Friday, June 15, 2012

I Just Herd You, So Call Me, Maybe?

Herd: ???, Flex: Less than ???
Everyone else: Does. Not. Matter.

Sniff, sniff.  Someone hold me.

Let's get this out of the way first.  Go watch this infectiously catchy little ditty.  OK, you're done.  And you're smiling, right?  Now commence reading of your last Herd Report of the year.

Where do you even start to recap an evening like last night?  Just when you thought PGF was done for the year, a last minute flurry of emails (OK, it was 2) pulled together the heart of PGF for one last hurrah.  While game strategy was discussed, the Herd also learned of what should likely be the official drink of Purple.  While the name of this particular drink cannot be typed here, it sounded delightfully intoxicating.

The game itself didn't disappoint.  Which is a good thing seeing as how Herd attendance records were shattered last night by the Pack the Stands with Purple campaign.  Did we have fans?  Yes.  Celebrity doppelgangers?  Hi there, Maggie Gyllenhaal.  Dogs?  Uh-huh.  2nd generation Herd Superstars?  Yep, those too.  And let's not forget about Legend's Mom.  In. The. House.

Strong work was done on both sides of the ball on this evening built for softball.  Herd MVP fill-in Rhonda "Please join us again in the spring" flashed a golden glove and smacked the ball like that unlucky cousin who gets stuck with the fly swatter at the family BBQ.  Shannon "Dyson is better than Rainbow AND Hoover combined" Craft sucked up balls in the outfield with aplomb in addition to the phenomenal hitting we've come to require from her.  Also playing like the consummate professional was Heather "Dun-dun-dun Da-da-dun-dun" Miller, who finished out her attack on this season like it was powered by bath salts (but seriously, Herd, lets stay away from those in the off season, mmmkay?  #nozombieapocalypse).  She and Ice also made up the female contingent of Postgame festivities at Las Estrellas, raising the attractiveness of the bunch tenfold.

The Herd really came up big all night.  Chad "Biggie" White held down the hot corner and with his glove and arm said "No soup for you" to Flex on multiple occasions.  Christopher "Freak" Nixon, after noticing that Flow was watching, decided to smoke the ball, but kept in the park.  You know, to throw them off the scent of our loaded Orange Crush.  Bryan "Temporarily Homer" Timmons, on the other hand, celebrated the 6th anniversary of barely hitting a home run over the shortest part of the smallest field by...barely hitting a home run over the shortest part of the smallest field!  I don't care, I'll take it!  Not to be outdone, Hollywood John "Eso es lo que ella dice" Spivey finished out the season like every other game this year, by stroking a long ball deep over the wall.  That's what she said indeed, sir.

Scott "Freddie Mercury" Walkush not only accounted for the majority of Herd fans, but also fanned multiple batters, killed the ball, and showed the hustle we all adore while chasing down a foul ball.  He WILL rock you.  And speaking of hustle, look no further than Rose "Charlie Hustle" Ketner.  While she didn't slide headfirst into any bases, she did a couple nice pirouettes out there that would have made Natalie Portman proud.  Erin "Fantasy" Haneline hit the ball better, harder, faster, stronger than Kanye West ever could dream.  And she EH'd and played every position on the field.  Twice.  Mike "I run marathons now and no longer need to focus on batting" Swaim kept a questionable score book that may or may not have extended the game beyond the mercy rule.  No, Coach, none of us really wanted it to end.

Who are we forgetting?  Someone unforgettable.  I recall Ashley "Legend/Brett Favre" Perdue retiring once before.  And I also recall amazing things from her in her swan song game, and last night was no different.  To say that she used her bat like Picasso used a brush would be a good analogy, painting the field with beautifully placed hits to all corners of the diamond.  Ashley, if you do in fact re-retire, we will miss you greatly.  No kidding around about that.


The Shannon Craft Award for being Shannon Craft award goes to...Ashley Flippin' Perdue.  The Legend.  'Nuff said.

The Redding/Haneline award for most gut-wrenching slide goes to...Rose Ketner!  Why slide when you can hop, skip, and jump into the bag?

The Herd Management's Spirit award goes to...The Bleachers!  Moms, wives, babies, dogs, co-workers, friends.  Oh My!

Random Herd Facts:

The Herd watched the first steps on the moon...From his summer home on Mars.

The Herd visits an active volcano every morning to get some of "the best damn espresso on Earth".

Harry Potter needs 8 movies to seek and destroy Voldemort. The Herd needs 4 seconds.

The Herd once allowed himself to be bitten by a werewolf. He actually finds full moons quite soothing.

Arnold Schwarzenegger always says he'll be back, but the Herd always handles things the first time.

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