Friday, June 18, 2010

Although we've the end of the Herd...

Game Notes:

Over the years, Herd management has experienced various types of unbearable pain. Pain such as kidney stones, arm strains, back pain, unc national championships and broken ankles. None of these pains however can compare to the pain of losing to a team who’s best player is a short stop that looks like Zack Morris from Saved by the Bell and Phyllis Diller mated and produced an detestable offspring.

Despite the scorching hot bats of the Herds most prolific power hitting duo in team History, We$ “by gosh firkin “ Miller and Chris “robbed” Nixon, the Herd was unable to overcome the rat demons on this humid evening. Nixon filled in admirably at LC for Doubles Timmons, despite being robbed of robbing a home run from the steroid enhanced psycho pitcher. We$ turned in one of the most completely dominating performances at Short Stop that Herd Management has ever witnessed, ruining the lives and dreams of many rat base runners on the evening.

Shane O’Mite McLane, fresh off of his self imposed 3 game suspension, returned to the roster with a fresh mindset and a whole new love for the game, and it showed in a huge way. McLane made some of the most unbelievably acrobatic catches in right field that had most spectators confused and bedazzled all evening. Not only was he hot, both literally and metaphorically in the outfield, he came through with numerous clutch hits down the stretch against Wings that sent the Might Herd into the Semi Finals.

Drill Sergeant Scott “Goose” Walkush rebounded in a HUGE way on the mound last night with a flawless pitching effort in both games. The story of the night though was Sergeant Goose taking over the leadoff spot in the batting order. Goose lived up to the management imposed hype, delivering base hit after base hit, setting the table for the Herd offense all night long. The play of the year came when Sergeant Goose took it upon himself to physically remove the head rat from the game with a scorching missile up the middle with the very first pitch that shook the nerves of the rats pitcher, bringing the Herd sideline to its feet in admiration and approval.

The Herd most improved player Award this year will have to go to The Dancing Gazelle, Triple Zero Chadwick White. All year long, the Gazelle has been able to deliver in the most crucial of situations on both offense and defense. It is one thing to simply produce when your team needs you the most however the Gazelle took it to a whole new level this year and produced with elegance and grace that would be enough to make a grown man cry.

One of the staples of the Herd lineup all year long was our Fantasy, EH #8. Fantasy was locked in at the plate all night long, producing at the highest of levels. Fantasy had the look in her eye from the get go that she was not going to allow the Herd suffer another loss at the hands of the dastardly rats. Herd management considers this the finest effort of the season put forth by the Fantasy and relishes the opportunity to watch her expand on this in the fall season.

The Shannon Craft Award was also highly keyed in at the plate all night long on the bittersweet evening. Award is hitting the ball better than she ever has in her entire career, which needless to say is quite an accomplishment for such a decorated veteran of the Mighty Purple Herd. Award, who comes dressed in the old school Blundering Herd Jersey to inspire of the way things used to be, in a better time, was able to summon the ghosts of Herd past and deliver beautifully orchestrated base hits that scattered throughout the outfield all night long.

The Hammer, J-Mill, was our vocal and defensive leader last night, rivaling the Sergeant in motivational words and phrases. It was 11 Thursdays ago last evening that J-Mill lost her Herdginity, and since that glorious, emotional moment she has blossomed into one of the league’s best overall player. J-Mill swings the bat with such resounding fury, that the entire left side of the field quivers in their cleats each and every time Hammer walks into the batter’s box. It is the defense that J provided to the Herd that has earned her the Managers Female MVP award this season.

Herd Management becomes overcome with emotion as he recollects the last two season he was able to spend with the most amazingly gifted athlete and genuinely nice person in the history of co-rec athletics. It is with deep sadness and immeasurable sorrow that we bid goodbye to what will forever be our MVP, Jessica Hendrix. Jessica brought a much desired flare and spark to the Herd last year that led us to our first back to back championship season in Herd History. She also brought us Blake that one time. That was awesome.

In what is considered an all around dark and depressing night, there were two sensational women that shone brighter than the brightest stars in the sky. Herd management would like to thank Rose “KET” Ketner and Hien “Usain Bolt” Lewis for their sensationally amazing contributions to the overall success of the Herd Nation last night. Words can’t even begin to describe the amount of gratitude and admiration Herd Management has for these two amazing women. While it may have seemed to be a bit of a stretch to bring in one of the players for the despised yet now defunct Compensated squad, Ket was able to provide late inning heroics when things looked their darkest to the Mighty Purp. One of the superstars from the 2009 Spring Championship team also provided the same late inning heroics with her unmatched speed and desire to make everyone around her better. These two ladies will forever hold a special place in the Herd’s Purple Hearts.

Random Herd Facts:
The Herd once threw itself a surprise party but couldn’t attend because they didn’t give themselves enough notice.
When the Herd orders a salad, they get the dressing right there on top of the salad, where it belongs…and there is no turning back.
Bulls flat out refuse to fight The Herd
If the Herd argues with you, it is because you are wrong.
The Herd can navigate a ship by stars…during the day.

Michael SwaimHerd Administration

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Every now and then I get a little bit nervous that the best of all the Herd years have gone by

Game Notes:

On one of the most deeply depressing evenings in the prestigious history of the Glorious Purple Herd, the uber friendly WS Energy athletes were able to put a BP’esq cap on what most sports pundits consider the most horrific seasons in Herd History. This season wasn’t without its high points however. The Prolific Purps set a new standard for Pre Game festivities this season and introduced Post Game Festivities to the world.

Despite the outcome, superstar Bryan “in tha face” Timmons remains one of the Herd most prolific leadoff hitters in the history of the sport. Herd management can only dream of having the amount of skill, talent, and ability that superstar Timmons is in possession of.

In the 2 hole, The Fantasy, Erin Haneline has spent many years as a lynchpin to the Herds success. This season was no different. While many conspiracy theorists agree that there is a nationwide conspiracy to withhold valuable toilet paper from restrooms that Fantasy patrons from time to time, she is literally able to shake it off and perform at an amazingly absurd high level.

Batting 3rd is usually our leader, Goose Walkush. I can not write about Goose without literally breaking down into an uncontrollable hysterical sobbing fit. Goose is single handedly took the Herd to a new level last year with his cool demeanor and militant leadership style that has the Herd both excited and frightened on and off the field.

You don’t talk about The Herd without mentioning the unbelievable contributions of my favorite and yours, Ashely, A-Dub Perdue. When A-Dub rejoined the Herd back in 2006, our record was 0-4 and we had been outscored by 48 runs. After A-Dub rejoined the Herd, we still only won one game, but she instantly made us competitive again. That is what A-Dub does. Makes everyone around her better. For that, Herd management salutes you, dear dear friend.

The Herds 5th batter is simply a freak. We$ by gosh firkin Miller is the prototypical softball super stud. The ladies love him and the girls adore him and Herd management practically worships the ground he walks on. With his monster blast last night, Miller became the single season Herd home run leader and is only 4 home runs away from all time great Herd super slugger Mike Swaim.

Staying in the Family we will now address Herd Rookie Jennifer JMILL Millers amazing season with the Pyro Purps. When J-Mill first joined the Mighty Herd, she was just a shy girl, standing with the wallflowers wishing she had stayed at home. By her first official at bat however, she burst out like a beautiful, rabid, violent butterfly emerging from its cocoon. Miller turned in one of the most prolific rookie seasons in the history of the Purples, playing 19 different positions and swinging an amazingly efficient bat.

Yet another freak athlete that has graced his appearance in the lineup this season is Herd RBI leader Chris “rock yo face off” Nixon. There simply isn’t a more clutch player not only in this league, but in all of sports than our very own C-Nix. C brings it every single game and is simply not afraid to step up and take over a game at any given moment with either his brick wall like defense or his artistically beautiful, picture perfect swing of the bat.

The third and arguably most important (or at worst in the top 3) member of the Haneline/Miller cult is the sensational Heather “I know more MLB all stars than you know people” Miller. When most women are allowed by Herd management to reproduce, they rarely if ever actually return to their Purple roots. Not only did Ice Cream return, but she returned with a higher skill set than what she left with. Herd management considers it an honor AND a privilege to share the same field as this beloved all star.

While there were few bright spots in last nights game, one star that shone like the sun was our dancing queen, Biggie Chad The Gazelle Fred Astaire Triple Zero White. Biggie put his name in the official Herd book of amazing plays last night with one of the most graceful, elegant snag accompanied by a picture perfect pirouette at third base to throw out the speedy Energy runner.

Another miraculous bright spot from yester evening was 2009 Herd Female MVP Jessica Hendrix. Jessica is the type of athlete that brings a calm, warm feeling to the team, similar to the feeling you get when you relieve yourself in a swimming pool. The biggest difference between those two scenarios is that a blue cloud doesn’t follow MVP around, just awesomeness. Herd management doesn’t want to live in a world that doesn’t include MVP as a permanent fixture in the Herd lineup. For Serious.

The one player that might very well receive the Woman MVP award vote from HM this year might very well be Shannon Craft Award. When Herd Management first met SCA, she was just a small town girl, living in a lonely world. Now, she is one of the most fierce hitters on the team, leading all women in batting average and on base percentage.

Herd News!

Todd called earlier to explain the playoff situation. I have no idea what he was talking about for I was drawing a “Thug Life” tattoo on my chest with a dark purple crayon. HERD UP!!

***Evening Awards***

The "Shannon Craft" award for being Shannon Craft goes to Ginger Nixon and Jana Swaim for being there!

The "Redding/Haneline" award for most gut wrenching slide goes to Jessica Hendrix for her inspirational and motivating slide into 3rd base!!!!

Random Herd Facts:

The Herd gave Red Bull wings

The Herd taught me how to make love to my wife and how to scold my children.

The Herd’s cereal never gets soggy. It just sits there, staying crispy. Just for them.

The Herd once taught a dog to bark. In Spanish.

The Herd once buried a time capsule full of things that haven’t happened yet.

Thank you for your continued support of Herd Athletics,

Michael Swaim|Herd Administration

Friday, June 4, 2010

Lodi Dodi, Herd likes to party, we dont cause trouble we dont bother nobody

Game Notes:
Iconic songwriter and true American legend Miley Cyrus penned the following lyric yesteryear: “There’s always gonna be another mountain, I’m always gonna wanna make it move. Always gonna be an uphill battle, sometimes I’m gonna have to lose.” These historic words of wisdom ring especially true for Americas Co-Rec softball team, the Mighty Purple Herd. It took an embarrassing effort last week in a humiliating loss to the scum of the league, the Rats, to refocus the Herd on its ultimate goal, and that is to sell Herd Managements car. While the car is still for sale, the Herd did restore order and return to its customary winning ways in a hard fought, emotionally and physically draining victory over the up and coming Wings from East Coast.
The game in itself did not begin on the field on this gloriously humid evening. Instead, it began in the most historic of all Pregame Festivity destinations at Foothills. It became clear from the beginning that The Fantasy, Erin Haneline would mentally and violently lift the once struggling Herd from its dark and destitute personal island of self pity and bring it back to its rightful place atop the co-rec softball nation. Fantasy toasted to the Herd and then took her game to the field where she womanhandled the upstart Wings with her mighty stick and cannon of an arm in Left Field.
The sensational magic from pregame festivities at foothills initiated by the fantasy carried over to the field. With the very first swing of the game, Bryan “Umpa Loompa Doopedy Doo, the best Chocolate Factory was version number 2” Timmons, ripped a stunning double to left center field. While Mr. Timmons is of course noted for his affinity for the 2 bagger, his taste in cult classics could use an upgrade.
Despite being conspicuously absent from Pregame Festivities, Goose Walkush turned in quite possibly the most astonishingly dominate pitching performance of his illustrious career. At one point in the 3rd inning, Walkush retired 19 consecutive Wings batters with his high arching curveball and his defensive squad firmly behind him. It is also of Herd Managements opinion that if the softball league every disbands, Goose would make a spectacular drill sergeant given his affinity for relentlessly pushing the Mighty Purps to new levels both on the basepaths and in the field.
Shannon Craft award was also at the very top of her game, giving the Herd a much needed lift from behind the plate with a League Of Their Own type performance from the catchers position. Award has also 100% guaranteed that she will be able to land the Herd first corporate sponsor since Hero House in 2003, a guarantee that she personally backs up with her heart and soul.
Heather “Why in the world do I call you ice cream?” Miller was as solid as the most recent episode of Glee at 2nd base last night. Miller inflicted so much fright and fear into the batters of Wings that the completely avoided hitting the ball to her all night long, for they know that an ball hit in her direction would be gobbled up like a delicious toasted grilled cheese/bacon sandwich from Foothills.
Sometimes, on dark and lonely nights, Herd management will look up into the night sky and pretend that the airplanes are shooting stars and make one wish right now, wish right now. That one wish is that Herd super star, Herd Legend, Herd Founder and Herd all time leading great Ashley Perdue would not only play a fantastic game, but would also rap in-between innings. That wish was granted last night as Ashley “Snoop Doggy” Perdue turned in one of the most epic offensive games slash rap efforts in Herd History. Herd Management was unable to contain his emotions as Snoop Doggy Perdue broke forth the rhythm and the rhyme that literally willed the Mighty Purp to victory.
One of the most eye pleasing events of the evening came during each and every one of Jennifer not Jessica “The Destroyer” Miller’s at bats. Miller put one of the most violent beatings on a 12” softball ever recorded in human history. Miller, sporting her nifty new #15 Herd Jersey, turned in one of her best performances in her young Herd career, going a nasty 4-4 at the plate and performing with honor in courage in right field, saving Herd Management from more utter embarrassment on numerous occasions.
There are simply no words at this point that could accurately describe what MVP Chris “Lex Lugar” Nix brings to the field. Nix is what the sports world likes to call “the total package” not only due to his Major League level of defensive ability at shortstop and his almost frightingly high level of offensive prowess, but his desire to personally sacrifice his time, effort and money to attend pregame festivities this season.
Herd Management is still in shock and awe that Chad “THE GAZELLE”TRIP ZERO”BIGGIE White was physically able to take the field last night after one of the most physically grueling pregame festivity performance ever seen in the history of pregame festivity. Not only was the big fella able to shake off that situation, he did it in style with several beautiful line drives to left center and a spectacular play at third base that brought back memories of last years Herd defensive performances. Also, Herd Management is going to recommend that Trip Zero bring a change of draw’s to each and every upcoming Herd event.

***Evening Awards***
The "Shannon Craft" award for being Shannon Craft goes to Johnny Depp for being the greatest Willie Wonka ever.

The "Redding/Haneline" award for most gut wrenching slide goes to Jenni from Mullen for being the victim of another dirtbag play by the dastardly rats.

The “Humanitarian” award goes to every team in the league not called the Rats

Random Herd Facts
Every time the Herd goes for a swim, dolphins appear.
The Herd lives vicariously through the Herd.
The Herd does not break wind. They destroy it.
The Herd coined the phrase “I see dead people” after the wait staff at Denny’s forgot its birthday.

Thank you for your continued support of Herd Athletics,
Michael Swaim Herd Administration
much happier bear