Friday, June 15, 2012

I Just Herd You, So Call Me, Maybe?

Herd: ???, Flex: Less than ???
Everyone else: Does. Not. Matter.

Sniff, sniff.  Someone hold me.

Let's get this out of the way first.  Go watch this infectiously catchy little ditty.  OK, you're done.  And you're smiling, right?  Now commence reading of your last Herd Report of the year.

Where do you even start to recap an evening like last night?  Just when you thought PGF was done for the year, a last minute flurry of emails (OK, it was 2) pulled together the heart of PGF for one last hurrah.  While game strategy was discussed, the Herd also learned of what should likely be the official drink of Purple.  While the name of this particular drink cannot be typed here, it sounded delightfully intoxicating.

The game itself didn't disappoint.  Which is a good thing seeing as how Herd attendance records were shattered last night by the Pack the Stands with Purple campaign.  Did we have fans?  Yes.  Celebrity doppelgangers?  Hi there, Maggie Gyllenhaal.  Dogs?  Uh-huh.  2nd generation Herd Superstars?  Yep, those too.  And let's not forget about Legend's Mom.  In. The. House.

Strong work was done on both sides of the ball on this evening built for softball.  Herd MVP fill-in Rhonda "Please join us again in the spring" flashed a golden glove and smacked the ball like that unlucky cousin who gets stuck with the fly swatter at the family BBQ.  Shannon "Dyson is better than Rainbow AND Hoover combined" Craft sucked up balls in the outfield with aplomb in addition to the phenomenal hitting we've come to require from her.  Also playing like the consummate professional was Heather "Dun-dun-dun Da-da-dun-dun" Miller, who finished out her attack on this season like it was powered by bath salts (but seriously, Herd, lets stay away from those in the off season, mmmkay?  #nozombieapocalypse).  She and Ice also made up the female contingent of Postgame festivities at Las Estrellas, raising the attractiveness of the bunch tenfold.

The Herd really came up big all night.  Chad "Biggie" White held down the hot corner and with his glove and arm said "No soup for you" to Flex on multiple occasions.  Christopher "Freak" Nixon, after noticing that Flow was watching, decided to smoke the ball, but kept in the park.  You know, to throw them off the scent of our loaded Orange Crush.  Bryan "Temporarily Homer" Timmons, on the other hand, celebrated the 6th anniversary of barely hitting a home run over the shortest part of the smallest field by...barely hitting a home run over the shortest part of the smallest field!  I don't care, I'll take it!  Not to be outdone, Hollywood John "Eso es lo que ella dice" Spivey finished out the season like every other game this year, by stroking a long ball deep over the wall.  That's what she said indeed, sir.

Scott "Freddie Mercury" Walkush not only accounted for the majority of Herd fans, but also fanned multiple batters, killed the ball, and showed the hustle we all adore while chasing down a foul ball.  He WILL rock you.  And speaking of hustle, look no further than Rose "Charlie Hustle" Ketner.  While she didn't slide headfirst into any bases, she did a couple nice pirouettes out there that would have made Natalie Portman proud.  Erin "Fantasy" Haneline hit the ball better, harder, faster, stronger than Kanye West ever could dream.  And she EH'd and played every position on the field.  Twice.  Mike "I run marathons now and no longer need to focus on batting" Swaim kept a questionable score book that may or may not have extended the game beyond the mercy rule.  No, Coach, none of us really wanted it to end.

Who are we forgetting?  Someone unforgettable.  I recall Ashley "Legend/Brett Favre" Perdue retiring once before.  And I also recall amazing things from her in her swan song game, and last night was no different.  To say that she used her bat like Picasso used a brush would be a good analogy, painting the field with beautifully placed hits to all corners of the diamond.  Ashley, if you do in fact re-retire, we will miss you greatly.  No kidding around about that.


The Shannon Craft Award for being Shannon Craft award goes to...Ashley Flippin' Perdue.  The Legend.  'Nuff said.

The Redding/Haneline award for most gut-wrenching slide goes to...Rose Ketner!  Why slide when you can hop, skip, and jump into the bag?

The Herd Management's Spirit award goes to...The Bleachers!  Moms, wives, babies, dogs, co-workers, friends.  Oh My!

Random Herd Facts:

The Herd watched the first steps on the moon...From his summer home on Mars.

The Herd visits an active volcano every morning to get some of "the best damn espresso on Earth".

Harry Potter needs 8 movies to seek and destroy Voldemort. The Herd needs 4 seconds.

The Herd once allowed himself to be bitten by a werewolf. He actually finds full moons quite soothing.

Arnold Schwarzenegger always says he'll be back, but the Herd always handles things the first time.

Friday, June 8, 2012

(Loaded) Bats? We don't need no stinkin' (loaded) bats.

Herd 21, Flow 5
Everyone else: Who cares, we won!  Woohoo!

6:30 vs. Flex on WP #3
Pregame Festivities: Done for the season, aren't you sad you missed out last night?


In its long and storied history, many things have been said of the Herd.
"Are you from the Dash?"
"Can I pleeeeeeeaaaaase try out for the team?"
"Can I get a picture and an autograph?"
"Oh no, do we have to play the Herd again?"
"This team will be an easy win."

Not until last night, in the "good game" line no less, has the Herd heard cries of loaded bat.  Cheater.  Very attractive and young-looking team (at least 2 of those happened).  That's right, the same Herd that has a) been mercy ruled in all but 2 3 games this season, and b) used the same old bats for approximately 5 seasons, have stooped to the level of trickery and bat shaving to get ahead at the end of a lost season.  Maybe steroids too.  And while we're being honest, I've been wearing those heelie roller skate shoes to track down balls in the outfield.  That sounds about right, right?  How could the Herd go from zero to giant cheating hero in a mere week?  Let's take a look.

In an inauspicious start, PGF attendance set a new record low.  Really, I felt the need to mention that, but don't want to talk about it.  It just hurts too bad.  Maybe, just maybe, PGF can return to its glory days in the spring?  The game started like most games have this season.  The Herd batted a few, didn't score, and gave up a few runs to start in a hole.  Uh oh.  But then something happened.  Something awesome.  The Herd played ball.  The Herd batted around.  The Herd scored 21 runs.  We locked up the defensive end, anchored by brilliant pitching, hitting and chants of "get it in! get it in!" by Scott "the Goose was totally loose, for real" Walkush.  Fueled by the soundtrack to Rock of Ages, Bryan "Micheal Duble" Timmons waited for a while to get on base.  This blast of amazingly awesome hair band music would not translate to immediate success in the game and Doubles/Duble got out a lot before finally finding some solid base hits after some coaching from Rose "Ket" Kettner and some great sign-calling from Ashley "Legen...wait for it...dary" Perdue.

Biggie "Trip Zs/Gazelle" White not only shook up the lineup while serving duties of Herd Management, but hit the ball brilliantly.  And watching the grace and pure power of the Gazelle legging out a triple brings tears to the eyes of most mortal men and women.  Glorious.  Heather "Ice" Miller shook off some pregame goosebumps as well as a long string of great hits to the wrong spots to return to her normal form, crushing the ball and (oh-oh-oh-OH-oh) hangin' tough in LF.  John "Sparkles" Spivey continues his assault on the ball and extended his home run streak to 72 games.  Shannon Craft Award secured her namesake award for being Shannon Craft, not only hitting the ball well, but also running bases hard in front of Duble.

Christopher "Freak" Nixon barely escaped a streak through the quad to the gymnasium at PGF, only to show up to the game, field and hit better than all of Flow AND provide that juiced bat that made us awesome again.  And who are we forgetting?  Oh yeah.  Help Me, Rhonda (bow, bow, bow, bow) stepped in to fill the void left by DTKB and Fantasy admirably.  Anchoring 2B, joining the Herd hit parade, and sweating excellence (as is required by Herd bylaws).  Rhonda, we're a superstitious bunch, so we're gonna go ahead and need you to play next week, mmmmmkay?  And Herd, remember - no one washes any of yesterday's game attire before next week's swan song.


The Shannon Craft Award for being Shannon Craft award goes to...Our beloved Orange Bat that shall now and forevermore be known as the Differencemaker (or something better that you think up).

The Redding/Haneline award for most gut-wrenching slide goes to...John Spivey!  You say blooper duck snort of a base hit, Sparkles says no ma'am.

The Herd Management's Spirit award goes to...Herd Managment!  We missed you.  So much.  But it felt like you were right there, giving too-hard high fives and back pats.  I hope you bet it all on Purple in the casinos last night.

The Whatchu talkin' bout, Willis? award goes to...Christopher Nixon!  The Herd thanks you for doing what we all wanted to do post game - call out that team for calling us out as cheaters.

Random Herd Facts:

The Herd can tap dance in flip-flops.

Fast food restaurants were created so that people could eat while running from the Herd.

The Herd's rice krispies don't say crap until he tells them to.

The Herd shot the sheriff, but he did not shoot the deputy. He roundhouse kicked him in the face instead.