Friday, May 11, 2012

Herd's a Champion

Herd 15, Flex 5
Everyone else: Who cares, we won!  Woohoo!

7:30 vs. Lit'l Ms Tidy on WP #4
Pregame Festivities: YES! Location: TBD

Bueller?  Bueller???

In the timeless words of the 2 Skinnee J's,

Pass the baton to the next and run along
Try a mile in my shoes
and get used
to the phenomenon
On and on like a triathalon
Step to podium, whose the real champion

You're a Champion
You're a Champion
You're a Champion
You're a Champion

Yes, Herd.  We are, indeed, champions for at LEAST 6 more days.  On a crisp spring evening, the excitement of celebrity stalking, pregame samplers, and iPhone DJ Chad "Biggie Gazelle" White all grew into a crescendo of energy that delivered the mighty Purps to victory for the first time in this now half-done Spring season.  It tasted nice, didn't it?  Like a grilled pimento cheese sandwich (or was that just my indigestion?).

The game started, well, way better than the 7 - 10 run hole we normally start in.  The battery of Goose and Ket (and the best umpire of all time) would prove to be unstoppable, as Rose charmed batters into complacency and the General racked up a league-leading 2 strikeouts.  The momentum of solid play in the field would urge the Herd bats out of their normal early game slumber, as the Purps would tally 4 (or so) runs in the first inning alone.  Inspired again by the blistering bat (and diving acrobatics in LCF) of John "Sparkles" Spivey, who's home run streak grew another game, the rest of the Herd would follow suit.

Erin "Fantasy" Haneline?  17 RBIs
Heather "Ice" Miller? A walkoff slapshot down the first baseline that would have made Wayne Gretzky jealous.
Christopher "Freak" Nixon? You didn't split any balls this evening.  Shame on you.

After grabbing the lead, the Herd would hold on tight, anchored by solid play at 2B by Downtown Kyle Brown and Ashley "Legend/Scoop/Excellence" Purdue at 1B.  After first injuring his esophagus, then wrist, THEN ankle, Bryan "Doubles" Timmons finally got some relief from Herd Management who promptly came in and smacked the yellow off the ball.  Then ran laps around the field as if to say, "I'm running a marathon in November, can you sponsor me?".

As with all great victories, this was a team effort.  Let's ride the wave and pull off the giant upset next week to start the second half of the season, mmmmkay Herd?


The Shannon Craft Award for being Shannon Craft award goes to...Shannon Craft!  She wasn't even at the game, she's just that good.

The Redding/Haneline award for most gut-wrenching slide goes to...Erin Haneline!  You're grace, dignity and willingness to play in the dirt never ceases to amaze.

The Herd Management's Spirit award goes to...Herd Managment!  See what happens when you come in?  We win.  Thanks for not making us beg you to play.  Go ahead and plan on starting next week.

Random Herd Facts:

The Herd rejects your reality and substitutes it with its fist.

The Herd once won a staredown contest blindfolded..... over the phone, without even dialing a number.

Mick Jagger has the Moves like Herd.

When the Herd says 'Candyman' five times in a row, no one appears. Candyman ain't dumb.

Friday, May 4, 2012

Like Sands through an hourglass, so are the days of our Herd


Herd 6 Flow 17

Next Week: 

Absent Next Week:?

On the Edge of Glory:
 time since 2007 that the Mighty Purple Herd has begun a season 0-3.
The Herd is 0-3 this year when scoring fewer runs than their opponent.

Game Notes:

Dyson Vacuum’s.  Wake Forest Basketball.  No TP after Mexican.  A life without ever experiencing the entire Marcy Playground library.  These things all suck.  Hard.  Nothing however can compare to the complete suckocity of being in last place after 4 weeks of the Spring Season.  As has always been the case with the Herd, this team’s heart runs far deeper than wins and loses.  Its personalities such as Shannon Craft Award and her steady, consistent demeanor that  matches her talent at the plate.  Her bat, always solid, was limited by the superhuman machine at shortstop on this evening. 
One of the most pleasant surprises of this early season is the play of Rose “Ket” Ketner.  Ket has improved by leaps and bounds from her days as the dictator of the dastardly Compensateds.  If the improvement continues at this pace, she will be on the course for legen…wait for it…dary status.
“Downtown” Kyle Brown turned in one of the most magnificent efforts at 2nd base in many moons last night, despite playing on one knee.  It was not only the complete control of 2nd base that was impressive, but her ability to shrug off the completely stoned kid walking to the car was nothing short of amazing.  Yes kid, I did hit a home run over the dog fence and into a dogs face.  The dog was fine.  You sir, are not.
There is nothing that warms the heart and mind more than the pure domination of 1st base by the Legend, Ashley Perdue.  AP continues to be robbed of base hits by superhuman machine shortstops, however her play at first is nothing short of dazzling.  People in the stands were actually referring to her as the Backho because she was digging everything out of the dirt.  I’m not sure how to spell backho, but a backho is a piece of machinery that digs stuff.
There simply is not a woman in the league at this current moment in time that is hitting the ball harder and with more force that Heather “Ice” Miller.  The only thing stopping Ice from batting in the upper 800’s this season is superhuman machine shortstops.  Ice has already accomplished the Herd trinity of positions, playing 3 different positions in 3 games this season.  Some may chalk this up to poor management, and they would be right, but others would put this in the category of tremendous versatility.

Fantasy Report:

Due to the fact that Fantasy called out Herd Management for being lazy a few weeks ago (rightly so), she has earned her own section of the Herd report.  Fantasy has become so dominate in the outfield that teams are intentionally hitting the ball in the opposite direction.  Fantasy has become the Dikembe Mutombo of the outfield at this point.

At this point there are no objectives that exist in the human language that can properly give Scott “Goose” Walkush the respect and admiration that he deserves.  Has anyone ever given more to anything than Goose does the Herd?  The only things that come to mind that would be comparable are the musical gifts that LMFAO has given to the world over the last few years.  That said, I’ve never seen LMFAO lose their voice screaming at players to run it out to 1st base.

Speaking of running it out, as was evident last night, there is no more perfectly beautiful creature running the bases that our very own Biggie Trip Z Gazelle.  Trip turned at least 3 singles into doubles last night, despite playing against a superhuman machine robot at shortstop.  Sunsets at the beach and Gazelle rounding 1st base are truly the 2 most remarkable spectacles ever crated.

Flow wasnt the only team on this evening to sport a superhuman machine robot at shortstop.  The Mighty BY GOSH FRIKIN I DON’T CARE WHAT OUR RECORD IS WE STILL ROCK YOUR FACE OFF Purple Herd sport their very own super human machine robot at shortstop, and our doesn’t have the personality of a dead oak tree.  Freak Nix brings the freak every single night and makes plays at short that Jose’ “you suck” Reyes can only dream of.  I’m not ashamed to admit that I love Freak Nix…and you should too.

While for the most part the Herd bats have been stagnant all year long.  That can NOT be said for our defiant Sparkles.  Despite giving Flow 3 runs by allowing the inept Herd Management to play RC instead of him, in turn allowing an embarrassing ground ball to graze the right daddy part of said HM, Sparkles continues to be the biggest offensive contributor on the team.  If he isn’t crushing the rear window of station wagons sitting 40 yards behind center field, he is burning left fielders with scorching rockets sent flying through the humid night.

Herd Management hasn’t had an official opportunity to express his utmost greatfullness in having Doubles back on the roster full time. Doubles brings not only a very high level of ability to the team, he also brings a very high level attendance to the required yet not attended pre game festivities.  He is also doing this:  Timmons Rules! Click Here to see why and how

Herd Management was overcome with emotion upon seeing the PGF attendees yesterevening.  David Allred and Maggie “Candy” Ghyllenhaul are two of the most dedicated and tremendous Herd Athletic Supporters.  It is truly the case that without these two fine individuals that the entire Herd Enterprise would not continue to exist.  I can not, nor do I want to envision a world in which Allred and Ghyllenhaul are not a part of the Herd Nation. 

The Shannon Craft award for Being Shannon Craft goes to Biggie.  Biggie has never won this award, however he was so Shannon Craft last night.  So so Shannon Craft.

The “Herd Pride” award goes to Downtown Kyle Brown.  Downtown’s constant infield chatter made it increasingly difficult for Flow to score their hard earned 14 runs and easier earned 3 runs due to the embarrassing faux pas
 by HM in RC.

The Haneline Miller Slide award goes to Freak Nix!  My heart melts everytime we try to break up a double play.

Random Herd Factoids:
As a toddler, the Herd taught others to walk.
At a bookstore, others crowd around the Herd just to watch them read.
If a monument were built in the Herd honor, Mt. Rushmore would close due to poor attendance.
The Herd’s cereal NEVER gets soggy.  It just sits there, staying crispy.
The Herd can speak French, in Russian