Friday, April 29, 2011

Will you still Herd me, to-moooooooooorrow?

The why are they even in our league?s 16, The Artist Formerly Known as Herd 6

Official Cinco de Mayo celebration with the Herd.  All night long.
Herd vs. Groomingdale's, 6:30 WP #4
Herd vs. South Fork, 8:30 WP #4

Probably not, due to the early first game

Game Notes:  Out of respect for the royal wedding and accompanying media circus, the Herd chose last night not to pull off the upset of the millennium and fell to a group of what may or may not have been rejects of the Winston-Salem Dash.  You see, an upset of this magnitude would surely have whipped the local national worldwide news media into a frenzy that would have left Kate and William looking around uncomfortably before demanding to know where all the bloody cameras had gone.

Once again, the evening started on a high note at PGF, with an appearance by the man, the myth, the legend that is Herd Management.  While HM was able to attend, the photographer for "Take a Picture with the Herd" was a no-show, so the group was left to discuss whether or not the Monkeytail Beard is OK (this reporter says absolutely yes, it is).  Lindsey "good luck charm" Yarborough brought her usual splendidness (and fried pickle chips) to the festivities and even though her record of PGF attendance and Herd victories would be blemished, her love of Herd would not.  We hope to see you at the games next week Lindsey, and please bring David "kickball stud, maybe softball stud?" Allred with you.

The Herd jumped out to a quick and early 2 - 0 lead in the first inning after Bryan "thank you John "bailout" Spivey for catching things in the outfield since it seems like I can't anymore" Timmons got on and was quickly scored by the superb hitting we've come to expect from "Goose" Walkush and Heather "#WINNING" Miller.  The lead would be short-lived, as it would become evident when the Crew got to the plate that something was amiss.  See, what had happened was, the Crew was supposed to be going to a professional league tournament, took a wrong turn and landed in the Thursday night co-ed league.  In a desire to fill a void left by not enough hugs from Mommy in their childhoods, the Crew continued their dominance in the league by half-heartedly dismantling your beloved Herd.  Take solace, Mighty Herd, and know that you scored more runs against this team than anyone else so far this season.

After a couple quick innings, the Herd bats once again snapped to life like Herd Management at the mention of Marcy Playground.  Christopher "Skyball" Nixon showed the Crew that they weren't the only ones that could hit home runs at will as he upped his season total to 3.  Threeeee jacks, ah-ah-ah.  Jennifer "what are YOU laughing at?" Miller also got in on the fun, driving in one of the Herd's precious runs on the evening.  Biggie "Gazelle" White continued to burn up the base paths with speed normally reserved for motorized vehicles, but for the first time in recent history was shockingly gunned out at first.  Things like that don't happen against mere mortal teams, folks.  Even the solid play of Herd vets Shannon "we will miss you next week" Craft and Ashley "seriously, we will really miss you next week" Perdue were not enough on this evening to knock the Crew off of their pedestal made of top of the line softball equipment that was donated to them.

Not to be lost on this evening would be the efforts of Erin "glove, I don't need no stinking glove!" Haneline.  Erin wrote herself onto a new page of Herd history by joining the ranks of those that have chipped teeth (Doubles), been likely concussed (Herd Management), gotten black eyes (Doubles again, perhaps he needs a helmet), and bled (pretty much anyone who has ever slid).  Erin, you are the epitome of what makes the Herd, well, the Herd.  Thanks for all you do, and we're all glad everything checked out OK and are wishing you a speedy recovery.  But seriously, using a glove is perfectly acceptable next time.

Random Herd Facts:

The Herd was born in a log cabin... that it built with its bare hands.

The Herd can actually jump-start a car by simply yelling under the hood.

The Herd has its own protien powder. The ingriedients include: cocoa powder, stem cells, dodo egg protein, enriched uranium, LSD, and Vin Diesel.

When Alexander Graham Bell first invented telephone, he had 2 missed calls from the Herd.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Ah oh, mercy mercy me, Ah things ain't what they used to be, no no


Mightiest Shade of Purple 18, South Fork Electric 8


The Crew vs. Herd, 8:30, WP #3

Pregame Festivities, 5:30ish, location TBD (c'mon, all the cool kids are doin' it)

Game Notes: You see, Purps?  It's long been rumored that a strong showing at the team-building, thirst quenching, social phenomenon known as Pregame Festivities (PGF) is integral to the Herd's success.  Let last night serve as confirmation.  PGF attendance was at near record levels last night with both members AND supporters of the Herd.  Shout outs to Lindsey "Maggie Gyllenhaal" Yarborough, "Sister" Christian "Oh the time has come" Parsons, and Zack "no, sadly not Morris" for letting the Herd feel the love and discussing the finer points of, uh, dancing establishments.

Still glowing from the warmth of said festivities, the Mighty Herd descended upon Washington Park like a honey badger on a cobra, ready for the epic battle that would ensue and on this brisk evening, the Herd's bats could not be silenced.  Bryan "why, oh why did I eat that delicious chicken sandwich" Timmons led things off, was quickly moved around that bases, and scored the first run of the evening after a clutch hit by Christopher "do your best and forget the rest" Nixon.  And while one run wouldn't seal the deal, there was no looking back as the Herd would not relinquish the lead for the duration of the evening.

After their season-long hiatus, the Herd bats were wide awake and continued their assault on South Fork throughout the night.  Shannon Craft Award's consistency at the plate is at such a high level as to draw comparisons to the tides, moon AND stars, all rolled into a tidy, fear-inducing package.  Ashley "is that doubles nickname still available?" Perdue had what some might consider the best night of her long and storied career.  While not confirmed, it is believed that her base hit that tucked inches inside the first baseline induced a single tear to fall from Herd Management's eye.  It was likely in that moment that, even though far away, HM knew the outcome of the game.  And let's not even begin to talk about Scott "let me just hold onto my hat while I leg out another in the park homer" Walkush.  Well done, sir.

Last night's battle was truly a team win, and brilliance on this evening was not limited to the bats.  J-Mil's hunger for a hit was satisfied, but it was her play in the infield that was truly remarkable.  No less than 17* double plays were turned before the game was done (*This number has not been independently verified).  In his Herd debut, James "I'm the new guy" Haire came off the bench to provide a spark on par with that static electricity shock you get after shuffling your sock feet all the way across the room before you touch the doorknob (you know exactly what I'm talkin' about).  John "I'm not the new guy anymore!" Spivey flashed both leather and the brute force we've come to love in the outfield, and Biggie/Trip Zs/Gazelle White crafted the winning lineup AND speared a laser beam at third base in a move that screamed, "not in our house, not tonight".  Fantasy Haneline brought in the Herd's newest recruit but didn't stop there, as she made a sparkling catch in left that left the South Fork bench slack-jawed.  Even Amanda "Kriss Kross will make you Jump! Jump!" Redding got into the action behind the plate by snatching a pop foul out of the air like a small child would snatch a Tickle-Me-Elmo off the shelf at your local Wal-Mart (that's still a thing, right?).

It would be easy for a lesser team to rest on their laurels after a game like this, but not the Herd.  Mental and physical preparations have already begun for next week's showdown with the mega-stacked and well-equipped Crew.  No one wash their game uniforms or bathe, and everyone from PGF please plan to attend again next week.  Please also sit in the same seat and order the same delicious treats (we'll need all the help we can get from whatever superstitions may linger in the Thursday league).

The Shannon Craft Award for being Shannon Craft award goes to...Ashley Perdue!  You may indeed take ownership of "Doubles".

The Redding/Haneline award for most gut-wrenching slide goes to...John Spivey!  Whether intentional or due to equipment malfunction, your tireless work in the outfield is a thing of beauty.

The Herd Management's Sabbatical Spirit award goes to...Chad White!  Your willingness to step in, manage the lineup and foster the must-win attitude of the Herd is truly remarkable.

Random Herd Facts:
The Herd CAN read Lady Gaga's P-P-P-Poker Face

Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into the Herd while it was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.

The Herd uses the Shake Weight. No one dares to laugh.

The Herd can get breakfast at McDonalds after 11.  At Taco Bell.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Father Father Father help us, Send some guidance from above, Cause people got me got me questioning, Where is the Herd?


Def Leopard 19, Purps 9


South Fork vs. Herd, 8:30, WP #2

Pregame Festivities, 5:30ish, location TBD (but you should plan to come)

Game Notes: World hunger.  Donald Trump's hairstyle.  The popularity of Rebecca Black.  Back to back Herd losses at the hands of team named for an 80s hair band.  What are "Inexplicable catastrophes of 2011" for $200, Alex?  A night that began triumphantly with a new pregame festivity record for percentage of attendees employed by the same company (100%), ended on a more somber note after the Mighty Purple Herd fell to some other team 19 - 9.

In what would be a harbinger of things to come, the game started off with "Doubles" Timmons being shackled to first base.  No confirmation as of press time if this season's plate performance has Doubles filing the necessary paperwork for a name change (does Pop-out have the same ring?).  The Herd's bats were slow to wake up this evening, but in a shocking turn of events, the opposing pitcher decided to (gasp!) pitch to Christopher "you can put those balls from last week on my tab (twss)" Nixon.  In typical MVP fashion, C-Nix batted the ball around like an annoying fly at a BBQ all night.

After missing last week's action, Jennifer "Monica Seles has nothing on my battle swing yell" Miller was back in the lineup.  In what can only be described as untimely gusts of wind or voodoo curse, two surefire extra base hits were pushed just foul, leaving the Herd bench mystified and the Motlee Crew feeling relief typically only offered by a double dose of Kaopectate.  Biggie "Don't waste your time trying to throw me out at first" White helped spark the Herd to life when he not only legged out a textbook single, but stretched it into extra bases.  Ashley "The Staredown" Perdue continued her onslaught of every record known to Herdkind by not only fighting off the blinding sun at first base, but delivering hit after glorious hit.

Amanda "prodigal son (daughter)" Redding didn't let a little parking snafu dampen her spirits and once again brought the spark that was desperately missing from the fall.  Herd newcomer John "get in my belly, ball" Spivey showed prowess at the plate and taught everyone on both teams that you need not field the ball with your glove when, in fact, tackling it is equally as effective (and much more fun to watch).  The hustle and will to win of Shannon Craft Award continues to inspire men, women and even unborn children to reach for the stars, and can be summed up in one word.  Awesomesauce.

While under the gun and approaching a loss by Herd, er, mercy rule, the team needed to look no further than Scott "I like the grand salami" Walkush.  You might think mowing through their batters like the clover patch in my backyard would be enough.  Not for Goose.  Another game, another in the park grand slam for the Herd's mental, spiritual and physical leader.  Also hot at the plate was Fantasy Haneline, who put on a brilliant display of multi-sport talent by kicking a batted ball with form that Pele could only describe as legend-(wait for it)-dary.  Not to be outdone, Ice Cream Miller gave the 122.487% that everyone has come to expect/appreciate/admire both in the field and on the scorebook.

Perhaps the most devastating blow the Herd would suffer all night came before the game even started.  Herd Management, your witty banter, Wooooooo!'s, and Herd Report writing skills were sorely missed.  Please, oh, please come back to us.

The Herd will look to right the ship next week at 8:30 vs. South Fork Electric.  Plenty of time for strategery at PGF to commence at 5:30ish.

Random Herd Facts:

The Herd can text on a payphone.

Fear of spiders is called arachnophobia, fear of tight spaces is called claustrophobia, fear of the Herd is called Logic.

The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs The Herd.  The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.

The Herd has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Hangin' Round, downtown by myself and I had so much time to sit and think about the Herd and then there they were


Poison, Scorpions, Guns N Roses 18. Herd 9

Next Week:

Winger v/s Herd 6:30 Washington #1

Pregame Festivities: Kernel Custard 5:15

Game Notes:
 On a night that was witness to two of the most heart wrenching betrayals in Herd History, one by the Godfather Andy Fansler and the other by the Herd Management's former Pregame Festivity Friends, the Mighty Purple Herd was unable to overcome an early deficit to overtake a mediocre 80’s hair band Thursday night on storied Washington Park 4, losing by a final score of 18-9.

Even though the night began with an initial pregame setback when some of the most elite Herd athletes ever showed their disdain for one of the great American Staples in music history, the Herd did show tremendous heart battling back from an early 9 run hole. Led by Marcy Playground hater Heather “Lil Joe” Miller, the Herd put on a furious rally in the 5th inning behind her 3 for 3 evening. Joining Heather in her hatred for great music was her Sister, the Fantasy Haneline. Fantasy, sporting a new no fried foods mentality, was already in mid season form, blasting the Motlee Crue pitcher for a clutch base hit that drove in 2 runs in the 6th inning.

Despite giving up an atrocious amount of runs, the Mighty Pup did show flashes of brilliance in the field. Brilliance that can only be compared to Marcy Playgrounds 2nd effort Shapeshifter that put out timeless hits such as Rebel Sodville, America and Love Bug. The Herd’s love bug, Ashley Perdue was the leader of that defensive brilliance, flashing more leather than something that tends to flash a lot of leather. Legend’s partner in crime, our very own Triple Zero Biggie Gazelle was also a defensive wiz last night, racing off the mound like legendary NASCAR driver Denny Hamlin to spear the slow grounder and throw out several weak attempts by the Crue.

Marcy Playgrounds finest album, self-titled “Marcy Playground” sported numerous number one hits such as Cloak of Elvenkind, Vampires of New York and Opium, but not even this album could match the effort of our self-titled award winner, Shannon Craft. Craft Award continues her years of steady play mixed in with some pizzazz and flash that goes unrivaled.

Our automatic double machine and proud father to be, Doubles Timmons continued his almost obscene onslaught on the world doubles history books YET AGAIN doubled in a run in a crucial 5th inning rally. Herd management refuses to add more to this report about Timmons’ accomplishments due to his outright refusal to defend Herd Managements musical interests during pre game festivities.

Very reminiscent of Marcy Playgrounds latest album titled “Leaving Wonderland in a Fit of Rage”, the Herd latest superstar is titled Big John Hits with Rage. Rookie John stepped onto the field as a blossoming young boy, but left the field a raging hit machine. The future is indeed bright for this Silk Road Stud.

Herd Management cannot even begin to put into words the appreciation and outright relief, both mentally and emotionally the return of the Herd Spark Plug Amanda Redding. Having Redding on the team makes the heart wrenching losses bearable. Herd Management would like to encourage Redding to stop trying to make a better future for herself and never leave the Herd again. Ever.

Despite the loss, Herd history was made on this opening day. Herd Uber Star, Chris Nix-on Candy Yeah set a Herd record for being intentionally walked the most times in one season. In a display of outright cowardness, the Crew Pitcher sent the Herd Superstar to 2nd base instead of giving up a third pants wetting home run from this mighty slugger.

The Mighty Herd will look to even the season series with the Crew next week at 6:30. The Herd will welcome back two of the most storied players in Herd History, Goose and J-Mill.

Random Herd Facts:

The Herd’s account at was terminated. There is no match for The Herd.

Bullies stuff Nerds into lockers. The Herd stuffs Bullies into Nerds.

Ghosts sit around the campfire and tell Herd stories.

There used to be a street named after The Herd, but it was changed because nobody crosses The Herd and lives.