Friday, September 24, 2010

I was there and I saw what Herd did..I saw it with my own two eyes!


Aon 11 Boogerpickers 15
Herd 11 Sum n not so special 7
YMCA 19 Boogerpickers 9

Next Week:
6:30 Sum N Not So Special v/s Outsource BLUM
7:30 YMCA v/s Herd BLUM
8:30 Winner of Sumn/Aon v/s Groomingdales

Absent Next Week:?

Herd On a Mission:
Herd has secured a spot in the championship day on October 7th.
Herd needs only to beat YMCA to clinch at least a 2nd place trophy.

Game Notes:
On one of the most magically and mysterious full moon evenings of the decade, the once Mighty, then Blundering then Mighty again Purple Herd stunned the world by ousting the oversized juiceheads from Sum n Special by a final score of 11-7 in what promises to be a game the historians will look back upon millions of years from now to describe how softball should be played.

It was the Herd Women who injected a life-size bottle of heart into the struggling Herd. Herd Favorite Shannon Craft Award came up HUGE on several occasions, driving in several of the most clutch runs of her prestigious career.

Jeni from Mullen fell victim to the unfortunate Herd Management substitution pattern only getting one at bat on the night, however her contributions were felt deeply within the moral fibers of Herd Administration, as she was able to keep a very neat and tidy scorebook, one that could actually be read and comprehended by others outside of the Herd Management Mind.
Another victim of the dastardly substitution was the destroyer, J-Mill. Mill has secured her spot as one of the overall best 2nd basewoman in all of the league but that was not where the Mill excelled on this glorious evening. Mill’s pre bat motivational techniques were inspirational, intense and indeed, a bit frightening.

One Herd woman who has lifted her game higher than Lindsey Lohan at a get out of jail early party is Herd Superstar Heather Miller. Miller delivered at the plate all night long going a blustery 3-3 at the plate with at least 3 runs scored. Not only did Miller scorch Hanes Hosiery with her heroic play all night long, she brought in a replacement for the absent We$ “bgf” Miller that will change the direction of the Purple Herd for the rest of eternity. Welcome to the squad Jackson.

Adding an element of intimidation and pure unadulterated smack talk to the Mighty Purple Herd this season and especially last night is Herd Rookie, the hero, Lauren Hunt. While it seemed that the ump was making horrible call after horrible call, it was the Hero that made sure he knew about it, launching a Herd laced tirade in the direction of the man in blue to make sure that if he made another call as horrible as the last, he should indeed fear for his life.

It was the play of two very special Herd women last night however, that catapulted the Big Purps into the semi finals with their tear jerkingly amazing play. Our Legend, Ashley “No Hits since Japan” Perdue broke out of a Okinawa size self proclaimed slump with 2 of the most crucial hits of the Herd season last night, giving the Herd the lead in two different innings. Not only was Perdue Hotter than Brittney Spears guest appearance on Glee next week at the plate, her glove work at 1st defiantly secured the win for the Prestigious Purps.

Also breaking out in a big way last night was our glorious Fantasy, Erin Haneline. Haneline has had a goal of physically removing the oppositions catcher from the game since her inception into the Tar Heel league many years ago, and last night she realized that dream, beaming the vaunted Sum N catcher right in the upper mommy parts, making her realize that catching while the fantasy is batting is reserved for only the most durable and unbreakable of athletes.

While the Herd Women carried the load all night long for the Big Purps, the Herd Gentlemen also held their own.

Not only did The Gazelle hold down 3rd base despite playing in a dust cloud that would make the Arizona Deserts jealous, Trip Zero’s pre pre game festivity of Bohangeles’ was a bold decision that paid off in a number of ways all night long. Another huge Biggie contribution was his willingness to hit it to the left fielder all night, wearing her down for the late game situations and rendering her basically useless for the remainder of the contest.

Pregame festivity superstar slash 2009 Herd MVP Chris Nixon was yet again a beast with a bat last night. Nix’s 5 rbi’s led the way and his vacuum like defense at short ensured that the sum’ns would not escape the Mighty Herd with another win. The strength and determination was undoubtedly fused into the body C-Nix during PGF when he made the revelation that Finnegans puts cucumbers in its water. It is moments like this that show you that Herd PGF is not only a moment of beauty and grace, it is also a moment of weirdly combined food groups that help you play better.

Another Pre game Superstar, Bryan “Doubles, but last night the singles were just as amazing” Timmons, still riding high from the emotional Double Rainbow moment from last week was literally on fire all night at the plate. Timmons was 4-4 with too many rbi’s to count and was literally all over the place in right center field. For the record, Doubles is batting .925 from the leadoff spot this season, indeed a Herd Record and a THL Record as well. All records are kept securely in the mind of Herd Administration, where they can be easily recollected and accessed at any time.

By far the brightest star in the sky and on the field last night was our beloved C-Dub. Dub had a MONSTER game, exhibiting the most devastating cannon arm in Herd History last night, doubling up the freak sum n left fielder to secure the 1 run lead in the 4th inning. That one play will and should be forever seared into the minds and memory of us all, leaving no doubt that our Dub is overall the most complete package of a softball player even in existence.


Seriously though, Herd Administration had a nightmare about what things for the Herd would be like without the contributions of what is considered to be the overall best player in the league. The nightmare consisted of being forced out of the league and to play with compensated, then after Herd Administration’s wife left him for Todd Barr, HM would then be forced to care for the Barr/Swaim lovechild and bring him up into a world with no Herd, No Fantasy and most importantly no Goose. Please Goose, never leave me.

The “Bring it” Herd Spirit award goes to J-Mill and Hero for their unadulterated primal screams before, during and after each inning of this Epic Herd Contest
The “Shannon Craft Award” for being Shannon Craft goes to Jackson Miller for being Wes Miller!!

The “Hide yo kids Hide Yo Wife” award for being so intimidating running the bases that the punk sum n special infield complained about putting his hands on his head to avoid getting hit IN THA FACE AWARD goes to Doubles Timmons for doing just that

Random Herd Factoids:
Many children enjoy games like jump rope, tiddlywinks and marbles. As a child, The Herd enjoyed killing people with jump rope, tiddlywinks and marbles.

The Herd likes its meat so rare that they only eat unicorns.

If the Herd were to punch you in the face, you would have to fight off the urge to thank them.
The Herd once sent $2,000 to a Nigerian scammer and actually received their $2.7 million inheritance.

The Herd once started a fire using dental floss and water.

Thank you for your continued support of Herd Athletics,

Michael Swaim Herd Adminstration

Friday, September 17, 2010

Ohhhh Ohhhhh, Your Herd is on Fire!

Game Notes:
The Night Belongs to Lovers…but last night belonged to the Goose, Sergeant Scott Walkush. On an evening where the Herd couldn’t seem to sustain any sort of substantial offensive explosion, it was our Captain Walkush who led the charge with a career high 3 home runs and 19 rbi’s on the Herd’s 3rd multi game night of the season that lead the Mighty Purple Herd to its first two game sweep of the season and secured a .500 record on the year. Great job young turk!

While Walkush was indeed one of the most dominating specimens since Kate Gosling’s fertility injections, the beloved and fantastic Fantasy Haneline was able to shoulder the load for the women, knocking in a paltry 11 runs herself on the evening. It wasn’t so much the dominating performance by Fantasy that was so beautiful, it was the complete and unadulterated hustle on every single play that made Herd management feel all warm inside.

While the Mighty Purple Herd has struggled to regain its dominating demeanor for the biggest part of the season, there was one special moment in this game that may go down as the turning point of the season. While many believe this moment came when Herd Managements shorts fell down on his trounce down to first base, it indeed is not the moment. The moment came in the 4th inning of the same v/s the Drunken Soccer Players when our favorite transfer, Jeni from Mullen came out of the dugout with a burning hatred fuming in her deep purple eyes. A hatred not seen since the days of the Compensated rivalry. It is of Herds management’s belief that this hatred spewed over into the entire team, single handedly willing them to victory.

Another Herd player with fire in her eyes and fury in her heart was J-Mill. The Mill has been on an absolute tear this season, both at the plate and at the 9 different positions she has played defensively throughout the course of the year. J-Mill is now the 1st rookie in Herd history to play 4 positions on the same night and in the same game. While Mull struck fear into the heart of Herd Administration upon her arrival in some of the most intimidating doctor looking wardrobe, her calming yet dominating influence on all 2 games was indeed a much needed mind relieving experience all night long.

In a pregame speech with Fantasy, it was determined that when the city of Winston Salem finally erects a statue in the Honor of its beloved Purple Army, the statue will indeed take on the perfectly silent, yet dominating appearance of The Show, C- Dub. Dub has inspired so many of us in so many different ways throughout the years. At least 4 of the Herd athletes are currently trying to emulate his batting stance and overall outlook on life.

One player who is quickly becoming a Herd Icon is our utility player, our biggie, and our gazelle, Chad Biggie White. When Herd Management was recollecting the happenings of this epic double-header victory, it was the overall play of our Biggie that seemed to stand out like a beautiful Rhinna/Eminem compilation. The Gazelle played a flawless 3rd base and pitched a gem for the first 4 innings of the Aon contest.

One of the most physically intimidating and down right frightening figures in the history of the Herd..ney…they History of the league this year is our uber slugger, Wes by gosh frikin Miller. Not much can be said about Miller’s skill set or contributions to this team that hasn’t already said, however one moment in the beloved career of Miller occurred in the 1st game last night when this creature literally ate the hard rubber knob off of a bat. Ate a rubber knob. Off of a bat. Let that settle in for a minute.

It was a long and hard, yet uber productive day for Herd Rookie, Lauren “Hero” Hunt. Hunts pregame ambitions were dully noted via iphone video, however it was her in game dedication that was most influential to the entire Herd team. The reputation of the Hero has obviously been spread throughout the league due to the fact that the Doodlebugs REFUSED to hit a ball anywhere near her all night long.

In softball, superstition is the norm. Some women will not step on the chalk while coming off of the field, while some guys on our team love to wear womens underwear. One of the most superstitious players on our team however, is Doubles Timmons. Never before has Herd Management seen one natural event such as a Double Rainbow turn around the season of not only one individual such as Timmons, but the entire Purple Herd team. Double Rainbow. What does it all mean? Wins. Double wins. That’s what it means. All the way.

Mortal words and phrases simply can not quantify the true love and compassion Herd management has for the All Time Herd Great, Ashley A-Dub Perdue. A-Dubs contributions to this mighty Herd nation do not come from her mind blowing stats alone. No. A-Dubs impact is felt far beyond the softball field. If Things are tight, Dub will put on a stand up comedic routine that rivals that of comedic great Asis Ansari to loosen up the team. If the Herd needs to score the runner at 3rd, A Dub will calmly drop a single in behind the 1st baseman. And if the Herd needs a stop, the mighty power glove work of our beloved Franchize Perdue will make the play. Respect.

Finally, Herd Management would like to give a sincere and heart felt shout out to the most prolificly amazing player on the roster, one Mrs. Heather Haneline Ice Cream Miller. Miller comes to the game with a mindset that she is going to sacrifice her heart, body and soul for the betterment of The Purple Good and last night was no exception. With a beautiful swan dive into 3rd base in one of the most critical situations of the entire year, Ice Cream has solidified herself as a True Herd Legend that dreams are made of. Millers bat has so dramatically improved since the first of the year that teams across the nation are in shock and awe of such majestic greatness.

The “Shannon Craft award for being Shannon Craft” goes to Wes By Gosh Frikin Miller for being the Herd Profit, always knowing what is going to happen before it happens can save the life of Herd Administration.

The “Haneline/Miller devastating slide” award goes to HEATHER MILLER for her crucially perfect 3rd base jab.

Random Herd Facts:

When the Herd was nine, they dressed as themselves to go trick-or-treating. The Herd came home with a bag full of candy, a bag full of miniature liquor bottles, an Irish Setter, and two underage prostitutes carrying more of their candy.

The Herd was the first person to walk up to a cow and say, “Whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze them, I’m drinking!”

The Herd is the life of parties they never even attended.

Once, the eye of a passing hurricane winked at the Herd.

Thank you for your continued support of Herd Athletics,
Michael Swaim Herd Administration

Friday, September 10, 2010

Do you remember the time?....

Games Last Night:
YMCA 17 Herd 7
Sum 7 Aon 0
Groomingdales More Aon Less
Ymca more Aon Less

Games Next Week:
Herd v/s Groom W4 6:30
Herd v/s Outsource WF 8:30

Random Notes of Failure:

The Herd has a 4 game losing streak against one team for the 1st time in Club History.
The Herd can finish no higher than .500 for the first time in 5 years.
The Herd has been mercy ruled in 3 consecutive games for the first time in Club History.

With 4 wins in the tournament, the Herd can still repeat as Fall World Champions! DON’T STOP BELIEVIN…..

Absent Next Week:
For the love of all that is good and right in this world, please, everyone be here.

Game Notes:
In perhaps the greatest showing of team unity and fan support in the history of the once Mighty Purple Herd, Family De La Walkush put on one of the most completely dominating pregame festivity tailgate parties in the history of Co-Rec softball. Not only did this event bring awareness to the Herd struggles, it was thought to be a preventative measure to ensure that nothing so disastrous as being mercy ruled 2 games in a row would ever happen again. Fans from miles away came to participate in this epic event, complete with fantastubulous hot dogs, pizza and assorted beverages from the prestigious Gatorade family. When Herd management looked up to the parking lot from his post on Field 3, he could not help but to become overcome with emotion and simultaneous jubilation. Also of note: Scotts Birthday. Happy.

The fun did not stop there. The Mighty Herd returned to 2009 mid season form early in the showdown with the YMCA’s, going up 7-3 thanks to an amazing all around effort by the entire Haneline/Miller family. Wes “BGF” Miller got his first career Herd start in LC and needless to say, he did not disappoint. Despite almost getting plowed over by one of the most intimidating physical specimens in the history of the Herd Outfield in Herd Administration, Wes was able to make numerous ESPN’esq plays in the outfield to accompany his 4-4 at the plate including one of the most skull crushing home runs you will ever see. Heather “Purple makes everything Glorious” Miller also brought her A game on this amazing evening, going a glorious 3-4 at the plate along with several crucial put outs in her 1st start in LF of the season. It was not the on the field contributions that make Ice Cream one of the most beloved Herd Athletes of our or any generation, it is her off the field attributes that catapult her into a different stratosphere. Tonight’s contribution: Magic Purple Silly Bands. Sensational.
The 3rd member of the Haneline/Miller quartette, J-Mill continues to show Herd administration what a waste of the last 33 years has been without her on the Herd Roster. J-Mull is the steadying force in the batter’s box and has become one of the most feared 2nd base/first base women in the entire league with her Stephie Graph’esq grunt each time she decapitates a softball into left field.

Another Herd rookie superstar, Jeni Mullen is starting to truly develop her Herd legs at this point of the season. Despite playing for 9 different teams last night, she left her heart, mind, body and soul with the Herd, beating out several ground balls with her Mullen like speed and holding down Left Field as could only be expected from a Superstar League Veteran such as herself.

One of, if not THE hottest female bats rests souly on the mighty shoulders of one Ms. Shannon Craft Award. There has not been one single night this year that Awards bat wasn’t as sizzling hot as a delicious Justin Beiber single and last night was no exception. Shannon was able to drive in a clutch run in the top of the 1st inning that gave the Mighty Herd a cushion for the rest of the night.

Another silent Herd legend, our very own Chris Pfohl was able to put off his duties running the most prestigious night club in the entire metropolitan area last night to lend the Herd a helping hand in its greatest time of need and as always Chris “Worry about the 1st, get the rest later” Pfohl was up to the task especially with the metal in his hand. Phol took it upon himself to literally, completely and undoubtedly DESTROY the 1st basewoman for the already shorthanded A’s. The rockets launched from the mighty bat of Pfhol had the 1st basewoman quivering in a pile of her own fear induced vomit all night, and it was indeed a thing of beauty.

The Legend of all Herd Legend, Ashley “you are the reason I have grey hairs” Perdue continued her amazing streak of giving Herd Management grey hairs last night, arriving literally 4 seconds prior to to the game. Ashley dismissed her duties at work in a very similar way that she dismisses the mental stability and mindset of Herd Administration, quickly and effortlessly.

While Biggie’s greatest accomplishments on the field are oft overlooked, he made a tremendous contribution off the field last night in ways that can only be expressed with a romantic embrace. It was Biggie who informed Herd Administration of the Tailgating party going on just feet above the field, a party that Herd Administration was unaware of at the time. Biggie, true American hero.

Then we lost.

***Evening Awards***
The “Shannon Craft” award for being Shannon Craft goes to Kyle Brown for Being Ashley Perdue for like 3 minutes.

The “Haneline Only” slide award goes to Wes “BFG” Miller for having the mindset to slide under Herd Administration, avoiding what would have been described in the history books as the follow-up to the Big Bang Theory.

Random Herd Facts
The Herd has amassed an amazingly large DVD collection, and has never once alphabetized it.
The Herd taught a horse to read its emails for them.
The Herd aced a Rorschach test
The Herd once visited a psychic…to warn her.
The Herd’s parents were named after them.

Thank you for your continued support of Herd Athletics,

Michael Swaim Herd Administration

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Come baby Come baby, baby Come Come

There comes a time in every athletes career that she/he needs as much mental and physical support that they can possible accumulate. Times such as disastrous losing streaks, playoff contests, championship games and now, the first ever triple header in Herd History. This triple header will be the defining moment of the 2010 Fall Regular season for the attention deprived Mighty Purple Herd. It is with great desire that Herd Administration is asking you, the Mighty Purple Herd Fans, to come together and be what we have lacked for the better part of 2010, our Athletic Supporters. Short or tall, black or white, big or small, Athletic Supporters go a long way in lifting up the spirits of the Herd Nation. Herd Management is asking you, Maggie Ghylenhall, and you G-Nix, and you Ouida, and you K-Woot, and anyone else that will listen to come out this Thursday night and spend an evening with Your Mighty Purple Herd.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Because Your Herd, Your Herd is my Drug

Game Notes:
On an evening where Passion, Desire, Youthful Exuberance and Unbridled Motivation were replaced with crispy gorditas, taco pizza’s, olive dip and double stuffed taco’s, the Mighty Purple Herd wilted under the pressure, suffering their 3rd consecutive loss at the hands of the defending spring champions, the YMC A’s

Despite their pregame assault on all things Taco, Wes “By Gosh Frikin” Miller, Heather “Sweat T” Miller and Erin “Fantasy Taco” Haneline, the Haneline/Miller trio were able to perform and an unhealthily high level on the softball field. By Gosh Frikin was absolutely robbed of a game tying home run by the 103% humidity on the field, undoubtedly caused by the multitude of Mexican delicacy intakes. Another member of the Miller family involved in a robbery was fan favorite Heather “Sugar” Miller. Miller demonstrated time and time again why she is one of the most feared and respected 2nd basewomen in the game, making one of the most bedazzling plays to end an inning that your eyes will ever see. The 3rd member of the Taco Trinity, Erin “Fantasy” Haneline was also involved in a robbery of her own, when Herd fan favorite stepped in to rob her of a put out in the 2nd inning. Also of note, it was discovered that the fantasy has perhaps the softest hands on the team, reminiscent of a fluffy cloud in a western sunset.

The 4th member of the Haneline/Miller Quadrant, Jenn “Devastator” Miller was able to avoid the lures and temptations of a delicious outing at the border, and it showed. Miller continued her destruction on the Herd rookie record books, going an impressive 3-4 on the night, which included starting the Herd only 2 rallies of the evening.

While most of the Herd did all they could to ensure victory on the evening, it appeared that our own pitcher, the heart and soul of the team was single handedly out to sabotage any chance the Herd had of winning the game by forcing the Herds Greatest Fans and only true inspirations to compete and win, his wife and kids, to stay at home. Herd management was absolutely devastated as he scanned out over the capacity crowd and did not see the Herds most important and vital fans in the stands.

In a true testament to the absolute power and might of the YMC A’s, the Herd’s designated lightning bolt, Gazelle Trip Zero Biggie was thrown out at first base for the 1st time in his prestigiously illustrious career. The big fella also fell victim to the pre game weigh down of one of the most dominatingly destructive pre game meals in Herd History however.

Chad “C-Dub the outfield thief” Welch made his highly anticipated return last night, and he did not disappoint. Not only did C-Dub stay an entire county away from any sort of Taco’s, Gordita’s, Burrito’s or Chicken Apple Sandwiches, Dub was able to put on a display in the outfield that left our own right fielder, The Fantasy, standing in awe of such mighty majesty. Dub was so absurdly keyed up to make his return to the Mighty Purp that he forgot that he actually had a left fielder and right center fielder, and made some of the most amazingly epic plays in the outfield this season.

C-Nix is a dadgum freak. Herd Management dreams on a regular basis that he had only a fraction of percentage of talent that this superstar displays on a minute by minute basis. Just the sight of C-Nix in the field makes Herd Administration feel insignificant and irrelevant not only on the softball field, but also in the grand scheme of life.

Lauren “still needs a nickname” Hunt once again lived up to her billing as one of the fastest players in the league tonight as her scorching speed down the first baseline kept the all important Herd rally alive in the 4th inning. While her almost Gazelle like speed was literally a thing of beauty, it was her mind boggling heist of the YMC A player in right field that brought the house to its feet in the 6th inning, saving 3 runs and keeping the Herd Alive for one final exhausting rally.

Two of the more storybook displays of excellence on this night came from two of the most historic Herd icons in Herd History. Shannon “Award” Craft, fresh off of her trip to Japan, kept her hot bat from the spring going tonight, despite not taking the field on almost 3 months. Craft was an awe-inspiring 3-4 at the plate and is batting a jaw dropping .750 on the season!

Herd eidolon Ashley “A-Dub” Perdue continues to prove over and over again why she is by far the most intimidating and dominating force in the history of co-rec athletics. Fresh off Herd Awareness trip to Japan and another trip to Chicago, Ashley was able to hit the ball to any spot on the field that she so desired all night long.

The brightest spot for the men on offense this evening had to be that of Bryan “hide yo kid hide yo wife” Timmons. With the Herd mired in an offensive funk like never seen before, it was Timmons who shouldered the load for the Herd, going 4-4 and was a mere home run away from hitting for the first cycle in Herd History. Not only did Timmons bring the heat on the field, his mere presence at PGF was one of the most inspirational stories of the evening.

**Evening Awards**

The "Redding/Haneline" award for most gut wrenching slide goes to Heather Miller for her Plop.

The "Redding/Haneline" award for most gut wrenching slide goes to Jennifer Miller for her bone crushing slide into home.

The "Redding/Haneline" award for most gut wrenching slide goes to Scott “Sergeant Goose” Walkush for his random yet timely slides into pretty much every base on the field.

The “Don’t ever eat there again” award goes to Taco Bell.

The “Shannon Craft” award for being Shannon Craft goes to the most fantastically awesome fans in the history of the Mighty Purple Herd…the Walkush Spouse and kids.

Random Herd Facts
The Herd doesn’t turn on the Shower. They simply look at it until it cries.

When the Herd holds the iPhone 4, the reception actually INCREASES.

When The Herd played golf for money, they marked down a hole in 0 every time. A pro at the golf club, said to The Herd: "excuse me Herd, but you can’t score zero on a hole".

The Herd turned towards the man and said,” I’M THE BY GOSH FRIKIN HERD!” The man then proceeded to pour gas over his body and set himself on fire because that would be less painful than getting roundhouse kicked by the mighty Herd. The Herd kicked him in the face anyway.
Thank you for your continued support of Herd Athletics,
Michael Swaim Herd Administration

Thursday, August 12, 2010

I like the way it Herds, I like the way it Herds..

Game Notes:
The Mighty Purple Herd opened the 2010 Fall Season in a huge, monumental way with an epic win over The Manchester United Aon Outsource This’s by a final score of 14-1. Things got off to a rocky start earlier in the week when Herd Management realized that he would be without 5 (five) of the Herd’s most prestigious and decorated players for this early season tussle with the feisty This’. It was at that point that the realization came to fruition that one of the most amazingly epic recruiting tasks would be at hand. The 1st recruit came at the hands of Heather ICE CREAM SURE WOULD HAVE BEEN FRIKIN NICE YESTERDAY Miller. Miller, known more for her crafty skills at 2nd, is one of the league’s most overlooked recruiters. Ice Cream has brought amazing talent to the Purp in the past, but the recruitment of Laura “lastnameescapsme” Ballplayer was one of her finest works ever. Laura came in fresh off of her last stint as a softball player just 8 years ago and made a difference not only behind the plate and at bat, but made a difference in all of our lives in such a positive way it is simply far too emotionally distracting to mention in this blurb.

Perhaps the most amazing and unexpected recruits in the history of not only co-rec softball but in the history of sports all around the globe is one Mr. Nakoma Smith. This recruitment shows why Herd Management is by far the most amazing recruiter. Ever. For Serious. A simple blurb many many months ago on facebook was made about Nakoma “you belong with us” Smith’s antics in a softball game far far away. Herd Management records these trite facts like a one terabyte hard drive for easy access when needed. With the absence of 3 of our most fierce hitters, it was time to call up Mr. Smith to the show and he delivered in a way that could only be dreamed about.

The acquisition of Nakoma would have not been possible if it weren’t for our very own Chris “Freak” Nix. I almost refuse to pen another word about Freak for it can only diminish his legacy among the greatest athletes of our or any generation. Freak made the all important call to Nakoma to secure that commitment, then went out and simply dominated the left side of the infield all day long. You don’t know how it feels. You don’t know how it feels. You don’t know how it feels, to be Nix.

Our third and perhaps most eye opening recruit of the evening was one Mr. Chris “1/2 amazing, 1/3 pitcher, 1/3 defensive genius, 1/3 show stopper” Pfohl. The Purple Herd Blood runs deep within Pfhols veins, so this recruitment was perhaps the easiest of the 3. CPfohl, initially recruited to play 3rd base, was able to move back to the mound thanks to the absolute generosity and kindness of Sergeant Goose, who was not only willing to play short stop, he was almost giddy. Giddy like a school girl. The move to the mound for CPfohl was another brilliant move in a long line of brilliant moves by Herd Management. It became obvious throughout the day that most of the OST athletes feared Pfohl similar to the way Katy Perry fears talent…they do not want any part of it. This came to light as Pfohl recorded a 1st batter of the season strikeout for the first time in co-rec history.

Pfohl would not have had the opportunity to dominate the OST batters had it not been for the Herds most beloved superstar’s willingness to move over to Shortstop. Not only did our very own Sergeant Goose make the move to the middle of the defense, he did it with elegance and grace often associated with a beautiful Marcy Playground ballad. While the move to SS would have been a career ending decision for most, that was not the case for Goose, as he was able to flash beautiful displays of brilliance with his leather before he moved back to his rightful place atop the mound to record the final 3 outs of the game.

Yet another wonderful display of versatility was shown by our very own dancing Gazelle, Biggie trip z White. Trip Z was able to hold down the hot corner with absolute precision all evening long before he made his 1st career appearance in the outfield. The OST batters were so frightened of the big fella that they absolutely REFUSED to hit a ball anywhere near him all night long. One can only imagine what the outcome would have been had they tested his skills in the outfield. I dream of a day where we can all witness Trip Z get on his horse and track down a ball in the outfield like a heat seeking Gazelle.

In the fall, one of the Herds biggest downfalls was our lack of blistering speed. This need was addressed in the offseason by our acquisitions of Ty Lauren and Jeni “From Mullen” Hodges. Not only do these finely tuned athletes bring much desired and fantasized about speed to the mighty Purps, they also show the world that regardless of your roots, you are born to enhance the Herd experience. It is well documented that the Herd and Mullen grew up together over the past 4 years. Over those 4 years it also became obvious that Jeni “From Mullen” had more than earned a chance to compete with the most prestigious group of athletes in the history of the universe. While the Herd and Mullen were often seen as “sister teams” Compensated and Herd were not. This is what makes the acquisition of Lauren “Ty” Hunt so special. Herd Management looks forward to seeing these two ladies grow in their Purple over the course of the next 11 weeks.

The easy choice for game MVP is the beloved J-Mill. Herd management has become such a fan of J-Mill that he is currently in the process of developing a strategy to put J in a box and take her with him wherever he goes and also to put her on display next to the fantastic heirlooms of Herd years past. J-Mill turned in by far her most dominating offensive performance of her short but dominating Herd Career, going 4-4 with 3 rbi’s and 3 runs scored.

No Herd Report would be complete with the absolute obvious stroking of Herd Favorite, the Fantasy, Erin Haneline. Fantasy was able to take a few innings off from playing a mindwreckingly dominate left field for the first time in almost 5 years to sit back and enjoy her creation for once. It is pure pleasure watching the Fantasy’s spirit and electricity literally rub off on the entire Herd, motivating them and pushing them to levels thought impossible to reach. Thank you Fantasy, for being our Zen.

League Info:
Herd management has discovered some very useful information about the teams in the league. The Groomingdales are comprised of several Lab Rats as well as the core from a team that went 11-0 in the spring and had a run differential of + 144 according to their coach. Sum N Special is an unfortunate combination of two of the most dominating teams in the history of the league…Sherry’s Pub and Carlyle’s pub. YMCA is the exact same team that went undefeated in our league in the spring. Needless to say, we do indeed have our work cut out for us this fall.

***Evening Awards***
The "Redding/Haneline" award for most gut wrenching slide goes to Sergeant Goose for taking out the OST catcher early and often.

The “Most uneventful game ever” award goes to this game. Seriously. Throw me a bone here people.

The “Shannon Craft” award goes to Bryan Timmons, Wes Miller, C-Dub, Ashley and Shannon Craft for all being like Shannon Craft….ABSENT!

Random Herd Facts
Sharks have dedicated an entire week of watching a television show dedicated to The Herd.
When the Herd was born, the only person to cry was the doctor. NEVER SLAP THE HERD!
Rudolph has a red nose because he got lippy and The Herd roundhouse kicked him across the face a couple of times.
The Herd frequently donates blood to the red cross…just never its own.

Thank you for your continued support of Herd Athletics,
Michael Swaim Herd Administration

Friday, June 18, 2010

Although we've the end of the Herd...

Game Notes:

Over the years, Herd management has experienced various types of unbearable pain. Pain such as kidney stones, arm strains, back pain, unc national championships and broken ankles. None of these pains however can compare to the pain of losing to a team who’s best player is a short stop that looks like Zack Morris from Saved by the Bell and Phyllis Diller mated and produced an detestable offspring.

Despite the scorching hot bats of the Herds most prolific power hitting duo in team History, We$ “by gosh firkin “ Miller and Chris “robbed” Nixon, the Herd was unable to overcome the rat demons on this humid evening. Nixon filled in admirably at LC for Doubles Timmons, despite being robbed of robbing a home run from the steroid enhanced psycho pitcher. We$ turned in one of the most completely dominating performances at Short Stop that Herd Management has ever witnessed, ruining the lives and dreams of many rat base runners on the evening.

Shane O’Mite McLane, fresh off of his self imposed 3 game suspension, returned to the roster with a fresh mindset and a whole new love for the game, and it showed in a huge way. McLane made some of the most unbelievably acrobatic catches in right field that had most spectators confused and bedazzled all evening. Not only was he hot, both literally and metaphorically in the outfield, he came through with numerous clutch hits down the stretch against Wings that sent the Might Herd into the Semi Finals.

Drill Sergeant Scott “Goose” Walkush rebounded in a HUGE way on the mound last night with a flawless pitching effort in both games. The story of the night though was Sergeant Goose taking over the leadoff spot in the batting order. Goose lived up to the management imposed hype, delivering base hit after base hit, setting the table for the Herd offense all night long. The play of the year came when Sergeant Goose took it upon himself to physically remove the head rat from the game with a scorching missile up the middle with the very first pitch that shook the nerves of the rats pitcher, bringing the Herd sideline to its feet in admiration and approval.

The Herd most improved player Award this year will have to go to The Dancing Gazelle, Triple Zero Chadwick White. All year long, the Gazelle has been able to deliver in the most crucial of situations on both offense and defense. It is one thing to simply produce when your team needs you the most however the Gazelle took it to a whole new level this year and produced with elegance and grace that would be enough to make a grown man cry.

One of the staples of the Herd lineup all year long was our Fantasy, EH #8. Fantasy was locked in at the plate all night long, producing at the highest of levels. Fantasy had the look in her eye from the get go that she was not going to allow the Herd suffer another loss at the hands of the dastardly rats. Herd management considers this the finest effort of the season put forth by the Fantasy and relishes the opportunity to watch her expand on this in the fall season.

The Shannon Craft Award was also highly keyed in at the plate all night long on the bittersweet evening. Award is hitting the ball better than she ever has in her entire career, which needless to say is quite an accomplishment for such a decorated veteran of the Mighty Purple Herd. Award, who comes dressed in the old school Blundering Herd Jersey to inspire of the way things used to be, in a better time, was able to summon the ghosts of Herd past and deliver beautifully orchestrated base hits that scattered throughout the outfield all night long.

The Hammer, J-Mill, was our vocal and defensive leader last night, rivaling the Sergeant in motivational words and phrases. It was 11 Thursdays ago last evening that J-Mill lost her Herdginity, and since that glorious, emotional moment she has blossomed into one of the league’s best overall player. J-Mill swings the bat with such resounding fury, that the entire left side of the field quivers in their cleats each and every time Hammer walks into the batter’s box. It is the defense that J provided to the Herd that has earned her the Managers Female MVP award this season.

Herd Management becomes overcome with emotion as he recollects the last two season he was able to spend with the most amazingly gifted athlete and genuinely nice person in the history of co-rec athletics. It is with deep sadness and immeasurable sorrow that we bid goodbye to what will forever be our MVP, Jessica Hendrix. Jessica brought a much desired flare and spark to the Herd last year that led us to our first back to back championship season in Herd History. She also brought us Blake that one time. That was awesome.

In what is considered an all around dark and depressing night, there were two sensational women that shone brighter than the brightest stars in the sky. Herd management would like to thank Rose “KET” Ketner and Hien “Usain Bolt” Lewis for their sensationally amazing contributions to the overall success of the Herd Nation last night. Words can’t even begin to describe the amount of gratitude and admiration Herd Management has for these two amazing women. While it may have seemed to be a bit of a stretch to bring in one of the players for the despised yet now defunct Compensated squad, Ket was able to provide late inning heroics when things looked their darkest to the Mighty Purp. One of the superstars from the 2009 Spring Championship team also provided the same late inning heroics with her unmatched speed and desire to make everyone around her better. These two ladies will forever hold a special place in the Herd’s Purple Hearts.

Random Herd Facts:
The Herd once threw itself a surprise party but couldn’t attend because they didn’t give themselves enough notice.
When the Herd orders a salad, they get the dressing right there on top of the salad, where it belongs…and there is no turning back.
Bulls flat out refuse to fight The Herd
If the Herd argues with you, it is because you are wrong.
The Herd can navigate a ship by stars…during the day.

Michael SwaimHerd Administration

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Every now and then I get a little bit nervous that the best of all the Herd years have gone by

Game Notes:

On one of the most deeply depressing evenings in the prestigious history of the Glorious Purple Herd, the uber friendly WS Energy athletes were able to put a BP’esq cap on what most sports pundits consider the most horrific seasons in Herd History. This season wasn’t without its high points however. The Prolific Purps set a new standard for Pre Game festivities this season and introduced Post Game Festivities to the world.

Despite the outcome, superstar Bryan “in tha face” Timmons remains one of the Herd most prolific leadoff hitters in the history of the sport. Herd management can only dream of having the amount of skill, talent, and ability that superstar Timmons is in possession of.

In the 2 hole, The Fantasy, Erin Haneline has spent many years as a lynchpin to the Herds success. This season was no different. While many conspiracy theorists agree that there is a nationwide conspiracy to withhold valuable toilet paper from restrooms that Fantasy patrons from time to time, she is literally able to shake it off and perform at an amazingly absurd high level.

Batting 3rd is usually our leader, Goose Walkush. I can not write about Goose without literally breaking down into an uncontrollable hysterical sobbing fit. Goose is single handedly took the Herd to a new level last year with his cool demeanor and militant leadership style that has the Herd both excited and frightened on and off the field.

You don’t talk about The Herd without mentioning the unbelievable contributions of my favorite and yours, Ashely, A-Dub Perdue. When A-Dub rejoined the Herd back in 2006, our record was 0-4 and we had been outscored by 48 runs. After A-Dub rejoined the Herd, we still only won one game, but she instantly made us competitive again. That is what A-Dub does. Makes everyone around her better. For that, Herd management salutes you, dear dear friend.

The Herds 5th batter is simply a freak. We$ by gosh firkin Miller is the prototypical softball super stud. The ladies love him and the girls adore him and Herd management practically worships the ground he walks on. With his monster blast last night, Miller became the single season Herd home run leader and is only 4 home runs away from all time great Herd super slugger Mike Swaim.

Staying in the Family we will now address Herd Rookie Jennifer JMILL Millers amazing season with the Pyro Purps. When J-Mill first joined the Mighty Herd, she was just a shy girl, standing with the wallflowers wishing she had stayed at home. By her first official at bat however, she burst out like a beautiful, rabid, violent butterfly emerging from its cocoon. Miller turned in one of the most prolific rookie seasons in the history of the Purples, playing 19 different positions and swinging an amazingly efficient bat.

Yet another freak athlete that has graced his appearance in the lineup this season is Herd RBI leader Chris “rock yo face off” Nixon. There simply isn’t a more clutch player not only in this league, but in all of sports than our very own C-Nix. C brings it every single game and is simply not afraid to step up and take over a game at any given moment with either his brick wall like defense or his artistically beautiful, picture perfect swing of the bat.

The third and arguably most important (or at worst in the top 3) member of the Haneline/Miller cult is the sensational Heather “I know more MLB all stars than you know people” Miller. When most women are allowed by Herd management to reproduce, they rarely if ever actually return to their Purple roots. Not only did Ice Cream return, but she returned with a higher skill set than what she left with. Herd management considers it an honor AND a privilege to share the same field as this beloved all star.

While there were few bright spots in last nights game, one star that shone like the sun was our dancing queen, Biggie Chad The Gazelle Fred Astaire Triple Zero White. Biggie put his name in the official Herd book of amazing plays last night with one of the most graceful, elegant snag accompanied by a picture perfect pirouette at third base to throw out the speedy Energy runner.

Another miraculous bright spot from yester evening was 2009 Herd Female MVP Jessica Hendrix. Jessica is the type of athlete that brings a calm, warm feeling to the team, similar to the feeling you get when you relieve yourself in a swimming pool. The biggest difference between those two scenarios is that a blue cloud doesn’t follow MVP around, just awesomeness. Herd management doesn’t want to live in a world that doesn’t include MVP as a permanent fixture in the Herd lineup. For Serious.

The one player that might very well receive the Woman MVP award vote from HM this year might very well be Shannon Craft Award. When Herd Management first met SCA, she was just a small town girl, living in a lonely world. Now, she is one of the most fierce hitters on the team, leading all women in batting average and on base percentage.

Herd News!

Todd called earlier to explain the playoff situation. I have no idea what he was talking about for I was drawing a “Thug Life” tattoo on my chest with a dark purple crayon. HERD UP!!

***Evening Awards***

The "Shannon Craft" award for being Shannon Craft goes to Ginger Nixon and Jana Swaim for being there!

The "Redding/Haneline" award for most gut wrenching slide goes to Jessica Hendrix for her inspirational and motivating slide into 3rd base!!!!

Random Herd Facts:

The Herd gave Red Bull wings

The Herd taught me how to make love to my wife and how to scold my children.

The Herd’s cereal never gets soggy. It just sits there, staying crispy. Just for them.

The Herd once taught a dog to bark. In Spanish.

The Herd once buried a time capsule full of things that haven’t happened yet.

Thank you for your continued support of Herd Athletics,

Michael Swaim|Herd Administration

Friday, June 4, 2010

Lodi Dodi, Herd likes to party, we dont cause trouble we dont bother nobody

Game Notes:
Iconic songwriter and true American legend Miley Cyrus penned the following lyric yesteryear: “There’s always gonna be another mountain, I’m always gonna wanna make it move. Always gonna be an uphill battle, sometimes I’m gonna have to lose.” These historic words of wisdom ring especially true for Americas Co-Rec softball team, the Mighty Purple Herd. It took an embarrassing effort last week in a humiliating loss to the scum of the league, the Rats, to refocus the Herd on its ultimate goal, and that is to sell Herd Managements car. While the car is still for sale, the Herd did restore order and return to its customary winning ways in a hard fought, emotionally and physically draining victory over the up and coming Wings from East Coast.
The game in itself did not begin on the field on this gloriously humid evening. Instead, it began in the most historic of all Pregame Festivity destinations at Foothills. It became clear from the beginning that The Fantasy, Erin Haneline would mentally and violently lift the once struggling Herd from its dark and destitute personal island of self pity and bring it back to its rightful place atop the co-rec softball nation. Fantasy toasted to the Herd and then took her game to the field where she womanhandled the upstart Wings with her mighty stick and cannon of an arm in Left Field.
The sensational magic from pregame festivities at foothills initiated by the fantasy carried over to the field. With the very first swing of the game, Bryan “Umpa Loompa Doopedy Doo, the best Chocolate Factory was version number 2” Timmons, ripped a stunning double to left center field. While Mr. Timmons is of course noted for his affinity for the 2 bagger, his taste in cult classics could use an upgrade.
Despite being conspicuously absent from Pregame Festivities, Goose Walkush turned in quite possibly the most astonishingly dominate pitching performance of his illustrious career. At one point in the 3rd inning, Walkush retired 19 consecutive Wings batters with his high arching curveball and his defensive squad firmly behind him. It is also of Herd Managements opinion that if the softball league every disbands, Goose would make a spectacular drill sergeant given his affinity for relentlessly pushing the Mighty Purps to new levels both on the basepaths and in the field.
Shannon Craft award was also at the very top of her game, giving the Herd a much needed lift from behind the plate with a League Of Their Own type performance from the catchers position. Award has also 100% guaranteed that she will be able to land the Herd first corporate sponsor since Hero House in 2003, a guarantee that she personally backs up with her heart and soul.
Heather “Why in the world do I call you ice cream?” Miller was as solid as the most recent episode of Glee at 2nd base last night. Miller inflicted so much fright and fear into the batters of Wings that the completely avoided hitting the ball to her all night long, for they know that an ball hit in her direction would be gobbled up like a delicious toasted grilled cheese/bacon sandwich from Foothills.
Sometimes, on dark and lonely nights, Herd management will look up into the night sky and pretend that the airplanes are shooting stars and make one wish right now, wish right now. That one wish is that Herd super star, Herd Legend, Herd Founder and Herd all time leading great Ashley Perdue would not only play a fantastic game, but would also rap in-between innings. That wish was granted last night as Ashley “Snoop Doggy” Perdue turned in one of the most epic offensive games slash rap efforts in Herd History. Herd Management was unable to contain his emotions as Snoop Doggy Perdue broke forth the rhythm and the rhyme that literally willed the Mighty Purp to victory.
One of the most eye pleasing events of the evening came during each and every one of Jennifer not Jessica “The Destroyer” Miller’s at bats. Miller put one of the most violent beatings on a 12” softball ever recorded in human history. Miller, sporting her nifty new #15 Herd Jersey, turned in one of her best performances in her young Herd career, going a nasty 4-4 at the plate and performing with honor in courage in right field, saving Herd Management from more utter embarrassment on numerous occasions.
There are simply no words at this point that could accurately describe what MVP Chris “Lex Lugar” Nix brings to the field. Nix is what the sports world likes to call “the total package” not only due to his Major League level of defensive ability at shortstop and his almost frightingly high level of offensive prowess, but his desire to personally sacrifice his time, effort and money to attend pregame festivities this season.
Herd Management is still in shock and awe that Chad “THE GAZELLE”TRIP ZERO”BIGGIE White was physically able to take the field last night after one of the most physically grueling pregame festivity performance ever seen in the history of pregame festivity. Not only was the big fella able to shake off that situation, he did it in style with several beautiful line drives to left center and a spectacular play at third base that brought back memories of last years Herd defensive performances. Also, Herd Management is going to recommend that Trip Zero bring a change of draw’s to each and every upcoming Herd event.

***Evening Awards***
The "Shannon Craft" award for being Shannon Craft goes to Johnny Depp for being the greatest Willie Wonka ever.

The "Redding/Haneline" award for most gut wrenching slide goes to Jenni from Mullen for being the victim of another dirtbag play by the dastardly rats.

The “Humanitarian” award goes to every team in the league not called the Rats

Random Herd Facts
Every time the Herd goes for a swim, dolphins appear.
The Herd lives vicariously through the Herd.
The Herd does not break wind. They destroy it.
The Herd coined the phrase “I see dead people” after the wait staff at Denny’s forgot its birthday.

Thank you for your continued support of Herd Athletics,
Michael Swaim Herd Administration
much happier bear

Friday, May 28, 2010

Ima Swing it this'a way. Ima Swing it that'a way. I'm Herdy Herd and Ima be here to stay

Game Notes:
Bla Bla Bla. Sweat Tea Flavored Custard. Ticks. Spiders. Racism. These are a few things that, if given the opportunity, Herd Management would physically and mentally destroy and banish from existence from this earth. You can now add The RA Lab rats to that List. On one of the hottest days of the season thus far, the dastardly Lab Rats literally reached into the inner softball soul of the Herd, spit on it, and then walked away with one of the most undeserving victories in the history of sports.
Despite the beautifully rendition of Kei$ha’s Your Love is My Drug sang by our very own Chad “Michael Bolton” Biggie Gazelle, the Herd was unable to overcome the arrogance, belligerence and overall lack of respect for Humanity by the Rats from RA. In a moment that summed up the evening, Pre Game King Bryan “Runs through fire, eats turkey legs afterwards” Timmons was so livid that he, for the first time in his career, skipped Post Game Festivities.
The Mighty Purple Herd did not go down without a fight however. Chris “Lost” Nixon and We$ “Please let the SS get in my way” Miller delivered all night long at an extremely high level both on offense and defense. A-Dub Perdue and Shannon Craft were also able to take advantage of their high level of softball fortitude to deliver late game hits that once again put the Herd in a position to win the game. Despite the triumphant return of Herd favorite, MVP Jessica Hendrix to the lineup, the Herd seemed to be lacking the fire that delivered two straight world championship trophies just one year ago.
Scott Walkush continues to swing a hot bat as well this year, driving in a game high 4 runs despite being tripped at first base by one of the Rats defensive players. Walkush was also the unfortunate victim of a conservative yet ever changing strike zone all afternoon long. Despite the pathetic showing by one of the leagues worse umps, Walkush did not walk a single batter and played spectacular defense.
Jessica Miller, recipient of a brand new used Herd Jersey for the first time in her career turned in yet another fabulous performance at first base and continues to literally rip the cover off of the softball. Labrats noticed that the cover had apparently been ripped from its core and made numerous requests to change out the ball in yet another show of supreme class by this group from RA.
Super Sister in law/Sister/Spouse Heather Miller is also not only stepping up her game each week, she is also stepping up her Pre/Post game Festivity attendance. It was an honor to learn that Miller is best friends with Chicago White Sox super sluggers Joe Crede, Ozzie Guillen, Carlos Lee, Bobby Thigpen and Frank Thomas from her tenure with the Old Winston Salem Dash squads from yesteryear.
Millers uber flamboyant sister, Erin “Fantasy” Haneline was also one of the brighter spots in an otherwise disgustingly dark, depressing, painful evening. The glove work in the outfield was a thing of beauty, as was her unadulterated hustle around the base paths. The Fantasy is what is good and right about not only the Mighty Purple Herd, but sports and even life in general.
Herd Management Mike Swaim was a paltry 5-5 at the plate with 6 triples, 3 home runs and 14 rbi’s. What you think you may have saw in that first at bad never happened. IT. NEVER. HAPPENED.

***Evening Awards***

The "Shannon Craft" award for being Shannon Craft goes to Bryan Timmons for being so visibly livid about the nights circumstances that he skipped Post Game Festivities.
The "Redding/Haneline" award for most gut wrenching slide goes to We$ Miller!! “That was beautiful. It looked like something off ESPN.”-Heather Miller

Random Herd Facts
I’ve got a fever, and the only cure…is more The Herd.
The Herd knows all there is to know about the crying game.
The Herd can tell how something tastes simply by touching it.
You can see the Herd’s charisma from outer space.

Thank you for your continued support of Herd AthleticsMichael Swaim Herd Administration P’d off bear

Friday, May 21, 2010

California Herd

Game Notes:
The BP Oil Spill. Gas Prices. Myspace. Megan fox fired from Transformers. Katy Perry’s mere existance. These are all of the most horribly horrific current events in the world today. You can add The Herd’s heart crushing loss to the undefeated YMC A’s to the top of that list. In a game that saw two of the greatest forces in the current co-rec softball universe collide like a mellow mushroom pizza into a tender large intestine, it was the YMC A’s that once again toppled the Mighty Purple Herd in extra innings by a score of 8-7.

At this point in the season, it would simply make more sense to allow the doubles master, Bryan “In tha face, IN THA FACE!” Timmons to start the game out on second base, because his leadoff doubles are as much of a sure thing as a tear jerking Miley Cyrus summer ballad.

Erin “The Fantasy” Haneline was an unlucky victim of superhuman like defense from the A’s, however that did not keep her from being the physical and emotional leader in the Herd Clubhouse as well at pre game festivities. The only questionable decision on the evening form Haneline came when she insisted on going 3 way on the last slice of pizza which doomed the intestines of Herd Management for the remainder of the evening.

Scott “The GOOOOOOOOSE” Walkush has emerged as the true leader of the club on both offense and defense. There simply is not a player in the entire league who can control a game like the Goose. 9 is playing at such a high level at this point in his Herd career that Herd Management considers himself fortunate to be allowed to play on the same field as this amazing physical specimen.

One of the most absolute defining moments in Herd History came just this season as the Might Purps were able to land free agent Jennifer “Don’t mess” Miller. Miller continues to provide brutally physical motivation to the Herd athletes on a game by game basis especially when it is needed the most. Not only are her motivational tactics a pure thing of beauty, her defense reminds Herd Management of a young Carlos Delgado at 1st base. Regardless of the outcome, J-Mill makes sure that the Herd will remain competitive in the most adverse conditions each and every game, despite playing sans jersey.

Herd Management is not sure there is a player swinging a more sizzling hot bat at this point in the season than Shane “Pepperoni is the new bacon” McLane. Mclane continues to deliver clutch offensive performances in each game, and his defense is improving faster than the 2nd season of Glee. Whle McLanes reckless baserunning continues to give Herd Management mini heart attacks, one can only look on with amazement as Shane O continues to successfully defy the laws of logic, angles and basic mathematical principles when it comes to baserunning.

One player that deserves super special accolades is Herd Super Star Heather “Old Crow Medicine Show” Miller. Miller took a shot in the upper thigh from an A’s left handed hitter that would have left lesser athletes disabled and would have even likely ended their career. Mrs. Miller is an exception to the rule. Not only did she return to the game to deliver a clutch 6th inning blast, she was able to score from 2nd base to tie the game in the bottom of the 7th. Herd Management will award the inaugural “Purple Heart” award to Miller at the end of the season for her heroic play despite numerous debilitating injuries.

Part of the culture of co-rec softball are uber star players like our very own C-Nix Christopher “FreakNix” Nixon. Nixon has emerged as perhaps the most dominating player of our time this season. Nixon turned in an emotionally uplifting 5 rbi night to go along with some of the most mind numbingly plays at short stop that you will ever see. Herd management also gives kudos to the fantastic Herd women who shared duties at 1st base, having to take a rocket launched from the mighty arm of CNix at least 2 -3 times per inning.

Herd Management is not sure what training regimen Shannon Craft award took part in over the off season, however it would be in the teams best interest for her to share that with them. It is simply awe inspiring the way Award continues to hit the ball pretty much wherever she wants to whenever she wants to. Shannon Craft Award has had more hits this season than Katy stupid Perry has had in her lifetime.

Another part of the softball culture is seeing athletes make plays that should be physically and mentally impossible. Our very own TZ, Chad “THE GAZELLE” White fits that mold. Biggies earth trembling scampers around the base paths have become something of a natural phenomenon. Herd management could literally take a lawn chair out to 1st base and watch Biggie run the base paths all day long. In some cultures, Biggies trods to 1st would be considered a natural aphrodisiac, or could potentially cure scabies or perhaps a mild case of exema.

One of the truly great spectacles in all of sports is the ever clutch play week in and week out from Herd superstar Ashley “A-DUB” Perdue. A-Dub’s remarkably clutch performance at the plate last night was a huge factor in the Herd being in a position to win the game in the 7th, along with her golden glove at 1st base. Herd Management is still convinced that the skinny ump missed the double play at first in the 3rd inning.

Herd management would like to welcome back to the Herd, after a 7 year hiatus, Mrs. Courtney “nickname forthcoming” Spence!! Courtney was another unfortunate victim of some of the most ridiculously lucky plays by the A’s defense last night, however it is blatantly obvious that Spence will be a valuable addition to our team in the coming weeks as we wind down toward the end of the season.

***Evening Awards***
The "Shannon Craft" award for being Shannon Craft goes to J-Mill for frightening Herd Management in the bottom of the 7th inning to the point of wetting his pants.

The "Redding/Haneline" award for most gut wrenching slide goes the mellow mushroom thin slice for literally wrenching our guts.

Random Herd Facts:

The Herd was the hunter who shot Bambi's Mother. They then wore her carcass like it was a coat while they made their rounds at the local children's hospital.

The Herd is not lactose intolerant, they just refuse to put up with lactose's crap.

The Herd can mathematically make two wrongs equal a right.

One time in an airport a guy accidently called The Herd "The Third". He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. The Herd accepted his apology and politely signed an autograph. Nine months later, the guy's wife gave birth to a Purple baby. The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself.

Thank you for your continued support of Herd Athletics
Michael SwaimHerd Administration

Friday, May 14, 2010

Herd Spirit

Last night, a thrown softball struck me in the face. Notice the coloration of this encounter - the Herd even gets injured in purple. I can't wait for next week...

One small step for man, one softball to the face for all mankind

Game Notes:
In a week that was witness to such horrific and mindless tragedies such as Glee, Jennie Stencel, Rogue Softballs to the Face, disturbingly disgusting groin injuries and Kei$ha that has made this world a dark dark place, The MIGHTY PURPLE HERD lit the world on fire with an awe inspiring 13-3 win over the Scrappy Mullens.

Bryan “Cheek Seams” Timmons once again got the party started with his 1st at bat, drilling a scorching double into left center field. Timmons was able to go a blustery 3 for 3 at the plate before what will go down in history as one of the most disturbing facial softball injuries forced him out of the game. Timmons partner at the top of the lineup Erin “Shake it Shake it Shake it Ohh Ohhhh!” Haneline flashed her Gazelle’esq speed on numerous occasions on this evening on offense. Herd Management was witness to one of the most emotionally rewarding displays of hustle in Herd History as The Fantasy scorched the baseline in the 3rd inning to beat out a sharp grounder to 3rd base to keep the inning alive.
Chad “Trip Zero” Biggie continued to swing a bat hotter than a Lady GaGa hit on this special night, however it was his focused play at 3rd base that left the spectators in shock and awe. Reigning MVP Jessica “FREAK” Hendrix was able to put a debilitating illness behind her to put on a show at 2nd base and continues to pick up clutch hits in clutch situations that a mere mortal softball superstar. Herd Management knows that when the Freak takes the field that the Herd will always have a chance to win.

One of the true bright spots on a night that had so many positives was the overall play of Heather “Don't call my name, Alejandro” Miller. Alejandro, yet another Herd superstar facing injury and illness has become the steadying force of the middle of the Herd lineup with her ever improving offensive repertoire. Millers smooth play at the plate and rock solid contributions on defense reminds Herd Management of a young Brittany Spears in the prime of her career, belting out hit after hit and bring so much joy to the lives of everyone she comes into contact with. Another force in the middle of the lineup is Shane “A-Rod” O’MCLANE. While Shane is currently in the midst of his hottest batting streak in his young Herd career, it is OMC’s relentless and sometimes disturbingly “tear your heart out and spit on it” mentality that sets him apart from the most famous trash talkers in the history of co-rec softball.

Herd Management can not say enough (or could he?) about the fortitude of the most amazing athlete ever to don the Majestic Purple, Mr. We$ “@#%^@!!!!” Miller. Less than one week after Miller suffered one of the most gruesome injuries in the prestigious history of Herd groins, Miller stepped up to the plate in the bottom of the 2nd inning and delivered one of the most cinematically scripted home runs ever witnessed. We$ conjured the ghost of 1988 Kirk Gibson and delivered most amazing and game defining home runs of the season.

Another Herd Superstar playing at or near the top of his game this season is CNIX “Hispanic All Star” Nixon. With the exception of one massive pop fly that literally drew rain, CNIX delivered a punishing execution of offensive fire power that had the Mullen Defense playing on the other side of the fence. CNIX has also become a valuable contributor to the ever popular PGF with his wisdom and wit that has ever PGF in attendance groveling at his feet for more. More of what is still to be determined.

In a night that was all about lighting the world on fire, no report would be complete without mentioning Jennifer “Ima bus yo face” Miller. Miller brings a level of intensity to the Glorious Herd that has never been seen in its illustrious history of existence. There are times when J-Mill is at bat that you can literally feel the vibrations of her rage and fury as she grips the bat, ready to attack the softball like a rabid alpaca in heat. Thank you, J-Mill, for being with us instead of against us.

Yet another player who continues her assault on the all time Herd record books is fan favorite, Shannon Craft Award. It is getting old writing about her typical 3-3, perfect defense, perfect demeanor, perfect attitude performance, so at this time, HM will make something up. Shannon Craft was physically attacked by a flock of wild bats on this evening, giving her super hero bat like instincts when the sun goes down. Shannon put her super hero powers into action during the 3rd inning when a rogue ice cream salesman attacked the field in an attempt to bring down Co-Rec softball. Shannon swooped down from her nesting area in left center field and was able to foil the potential terrorist attack. She then sold her guano in an effort to fund the Mighty Purple Herd for the fall season.

A very special player made Herd History on this evening. Ashely “don’t call me Chipper” Perdue set a Herd single game record last night by playing 9 of the 11 possible positions on the field without making an error in 5 innings. Ashley shrugged off her pre game defensive suspension and went out like any professional and simply dominated her sport.

Last nights player of the game goes to our beloved pitcher, Scott “Goose””I hide my softball success from my family” Walkush. Goose delivered yet another inside the park, 3 rbi home run on this evening that set the tone for another Herd Mercy Rule win. Over the past 4 games, Goose is batting a blustery .875 with 13 rbi’s. If the offense weren’t enough to make you drop to your knees in emotional admiration of this sensational physical specimen, Walkush also made some of the most prolifically amazing bare handed stabs from the mound that you will ever see. Herd Management is confident that if Goose and Herd Management ever went camping near a creek, that 9 could use his surgically precise stabbing technique to bring in a delicious bounty of fish from a nearby lake.

Herd News!
Next week we play the YMC A’s and their traveling A fanatics in a life defining game that will determine the 2nd half, and perhaps league champions. I would like for everyone to start physically preparing for this contest on Sunday, and then start mentally preparing for it on Tuesday. Also, Pre Game Festivus will be held at Mellow Mushroom beginning at 5:20.

***Evening Awards***
The "Shannon Craft" award for being Shannon Craft goes to Ashely Perdue for being Ashley Perdue, Shannon Craft, Biggie, Wes, CNix, Heather and Jennifer. You ARE THE SHOW!

The "Redding/Haneline" award for most gut wrenching slide goes to BRYAN TIMMONS for his softball to the face!

Random Herd Facts:
Indians believed cameras stole the souls of those it took pictures of because The Herd typically stored the stolen souls of his friends in a Nikon camera he bought from a 1-armed French prostitute.

Once a cobra bit The Herd’s leg. After 5 days of excruciating pain, the cobra finally died.

The Herd doesn’t believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever the Herd goes becomes a state of Emergency, and when the Herd leaves, they leave a State of Destruction.

The Herd enjoys a good practical joke. Their favorite is when he removes your lower intestine and makes a balloon animal out of it.

Thank you for your continued support of Herd Athletics
Michael Swaim|Herd Administration

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

How do you spell relief?

R-O-J-O. In case of pitching emergency, I think Herd Management should recruit Rojo Johnson.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Ale Ale-HERD-ro

Last night:
Herd 18 Energy 16
Mullen Less YMC A's More
Wings More Rats Less

YMCA v/s Rats Washington 4 6:30
Herd v/s Mullen Washington 4 7:30
Energy v/s Wings Washington 4 8:30

YMC A's 4-0
Lab Rats 3-1
Herd 3-2
Energy 1-3
ECW 1-3
Mullen 0-4

Absent Next Week:

Herd Notes:
Herd has finished above .500 in the 1st half for the 3rd consecutive season
Herd has scored the most runs of any team in the entire 1st half
Herd has had more celebrities to attend pregame festivities than any team in the league.

Game Notes:
In what Herd management considers the greatest non championship game night in his illustrious purple life, the MIGHTY PURPLE HERD rode the wave of the most magical pre game festivity ever to an epic win over the WS Energy’s by a final
score of 18-16.
Despite the conspicuous pregame absence from self proclaimed Herd Fanatic Maggie Ghylenhaal, the festivities got off to a fast start thanks to the musings from long time Herd supporter, Khang of Leon. Unfortunately, an overly aggressive group of Herd Fanatics became a little over excited and began giving the Glorious Purps a show for the ages. While super rookie Jennifer "JJ" Johnson received a slight neck strain from trying to obtain a more visually enhancing perspective for this interesting yet embarrassing display, it was Khangs of Leon who reaped the most benefits of being yet another celebrity Pre Game Festivity attendee. Also in attendance was local WXII 12 trafic correspondent, Jennie Stencel! Jennie, an obvious Herd Fanatic, was more than intrigued when offered a once in a lifetime opportunity to participate in a Herd game next week. It has recently come to Herd's attention however, that even though Jennie loves the Herd more than life itself, that any Herd representative, player, coach, or manager MUST stay at least 50 yards away from Mrs. Stencil at all times or face criminal prosecution to the fullest extent of the law. My bad.

On the field, it only took the Big Purps one inning to recover from the awesome car wreck of an adult rated pre game festivity. Falling behind 3-0 early, the MAJESTIC MIGHTY PURPS went wild in the bottom of the 1st inning, thanks in large part to We$ "BY GOSH FRIKIN" Miller's entrancing and life changing home run into the muggy night sky. Superstar Bryan "Pregame King, Doubles King, Leon King" Timmons got back to the basics Thursday and it paid off. Timmons' 3 doubles on the game makes him the most prolific doubles man in the history of co-rec or plan rec league softball history, moving him ahead of former 70's Softball superstar/disco champion Richard Lips. Congratulations to BT on this prestigious honor.
Not to be outdone on this glorious, yet overly saturated evening was the performance of Shannon "Gimp" Craft. Herd management can not remember a hotter streak of plate appearances not directly related to delicious Prime Rib delacies in the history of the League. Needless to say, Shannon Craft Award has stepped up in a huge way this season. Also continuing his monstrous season on this epic evening was Chad "THE GAZELLE" Biggie White. Going back through the scorebooks on the season, Herd Management could not be located where The Gazelle has not reached base in some capacity in every single game. While this stat may be slightly skewed due to the fact that The Privileged Herd rarely if ever actually keeps score, it is still worth noting. Also worth noting is the quite, romantic walk in the pitch dark from the field to the Herd-mobiles after the game last night that Herd Management was able to share with The Gazelle. We should do more of that. While infinitely dangerous and by most accounts not advised, it does help grow team unity and strength to be fearful for your life after any sporting event. Another red hot Herd Athlete both on the field and in our hearts is the official Herd song comer upper, Heather "ALE ALE-Jandro!" Miller. Mrs. Miller is notorious for many things, things such as coming to the field jacked up on Bojangles Ice tea, perverted jerseys (referred to as perjeys), playing softball good, but most notably, bringing a song to the field and firmly implanting said song into the weak, fragile mind of Herd Management, so it shall never escape. ALE ALEJANDRO!!
Defensively, this game was controlled from start to finish by what Herd Management considers the most overwhelmingly overall dominating presence on the field at any given time Scott "NOT SHANE!" "GOOSE" Walkush. Goose delivered a vast array of pitches on this evening that had the Energy batters confused and disoriented most of the evening. Not only did Goose once again deliver from the hill, he delivered from the plate, scattering the Energy pitches all over the WP3 outfield. Goose's partner in crime, Shane Mc"O MAC!" Clane turned in his best overall defensive performance of his young rookie year, making numerous clutch catches in the outfield and staying white hot at the plate. As it stands, The Irish Assassin is currently in 7th place in the Herd History books for batting average by a male rookie.
It was mentioned in an earlier report that Jennifer "my rock" Miller has been recently climbing the prestigious Herd Management's Popularity ladder for quite some time. Things were no different last night. Jennifer Miller led all women with rbi's, hits and runs scored on an evening where leaders such as her were able to shine like a brightly lit candle in a dark dark compensated night. Another bright, shinny star was The Fantasy, Erin Haneline. The Fantasy made a rare yet glorious appearance at Pre Game Festivities that literally set the tone for this amazing evening. Erin, a long time HM favorite, literally saved the game in so many ways last night, especially from the defensive side of the ball. Never before has Herd Management become so overjoyed with debilitating emotion after the series of defensive stops made last night by our own nightly Fantasy.
The story of the night belongs to two of the most physically intimidating game changers in the Long, Drawn Out, sometimes even overbearing History of the MIGHTY PURPLE HERD, Amanda Redding and Jennifer Johnson. In a time when the Herd was struggling to produce runs, make routine defensive plays, and just seemed to lack the overall will to live, it only took one appearance last week from Redding to turn around a season that was thought to be lost. Redding infused her unique style and grace on a team that was lacking an identity, and single handily turned them back into legitimate challengers for their 3rd consecutive championship. Also contributing heavily to the Herd Turn Around is our 2nd Raleigh Athlete, Jennifer "J-Dub" Johnson. J-Dub brought a spark to pregame festivities not seen since former Herd Superstar, Sac, was able to single handily destroy a Foothills sampler and STILL be physically able to perform at an absurdly high level that evening. J Squared became just the 23rd Herd Rookie to get a base hit in her very first at bat AND make a crucial rally ending play in the outfield. Herd Management would like to thank you for your contributions and welcomes you back with open arms to The Herd Nation!!

Herd News!
While things did not go exactly as planned for the 1st half, we are obviously one of the best teams in the league and still have a valid chance to win the championship if we can drive through the 2nd half of the season unscathed. We start our season next week v/s Mullen at 7:30 with a 0-0 record.

***Evening Awards***
The "Shannon Craft" award for being Shannon Craft goes to Scott Walkush for being Shane McLane.
The "Redding/Haneline" award for most gut wrenching slide goes to AMANDA REDDING!!!! Amanda slides into 3rd base. Amanda slides into home. Most importantly, Amanda slides into our hearts.
The “Peeping Tom” award goes to Jennifer Johnson!! We’ll get you a better seat next time.

Random Herd Facts:
The Herd never say’s anything taste like chicken… Not even chicken.
The Herd once had an awkward moment, just to see how it feels.
Even the Herd’s enemy’s list them as there emergency contact.
The Herd once knew a call was a wrong number, even though the person on the other end wouldn't admit it.
The Herd once challenged a mirror to a starring contest. The mirror gave up out of sheer intimidation.

Thank you for your continued support of Herd Athletics
Michael Swaim|Herd Administration

Friday, April 30, 2010

Say Herd, Say Win, Say it together, Naturally

Game Notes:
Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, the Once Mighty, Then Blundering, Then Mighty again PURPLE BY GOSH HERD overcame more obstacles than the Gosselin children last night in route to a heart felt 18-17 win over the Wings from East Coat. Former Herd Legends Amanda Redding and 9's, John Chappell were on hand Thursday evening to inspire the struggling Purps to a very hard fought, yet well deserving win. The evening began with an emotional, uplifting speech about lawn care and lawn machinery by Herd Super Fan Maggie Gyllenhaal and her partner, Jenny McCarthy. From this point forward, when Herd Management sees a freshly cut outfield or a tattoo inside someone's lip, he will always be reminded of Maggie Gyllenhaal and Jenny McCarthy.

One of the Herd's shortcomings through the first 3 games was the lack of offensive production. On this evening, the Purpleless Herds would regain their offensive prowess in a big way, dropping 18 runs on the defensive minded Wings. La velada tuvo un inicio interesante, con El Chris De Nixon ~ al abrir por primera vez en su carrera Hato La. Nixon no decepcionarlo, va 3-4 con juego de mĂșltiples cambios de carreras impulsadas. Heather "Inappropriate but AWESOME!" Miller was perhaps the most awe inspiring player of the evening, splattering the outfield with base hit after base hit despite still recovering from two of the most brutally disgusting hamstring injuries ever seen. Batting behind Heather, We$ "the exclusive reason we cant have pajama day next week" Miller was put in a position to succeed mightily, driving in a game high lot of runs and proving to Herd Management Pajama day would be a horribly tragic idea. Also contributing at an absurdly high level at the plate was Moe Craft Award. Moe reached base in 3 of her 4 at bats and continues to be a staple on the team and in our hearts. Bryan "unanimous awesome t shirt winner" Timmons, moved to the middle of the batting order for the first time since 1983 produced all night long in a big way. Timmons night was jam packed with the following events that a normal human being could not accomplish in a week, much less CPT(its ok, our waiter said we can use it): down an entire chicken, nachos, fried pickles, multiple beverages, bring in an amazing pregame crowd, play perfect defense in the outfield, drive in multiple runs and STILL forget his glove at the field and retrieve it hours later. A very special Herd acknowledgement goes out to Ashley "1/2 Woman 1/2 Amazing" Perdue for not only her high level of clutchitude down the stretch v/s Wings, but also bringing in the bearer of what has become the most legendary softball athlete of our time, her mom! What is even more amazing is that Mom-o-Legend was able to show up to the field hours before AP. Way to keep everyone on thier toes!!
Super Star Pitcher Scott "gas man" Walkush turned in what may very well be the most inspirational performances of the decade, playing with 2 ripped quads, a torn groin, an ACL sprain and a terrible case of the scurvy. None the less, Walkush was able to come in cold off the bench to provide instant offense and clutch pitching in relief to pick up his 2nd win and 1st save of the season.
Jennifer "You're the meaning in my life, your the inspiration" Miller continues to climb the ever popular ladder of awesomeness on a game by game basis not only with her tear jerking performance on the softball field, but also her performance OFF the field. Not only does she take the time to build character to Herd Management's facebook account, she also does many other things that I dont know about and do not have the time to make up, that makes this world a better place to live on a daily basis.
A very special bucket of kudos must be handed out to Our Fantasy, Erin "Say you, Say me, Say it together, Naturally" Haneline. Not only was fantasy solely responsible for the most amazingly historic t-shirt day Herd promotion in the history of our purple universe, she was also responsible for the game tying run in the bottom of the 7th inning that thrusted our beloved Herds to victory. Add those accomplishments to her recent pinch running endeavors and her skinned knees for the wedding this weekend, and I think we can all agree, The Fantasy is what dreams are made of.

Three very special Herd Game Balls must be presented to the following athletes: The 1st game ball goes to The Gazelle Biggie Chad White. Biggie has become one of the most devastating hitters in the league, and combined with is blinding speed and Purple Socks, he has solidified himself as a legitimate candidate for post season Herd MVP. Biggie was HUGELY "pun intended" responsible for the 8th inning rally to lead the Purps past the wings. Not to be overshadowed by Biggie's accomplishments is 2009 Jessica "Its a very snoopy Christmas!" Hendrix! Hendrix shook off a last minute exit from last weeks game to come back this week with blazing fury. Herd Management does not even want to begin to think about where this team would be without the masterful artwork that Jessica brings to every single game. The last but not least game ball goes to Mr. Clutch, Shane O' Mac Pitcher, EH, 3rd Baseman, Outfielder do everything McLane. Shane delivered the most devastating 3 run triple in Herd History this season, tying the game at 17 in the bottom of the 8th inning. Without that slab of clutch, Herd would have gone home empty handed yet again.

Herd News!
It is of Herd Management's opinion that The Mighty Purple Herd has earned their Purple back with the effort Thursday night, HOWEVER, if anyone has any promotional ideas that they would like to share, Herd Management will listen.

***Evening Awards*** (once again limited due to the loss)

The "Shannon Craft" award for being Shannon Craft goes to Amanda Redding for being Amanda Redding

The "Redding/Haneline" award for most gut wrenching slide goes to AMANDA REDDING!!!! She just has to show up to win this award. A close 2nd place goes to CNix for one of the dustiest slides in the history of Herd Sliding.

The "Order has been Restored" award goes to AMANDA BY GOSH REDDING!!!! for no reason inparticular!

Random Herd Facts:
The Herds personality is so magnetic, they are unable to carry credit cards.
The Herd can speak fluent Russian
The Herds charm is so contagious, vaccines were created for it.
When Aliens abduct the Herd, they ask The Herd to probe THEM
The Herd is a lover, not a fighter. But they are also a fighter so don't get any ideas.

Thank you for your continued support of Herd Athletics

Michael Swaim | Herd Administration
Happy Bear!

Monday, April 26, 2010

Changin' Things up a Little

As you may or may not know, Herd management is in the sewer as far as mental happiness regarding the season thus far for the Beloved Herd. A punishment was handed down Friday asking that each Herd athlete shelve his or her Herd jersey for this upcoming contest with the wings. Thanks to the ever bubbly personality of The Fantasy, Erin Haneline, this punishment has been transformed into what I consider to be the most epic event in Herd History.

This Thursday my friends, instead of wearing our normal Herd Jerseys, we will wear the most ridiculous, embarrassing and or ugly t shirt that we own for our game with the Wings. For example, some will be wearing the ever famous "Tuxedo" t shirts, while others will be wearing Faux Christmas Sweater T Shirts or even 70's Lionel Ritchie T shirts! THE CHOICE IS YOURS!!!

If this does not get us back in the win column, Herd Management will resort to paddling those with poor performances.