Friday, June 15, 2012

I Just Herd You, So Call Me, Maybe?

Herd: ???, Flex: Less than ???
Everyone else: Does. Not. Matter.

Sniff, sniff.  Someone hold me.

Let's get this out of the way first.  Go watch this infectiously catchy little ditty.  OK, you're done.  And you're smiling, right?  Now commence reading of your last Herd Report of the year.

Where do you even start to recap an evening like last night?  Just when you thought PGF was done for the year, a last minute flurry of emails (OK, it was 2) pulled together the heart of PGF for one last hurrah.  While game strategy was discussed, the Herd also learned of what should likely be the official drink of Purple.  While the name of this particular drink cannot be typed here, it sounded delightfully intoxicating.

The game itself didn't disappoint.  Which is a good thing seeing as how Herd attendance records were shattered last night by the Pack the Stands with Purple campaign.  Did we have fans?  Yes.  Celebrity doppelgangers?  Hi there, Maggie Gyllenhaal.  Dogs?  Uh-huh.  2nd generation Herd Superstars?  Yep, those too.  And let's not forget about Legend's Mom.  In. The. House.

Strong work was done on both sides of the ball on this evening built for softball.  Herd MVP fill-in Rhonda "Please join us again in the spring" flashed a golden glove and smacked the ball like that unlucky cousin who gets stuck with the fly swatter at the family BBQ.  Shannon "Dyson is better than Rainbow AND Hoover combined" Craft sucked up balls in the outfield with aplomb in addition to the phenomenal hitting we've come to require from her.  Also playing like the consummate professional was Heather "Dun-dun-dun Da-da-dun-dun" Miller, who finished out her attack on this season like it was powered by bath salts (but seriously, Herd, lets stay away from those in the off season, mmmkay?  #nozombieapocalypse).  She and Ice also made up the female contingent of Postgame festivities at Las Estrellas, raising the attractiveness of the bunch tenfold.

The Herd really came up big all night.  Chad "Biggie" White held down the hot corner and with his glove and arm said "No soup for you" to Flex on multiple occasions.  Christopher "Freak" Nixon, after noticing that Flow was watching, decided to smoke the ball, but kept in the park.  You know, to throw them off the scent of our loaded Orange Crush.  Bryan "Temporarily Homer" Timmons, on the other hand, celebrated the 6th anniversary of barely hitting a home run over the shortest part of the smallest field by...barely hitting a home run over the shortest part of the smallest field!  I don't care, I'll take it!  Not to be outdone, Hollywood John "Eso es lo que ella dice" Spivey finished out the season like every other game this year, by stroking a long ball deep over the wall.  That's what she said indeed, sir.

Scott "Freddie Mercury" Walkush not only accounted for the majority of Herd fans, but also fanned multiple batters, killed the ball, and showed the hustle we all adore while chasing down a foul ball.  He WILL rock you.  And speaking of hustle, look no further than Rose "Charlie Hustle" Ketner.  While she didn't slide headfirst into any bases, she did a couple nice pirouettes out there that would have made Natalie Portman proud.  Erin "Fantasy" Haneline hit the ball better, harder, faster, stronger than Kanye West ever could dream.  And she EH'd and played every position on the field.  Twice.  Mike "I run marathons now and no longer need to focus on batting" Swaim kept a questionable score book that may or may not have extended the game beyond the mercy rule.  No, Coach, none of us really wanted it to end.

Who are we forgetting?  Someone unforgettable.  I recall Ashley "Legend/Brett Favre" Perdue retiring once before.  And I also recall amazing things from her in her swan song game, and last night was no different.  To say that she used her bat like Picasso used a brush would be a good analogy, painting the field with beautifully placed hits to all corners of the diamond.  Ashley, if you do in fact re-retire, we will miss you greatly.  No kidding around about that.


The Shannon Craft Award for being Shannon Craft award goes to...Ashley Flippin' Perdue.  The Legend.  'Nuff said.

The Redding/Haneline award for most gut-wrenching slide goes to...Rose Ketner!  Why slide when you can hop, skip, and jump into the bag?

The Herd Management's Spirit award goes to...The Bleachers!  Moms, wives, babies, dogs, co-workers, friends.  Oh My!

Random Herd Facts:

The Herd watched the first steps on the moon...From his summer home on Mars.

The Herd visits an active volcano every morning to get some of "the best damn espresso on Earth".

Harry Potter needs 8 movies to seek and destroy Voldemort. The Herd needs 4 seconds.

The Herd once allowed himself to be bitten by a werewolf. He actually finds full moons quite soothing.

Arnold Schwarzenegger always says he'll be back, but the Herd always handles things the first time.

Friday, June 8, 2012

(Loaded) Bats? We don't need no stinkin' (loaded) bats.

Herd 21, Flow 5
Everyone else: Who cares, we won!  Woohoo!

6:30 vs. Flex on WP #3
Pregame Festivities: Done for the season, aren't you sad you missed out last night?


In its long and storied history, many things have been said of the Herd.
"Are you from the Dash?"
"Can I pleeeeeeeaaaaase try out for the team?"
"Can I get a picture and an autograph?"
"Oh no, do we have to play the Herd again?"
"This team will be an easy win."

Not until last night, in the "good game" line no less, has the Herd heard cries of loaded bat.  Cheater.  Very attractive and young-looking team (at least 2 of those happened).  That's right, the same Herd that has a) been mercy ruled in all but 2 3 games this season, and b) used the same old bats for approximately 5 seasons, have stooped to the level of trickery and bat shaving to get ahead at the end of a lost season.  Maybe steroids too.  And while we're being honest, I've been wearing those heelie roller skate shoes to track down balls in the outfield.  That sounds about right, right?  How could the Herd go from zero to giant cheating hero in a mere week?  Let's take a look.

In an inauspicious start, PGF attendance set a new record low.  Really, I felt the need to mention that, but don't want to talk about it.  It just hurts too bad.  Maybe, just maybe, PGF can return to its glory days in the spring?  The game started like most games have this season.  The Herd batted a few, didn't score, and gave up a few runs to start in a hole.  Uh oh.  But then something happened.  Something awesome.  The Herd played ball.  The Herd batted around.  The Herd scored 21 runs.  We locked up the defensive end, anchored by brilliant pitching, hitting and chants of "get it in! get it in!" by Scott "the Goose was totally loose, for real" Walkush.  Fueled by the soundtrack to Rock of Ages, Bryan "Micheal Duble" Timmons waited for a while to get on base.  This blast of amazingly awesome hair band music would not translate to immediate success in the game and Doubles/Duble got out a lot before finally finding some solid base hits after some coaching from Rose "Ket" Kettner and some great sign-calling from Ashley "Legen...wait for it...dary" Perdue.

Biggie "Trip Zs/Gazelle" White not only shook up the lineup while serving duties of Herd Management, but hit the ball brilliantly.  And watching the grace and pure power of the Gazelle legging out a triple brings tears to the eyes of most mortal men and women.  Glorious.  Heather "Ice" Miller shook off some pregame goosebumps as well as a long string of great hits to the wrong spots to return to her normal form, crushing the ball and (oh-oh-oh-OH-oh) hangin' tough in LF.  John "Sparkles" Spivey continues his assault on the ball and extended his home run streak to 72 games.  Shannon Craft Award secured her namesake award for being Shannon Craft, not only hitting the ball well, but also running bases hard in front of Duble.

Christopher "Freak" Nixon barely escaped a streak through the quad to the gymnasium at PGF, only to show up to the game, field and hit better than all of Flow AND provide that juiced bat that made us awesome again.  And who are we forgetting?  Oh yeah.  Help Me, Rhonda (bow, bow, bow, bow) stepped in to fill the void left by DTKB and Fantasy admirably.  Anchoring 2B, joining the Herd hit parade, and sweating excellence (as is required by Herd bylaws).  Rhonda, we're a superstitious bunch, so we're gonna go ahead and need you to play next week, mmmmmkay?  And Herd, remember - no one washes any of yesterday's game attire before next week's swan song.


The Shannon Craft Award for being Shannon Craft award goes to...Our beloved Orange Bat that shall now and forevermore be known as the Differencemaker (or something better that you think up).

The Redding/Haneline award for most gut-wrenching slide goes to...John Spivey!  You say blooper duck snort of a base hit, Sparkles says no ma'am.

The Herd Management's Spirit award goes to...Herd Managment!  We missed you.  So much.  But it felt like you were right there, giving too-hard high fives and back pats.  I hope you bet it all on Purple in the casinos last night.

The Whatchu talkin' bout, Willis? award goes to...Christopher Nixon!  The Herd thanks you for doing what we all wanted to do post game - call out that team for calling us out as cheaters.

Random Herd Facts:

The Herd can tap dance in flip-flops.

Fast food restaurants were created so that people could eat while running from the Herd.

The Herd's rice krispies don't say crap until he tells them to.

The Herd shot the sheriff, but he did not shoot the deputy. He roundhouse kicked him in the face instead.

Friday, May 11, 2012

Herd's a Champion

Herd 15, Flex 5
Everyone else: Who cares, we won!  Woohoo!

7:30 vs. Lit'l Ms Tidy on WP #4
Pregame Festivities: YES! Location: TBD

Bueller?  Bueller???

In the timeless words of the 2 Skinnee J's,

Pass the baton to the next and run along
Try a mile in my shoes
and get used
to the phenomenon
On and on like a triathalon
Step to podium, whose the real champion

You're a Champion
You're a Champion
You're a Champion
You're a Champion

Yes, Herd.  We are, indeed, champions for at LEAST 6 more days.  On a crisp spring evening, the excitement of celebrity stalking, pregame samplers, and iPhone DJ Chad "Biggie Gazelle" White all grew into a crescendo of energy that delivered the mighty Purps to victory for the first time in this now half-done Spring season.  It tasted nice, didn't it?  Like a grilled pimento cheese sandwich (or was that just my indigestion?).

The game started, well, way better than the 7 - 10 run hole we normally start in.  The battery of Goose and Ket (and the best umpire of all time) would prove to be unstoppable, as Rose charmed batters into complacency and the General racked up a league-leading 2 strikeouts.  The momentum of solid play in the field would urge the Herd bats out of their normal early game slumber, as the Purps would tally 4 (or so) runs in the first inning alone.  Inspired again by the blistering bat (and diving acrobatics in LCF) of John "Sparkles" Spivey, who's home run streak grew another game, the rest of the Herd would follow suit.

Erin "Fantasy" Haneline?  17 RBIs
Heather "Ice" Miller? A walkoff slapshot down the first baseline that would have made Wayne Gretzky jealous.
Christopher "Freak" Nixon? You didn't split any balls this evening.  Shame on you.

After grabbing the lead, the Herd would hold on tight, anchored by solid play at 2B by Downtown Kyle Brown and Ashley "Legend/Scoop/Excellence" Purdue at 1B.  After first injuring his esophagus, then wrist, THEN ankle, Bryan "Doubles" Timmons finally got some relief from Herd Management who promptly came in and smacked the yellow off the ball.  Then ran laps around the field as if to say, "I'm running a marathon in November, can you sponsor me?".

As with all great victories, this was a team effort.  Let's ride the wave and pull off the giant upset next week to start the second half of the season, mmmmkay Herd?


The Shannon Craft Award for being Shannon Craft award goes to...Shannon Craft!  She wasn't even at the game, she's just that good.

The Redding/Haneline award for most gut-wrenching slide goes to...Erin Haneline!  You're grace, dignity and willingness to play in the dirt never ceases to amaze.

The Herd Management's Spirit award goes to...Herd Managment!  See what happens when you come in?  We win.  Thanks for not making us beg you to play.  Go ahead and plan on starting next week.

Random Herd Facts:

The Herd rejects your reality and substitutes it with its fist.

The Herd once won a staredown contest blindfolded..... over the phone, without even dialing a number.

Mick Jagger has the Moves like Herd.

When the Herd says 'Candyman' five times in a row, no one appears. Candyman ain't dumb.

Friday, May 4, 2012

Like Sands through an hourglass, so are the days of our Herd


Herd 6 Flow 17

Next Week: 

Absent Next Week:?

On the Edge of Glory:
 time since 2007 that the Mighty Purple Herd has begun a season 0-3.
The Herd is 0-3 this year when scoring fewer runs than their opponent.

Game Notes:

Dyson Vacuum’s.  Wake Forest Basketball.  No TP after Mexican.  A life without ever experiencing the entire Marcy Playground library.  These things all suck.  Hard.  Nothing however can compare to the complete suckocity of being in last place after 4 weeks of the Spring Season.  As has always been the case with the Herd, this team’s heart runs far deeper than wins and loses.  Its personalities such as Shannon Craft Award and her steady, consistent demeanor that  matches her talent at the plate.  Her bat, always solid, was limited by the superhuman machine at shortstop on this evening. 
One of the most pleasant surprises of this early season is the play of Rose “Ket” Ketner.  Ket has improved by leaps and bounds from her days as the dictator of the dastardly Compensateds.  If the improvement continues at this pace, she will be on the course for legen…wait for it…dary status.
“Downtown” Kyle Brown turned in one of the most magnificent efforts at 2nd base in many moons last night, despite playing on one knee.  It was not only the complete control of 2nd base that was impressive, but her ability to shrug off the completely stoned kid walking to the car was nothing short of amazing.  Yes kid, I did hit a home run over the dog fence and into a dogs face.  The dog was fine.  You sir, are not.
There is nothing that warms the heart and mind more than the pure domination of 1st base by the Legend, Ashley Perdue.  AP continues to be robbed of base hits by superhuman machine shortstops, however her play at first is nothing short of dazzling.  People in the stands were actually referring to her as the Backho because she was digging everything out of the dirt.  I’m not sure how to spell backho, but a backho is a piece of machinery that digs stuff.
There simply is not a woman in the league at this current moment in time that is hitting the ball harder and with more force that Heather “Ice” Miller.  The only thing stopping Ice from batting in the upper 800’s this season is superhuman machine shortstops.  Ice has already accomplished the Herd trinity of positions, playing 3 different positions in 3 games this season.  Some may chalk this up to poor management, and they would be right, but others would put this in the category of tremendous versatility.

Fantasy Report:

Due to the fact that Fantasy called out Herd Management for being lazy a few weeks ago (rightly so), she has earned her own section of the Herd report.  Fantasy has become so dominate in the outfield that teams are intentionally hitting the ball in the opposite direction.  Fantasy has become the Dikembe Mutombo of the outfield at this point.

At this point there are no objectives that exist in the human language that can properly give Scott “Goose” Walkush the respect and admiration that he deserves.  Has anyone ever given more to anything than Goose does the Herd?  The only things that come to mind that would be comparable are the musical gifts that LMFAO has given to the world over the last few years.  That said, I’ve never seen LMFAO lose their voice screaming at players to run it out to 1st base.

Speaking of running it out, as was evident last night, there is no more perfectly beautiful creature running the bases that our very own Biggie Trip Z Gazelle.  Trip turned at least 3 singles into doubles last night, despite playing against a superhuman machine robot at shortstop.  Sunsets at the beach and Gazelle rounding 1st base are truly the 2 most remarkable spectacles ever crated.

Flow wasnt the only team on this evening to sport a superhuman machine robot at shortstop.  The Mighty BY GOSH FRIKIN I DON’T CARE WHAT OUR RECORD IS WE STILL ROCK YOUR FACE OFF Purple Herd sport their very own super human machine robot at shortstop, and our doesn’t have the personality of a dead oak tree.  Freak Nix brings the freak every single night and makes plays at short that Jose’ “you suck” Reyes can only dream of.  I’m not ashamed to admit that I love Freak Nix…and you should too.

While for the most part the Herd bats have been stagnant all year long.  That can NOT be said for our defiant Sparkles.  Despite giving Flow 3 runs by allowing the inept Herd Management to play RC instead of him, in turn allowing an embarrassing ground ball to graze the right daddy part of said HM, Sparkles continues to be the biggest offensive contributor on the team.  If he isn’t crushing the rear window of station wagons sitting 40 yards behind center field, he is burning left fielders with scorching rockets sent flying through the humid night.

Herd Management hasn’t had an official opportunity to express his utmost greatfullness in having Doubles back on the roster full time. Doubles brings not only a very high level of ability to the team, he also brings a very high level attendance to the required yet not attended pre game festivities.  He is also doing this:  Timmons Rules! Click Here to see why and how

Herd Management was overcome with emotion upon seeing the PGF attendees yesterevening.  David Allred and Maggie “Candy” Ghyllenhaul are two of the most dedicated and tremendous Herd Athletic Supporters.  It is truly the case that without these two fine individuals that the entire Herd Enterprise would not continue to exist.  I can not, nor do I want to envision a world in which Allred and Ghyllenhaul are not a part of the Herd Nation. 

The Shannon Craft award for Being Shannon Craft goes to Biggie.  Biggie has never won this award, however he was so Shannon Craft last night.  So so Shannon Craft.

The “Herd Pride” award goes to Downtown Kyle Brown.  Downtown’s constant infield chatter made it increasingly difficult for Flow to score their hard earned 14 runs and easier earned 3 runs due to the embarrassing faux pas
 by HM in RC.

The Haneline Miller Slide award goes to Freak Nix!  My heart melts everytime we try to break up a double play.

Random Herd Factoids:
As a toddler, the Herd taught others to walk.
At a bookstore, others crowd around the Herd just to watch them read.
If a monument were built in the Herd honor, Mt. Rushmore would close due to poor attendance.
The Herd’s cereal NEVER gets soggy.  It just sits there, staying crispy.
The Herd can speak French, in Russian

Friday, March 23, 2012

Herd Wins, Holy Cow!

Not long ago, a wise man actor playing a wise borderline alcoholic sports commentator posed a serious question:

"Hey! If you were a hot dog...and you were starving, would you eat yourself?"  I know I would.  I'd smother myself in brown mustard and relish.  I'd be delicious.  What, my gentle Herd, does this have to do with last night's faux game?  I'm not really sure, honestly, but I am kind of hungry.

Last night the Mighty Herd once again whipped itself into a game-like frenzy to take on our friends at Tee Time.  Not since, well, ever has there been so much excitement around a game that counted for nothing but bragging rights, than there was last night on WP#4.  Since there was no official score keeper, I claim that we won by 37.

Led as always by Herd "I'm Half the Man I Used to be #loseit" Management, the Purps took to the field first to flash a little leather, and recorded a record 22 outs.  In one inning!  In perhaps the most exciting play of the young preseason, John "Sparkles, no wait, is it Flipper, no it's still Sparkles" Spivey made a catch that could only be described as eh-eh, eh-eh.eheheheh-tastic (ask Sparkles to translate that from dolphin to English).  Bryan "new aerodynamic face" Timmons ran down fly balls all over left center field and even caught a couple of them.  Oops.  Tomika "Sweet T" Fuller gave 162% effort at first base laying out and nearly making a play on a foul ball that rivaled that other purple team in town.  Seriously Tomika, you've already made the team, save some of that greatness for the regular season.

On the other side of the ball, the Herd put on a series of free clinics!

  • How to gracefully drop a bat in place after smashing the ball (101): Fantasy
  • How to hit the snot out of a softball (202): C-Nix
  • How to burn the opposing defense with unadulterated power (Seminar): SCA and Ice
  • Deceptive baserunning (PE): Biggie
  • Simply being awesome at life: Hep Cat Ketner and Goose
Next week, the Herd will again simulate battle with former dreaded rivals Compensated.  Be there!

Random Herd Facts:
The Herd is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for its bat and throwing arm.

The Herd won The Voice using only sign language

The Herd has a bear rug in its room. The bear isn't dead it is just afraid to move.

The Herd walked right into Area 51, bought a Snapple, and walked out. No one dared to move.

Monday, March 19, 2012

I can almost see it.....

After many years running a parallel race through the laurels of Wi Sa softball history, the two greatest heavyweights in Co Rec Softball history will collide this Thursday at 5:45 when Tuesday’s finest, The Tee Time’s will square off against our very own Mighty Purple Herd in one of the most anticipated scrimmages in the history of sport!!

Also, please mark your calendars for Thursday, March 30th when the Herd will finally,, face off against arch rival COMPENSATEDS for the 1st time in 3 years. Words can not even begin to describe the anticipation for this game that is pulsating through my purple veins at this very moment.

I urge you to make every effort possible to attend these two scrimmages and come in with an open heart and open mind to exploring new opportunities within this organization.

Thank you for your continued support of Herd Athletics!

Monday, March 12, 2012

Practice Makes Purple

Good Monday Purps!
Reminder: We will have practice session #2 THIS tHERDsday at 5:45 over at WP 4. As mentioned earlier, I have arranged for us to have about an extra hour or so of daylight. C-Nix, you’re up.

Also of note, Herd Management and Compensated Management are tentatively planning to do some pre season running somewhere in downtown Wi Sa this Tuesday around 4:45 if anyone is interested in joining in.

Thank you for your continued support of Herd Athletics!

Michael Swaim | Herd Administration
Twitter: GoHerd15
Facebook Fan Page: Purple Herd
PayPal: GoHerd15