timmons doubles to that list. Timmons recorded 3 doubles on the evening, breaking the 69 year old Tar Heel League single season doubles record once held by Shamus L. McGrew of the now defunct Butte County Pirates. Congratulations to Timmons for this prestigious and historic record. Timmons could not be as successful as he is if it were not for Erin "Shake it!" Haneline's consistent domination of the oppositions defense with her rugged yet very feminine like play night in and night out. Hanelines hitting as of late has become somewhat of a Masterpiece of grace, discipline and emotion. While her hitting was sensational, it was her pregame festivity appearance that had Herd Management giddy as a little schoolgirl. Its the simple things in life that please Herd Management the most, simple things like delicious ice cream, beating compensated and showing up for pre game festivities. The three epic-est stars of the night however were the Trio of Jessica Hendrix, Shannon Craft and Amanda Redding. And Heather Haneline Miller. And Erin and Yancy. While Yancy was 0-3 at the plate, she did bring in 50% of the Herd fans last night, and that can not be understated or overlooked. She also was able to shift the defense to allow Timmons easy shots down the left/center field area for his 3 doubles. At this point in the season, there are literally NO WORDS that can even begin to describe the beyond magnificent play of Heather Haneline-Miller. Miller arrived to the field obviously jacked up on Life and Bojangles tea ready to prove that she is one of the worlds most physically intimidating figures to ever play Co-Rec softball. Miller did not disappoint, driving in multiple runs, playing fantastic defense and responding to numerous emails. Despite Amanda Redding's consistent attempts in trying to destroy the mind set and physical well being of Herd Management, Red had one of her best games offensively on this evening, culminating with her devastating slide into home early in the game. Redding's intensity on this evening was nothing short of spectacular as evident by her championship-like 20 minute jaunt from her car to the playing field. Shannon Craft continues to lead the comeback player of the year race, reaching base on every one of her at bats. While we are not sure what exactly Shannon is coming back from, it is still relevant. Shannon also proves to be the most calming influence on the team, arriving early and remembering to run out her base hits this year. The headline of the evening must go to The Freak, Jessica BY GOSH Hendrix. Hendrix, a fan favorite (literally), turned in quite possibly one of the most dominating games in co-rec softball history. Not only did she completely and unadulteratedly DOMINATE her position at 2nd base, even dodging yet another attempt at wiping her out, she drove in 5 runs and made one of the most heart wrenching slides Herd Management has ever been witness too. Bystanders could notice as Hendrix slid safely into home, a single tear from Herd Management's eye, symbolic of the effort given by one of the most amazing players in league history. Jessica. The. Freak. Hendrix.

While the Herd Women were fantastic as always, the Herd Men stepped up their game in a HUGE way on this evening. Chad "The Gazelle" Biggie continues to defy the laws of gravity, physics and mass to speed ratio's on a game by game basis and has broken out of his mid season slump in a BIG way. Chad-Dub, perhaps the worlds most complete softball player in the history of the Universe made plays on defense that simply should not be allowed. It is simply unfair to the rest of the league to have a player of the caliber of Dub on one team. Scott "Goose" Walkush, one of Herd Management's favorite all time players, was magnificent on the mound as well at the plate. Walkush had the Incented defense so confused that at one point in the game they were actually playing with 6 outfielders and relying on the instruction from the local crack seller. The one player that simply stole the show however was C-Nix. The play at short that robbed Incented's 3rd baseman of a triple would go down in history as perhaps the best single play made in softball history, if not for the fact that CNix does this on a nightly basis. Not only did Nix/Hendrix infield juggernaut stymie any attempt at an Incented rally, their bats accounted for 67% of the Herd offense on the evening.

Herd Business:

While it is indeed a ultra sad moment to know that our unbelievable journey is one week from its historic end, we must put our emotions behind us for the time being and focus on the task at hand. Herd will play either Incented or Compensated next Thursday at 7:30 for the rights to be crowned the 2009 Tar Heel League Fall World Champions. Compensated/Incented will need to win 3 games next Thursday to upset the heavily favored Herd. while the Mighty Purps will simply just need to win one. I encourage each and every one of you to round up your friends, mates, children, family and random pedestrians and encourage them to come support Herd nation Next Thursday. After we secure the world championship, we will be having an end of year Herd BASH at the home of Bryan Timmons.

We can almost see it........

***Evening Awards***

The "Shannon Craft" award for being Shannon Craft goes to Erin Haneline for her in-restroom dry off routine. You know that had to come into play at some point.

The "Redding/Haneline" award for most gut wrenching slide goes to superstar Jessica Hendrix AND Amanda Redding YET AGAIN for their slides that brought tears of joy to Herd Management, tears of agony to Incented management and Tears of Fears to Compensated. Everybody wants to rule the Herd.

The "Shane Battier" award for being in 37 places at once on defense goes to fan favorite C-Dub for his extraordinary super hero like play in the outfield. Who's yo Daddy?!?! C DUB!!!

The "Christmas Nutcracker" award goes to Amanda Redding. It was painful and beautiful rolled into one magical moment.

The "5 hour energy drink" award goes to Heather Haneline Miller for being by far the most hyped up person in the history of Herd warm-ups. WOW!! Did you sleep? DID YOU SLEEP!????!?

Random Herd Facts:
Hellen Keller's favorite color is Purple
The Herd cannot love, they can only not kill.
The Herd doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
The Herd destroyed the periodic table because they only recognize the element of surprise.
The Herd owns the greatest poker face of all time. It helped them win the 1983 World Series of poker despite holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly Card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Friday, October 2, 2009

Herd looks like a Lady

Last night:
GMAC 17 Novant 1
Incented 22 Compensated 18
Herd 6 Gmac 2

Compensated v/s Novant @ 6:30<----Loser is eliminated
Herd v/s Incented @ 7:30 on Blum Field
Winner of Compensated/Novant v/s GMAC @8:30<----Loser is eliminated

Absent Next Week:

Herd Notes:
Herd has beaten GMAC by a combined 6 runs in 3 out of the last 4 games
Herd trailed in 3 consecutive innings for the 1st time all season
Herd has held GMAC to 3 runs in 2 out of the last 3 games.

Game Notes:

I can almost see it, that dream I'm dreamin'

Thanks in large part to the always sensational Herd Woman and in Biggie Part to Chad TRIPLE ZERO White, The Herd has advanced to the winners bracket after a ridiculously hard fought win over the absurdly improved Mac's from G. On this evening, the Herd decided to leave the bats at home and break out such a high level of defensive mastery that the pure sight of the Mighty Purp Defense confused the umpire to the point of not being able to tell a man from a woman, much less what inning it actually was. Jessica, the BY GOSH FREAK OF THE INDUSTRY, turned in one of the most completely and utterly amazing defensive efforts in the illustrious history of Herd 2nd basewoman, bailing the Herd out of multiple jams throughout the evening. Not to be out done was the defensive excellence provided Chad Dud in the outfield. The diving grab in the 1st inning that saved 3 runs still has Herd Management nauseous with emotion this wonderful morning. Aaron "THE FANTASY BUT NOW ITS JUST AWKWARD" Haneline also turned in a magnificent Mia Hamm'esq effort in the outfield, getting confused due to the soccer lines and actually making a spectacular kick of a line drive back into the infield. Herd management will request NO LINES for next week's game. Haneline was then subbed in for perhaps the most intimidating outfielder in the history of all mankind, ever, AnnaManda Holland. In 6 appearances in the outfield this season, not once has she had a ball even remotely hit in her direction. While some believe that this is simply due to the massive amounts of icy/hot she cakes on her entire body on an inning by inning basis, creating an invisible force filed that deflects balls in opposite directions, it is of Herd Management's opinion that teams are just insanely afraid of embarrassing themselves by hitting anything near her. At this point in the season, Herd Administration has run out of words to describe the unadulterated excellence turned in by the 1st basewoman duo of A-Dub-Perdue and Amanda "Dierty Dancing" Redding. While Amanda does tend to forget to actually go in the game from time to time, mainly due to her alternative pregame festivity'ing, A-Dub-Perdue is there to always encourage/wake her up when it is her turn in the rotation. For this, Herd Administration applauds A-Dub for her duties on the softball field and at this point off the softball field. In an evening where the Herd left their bats at home, only mustering a measly 6 runs on the evening, the one person who did manage to bring their bat to the game was Heather Haneline Miller. Miller, the busiest person on the team, was able to find time in her hectic day to find a baby sitter for her lovely baby boy, Jackson (not to be confused with C-Jax), battle a debilitating cold, bring her bat to the game, wash her jersey, plan a weekend in Boone, all between the 2nd and 4th innings. With all that she accomplished, it is unfortunate that she will be remembered for her lack of ice cream sandwiches and not her sickening level of softball domination. While Shannon Craft did not get to see any action in the field on this blustery evening, she was able to provide a much needed calming influence on Herd Management before, during and after this hotly battled contest, assuring HM that Ashley is on her way, even though you could still sense the doubt in Crafts eyes.

On this evening, where Timmons was one of the few bright spots on offense, Christopher Nixon made several mind numbing defensive plays at short and Scott pitched yet another perfect softball game, it was the rise of the Biggie that completely stole the show. Like Britany Spears's latest album "Circuis", Biggie staved off a recent rough stretch to completely and single handily will the MIGHTY BIG PURPS to victory with his super clutch 3-3 performance which included a gazelle like romp down the first base line and subsequently down the 2nd base line. Not only did Biggie shine at the plate, but his defensive coordination and skill and grace resembled that of a precious ballerina performing in her first New York City Show. Ballerina Biggie's overall play on the evening merits accolades normally reserved for ringing in of Popes, Presidents and Middle Eastern Dictators.

Herd Business:

Now Herd, it is time to get down to business. As predicted, the Mighty Purps have advanced to the winners bracket of the 2nd round, where we will face the surprising up-and-comers from Incented. This is the exact same Incented team that handed the Big Purp its only blemish on the season and dropped 22 runs on the once formidable Compensateds. This is also the same Incented that flat out wants to prove a point against the Big Dogs of the league, the Majestic Purps from Herd. This game will take on the feel of a final four game in the NCAA tournament so please be 110% prepared to come to battle for what is being deemed as BY FAR the biggest game in the history of the Mighty Purple Herd. The Winner of this game is awarded a spot in the Championship round at 7:30 the following Thursday.

***Evening Awards***

The "Shannon Craft" award for being Shannon Craft goes to AnnaAmanda for her admitting that she is only 17 years old and still in high school. Congrats!!

The "Redding/Haneline" award for most gut wrenching slide goes to UBERSTAR Scott Walkush for his gut wrenching (literally) and morally devastating slide into 2nd to preserve the inning.

The "Dude looks like a lady" award goes to Erin Haneline. Just wow.

The "Herd Management needs to sell his Xbox 360" goes to Herd Management. Seriously. Buy this delicious goodness from me so I can eat.

Random Herd Facts:
The Herd can hit you so hard that they can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The &$@( was That?"

The Big Purps once picked a fight with a duck. The duck turned out to have several 10th degree blackbelts, and was the most formidable adversary The Herd ever faced. Funny how random the universe can be.

The Herd is believed to be an aphrodisiac in China.

The Herd makes onions CRY!!!

If a tree falls in the forest, does anybody hear? Yes. The Herd hears it. The Herd can hear everything. The HERD can hear the shrieking terror in your soul.

Thank you for your continued support of Herd Athletics,

Michael Swaim

Herd Management