Friday, September 24, 2010

I was there and I saw what Herd did..I saw it with my own two eyes!


Aon 11 Boogerpickers 15
Herd 11 Sum n not so special 7
YMCA 19 Boogerpickers 9

Next Week:
6:30 Sum N Not So Special v/s Outsource BLUM
7:30 YMCA v/s Herd BLUM
8:30 Winner of Sumn/Aon v/s Groomingdales

Absent Next Week:?

Herd On a Mission:
Herd has secured a spot in the championship day on October 7th.
Herd needs only to beat YMCA to clinch at least a 2nd place trophy.

Game Notes:
On one of the most magically and mysterious full moon evenings of the decade, the once Mighty, then Blundering then Mighty again Purple Herd stunned the world by ousting the oversized juiceheads from Sum n Special by a final score of 11-7 in what promises to be a game the historians will look back upon millions of years from now to describe how softball should be played.

It was the Herd Women who injected a life-size bottle of heart into the struggling Herd. Herd Favorite Shannon Craft Award came up HUGE on several occasions, driving in several of the most clutch runs of her prestigious career.

Jeni from Mullen fell victim to the unfortunate Herd Management substitution pattern only getting one at bat on the night, however her contributions were felt deeply within the moral fibers of Herd Administration, as she was able to keep a very neat and tidy scorebook, one that could actually be read and comprehended by others outside of the Herd Management Mind.
Another victim of the dastardly substitution was the destroyer, J-Mill. Mill has secured her spot as one of the overall best 2nd basewoman in all of the league but that was not where the Mill excelled on this glorious evening. Mill’s pre bat motivational techniques were inspirational, intense and indeed, a bit frightening.

One Herd woman who has lifted her game higher than Lindsey Lohan at a get out of jail early party is Herd Superstar Heather Miller. Miller delivered at the plate all night long going a blustery 3-3 at the plate with at least 3 runs scored. Not only did Miller scorch Hanes Hosiery with her heroic play all night long, she brought in a replacement for the absent We$ “bgf” Miller that will change the direction of the Purple Herd for the rest of eternity. Welcome to the squad Jackson.

Adding an element of intimidation and pure unadulterated smack talk to the Mighty Purple Herd this season and especially last night is Herd Rookie, the hero, Lauren Hunt. While it seemed that the ump was making horrible call after horrible call, it was the Hero that made sure he knew about it, launching a Herd laced tirade in the direction of the man in blue to make sure that if he made another call as horrible as the last, he should indeed fear for his life.

It was the play of two very special Herd women last night however, that catapulted the Big Purps into the semi finals with their tear jerkingly amazing play. Our Legend, Ashley “No Hits since Japan” Perdue broke out of a Okinawa size self proclaimed slump with 2 of the most crucial hits of the Herd season last night, giving the Herd the lead in two different innings. Not only was Perdue Hotter than Brittney Spears guest appearance on Glee next week at the plate, her glove work at 1st defiantly secured the win for the Prestigious Purps.

Also breaking out in a big way last night was our glorious Fantasy, Erin Haneline. Haneline has had a goal of physically removing the oppositions catcher from the game since her inception into the Tar Heel league many years ago, and last night she realized that dream, beaming the vaunted Sum N catcher right in the upper mommy parts, making her realize that catching while the fantasy is batting is reserved for only the most durable and unbreakable of athletes.

While the Herd Women carried the load all night long for the Big Purps, the Herd Gentlemen also held their own.

Not only did The Gazelle hold down 3rd base despite playing in a dust cloud that would make the Arizona Deserts jealous, Trip Zero’s pre pre game festivity of Bohangeles’ was a bold decision that paid off in a number of ways all night long. Another huge Biggie contribution was his willingness to hit it to the left fielder all night, wearing her down for the late game situations and rendering her basically useless for the remainder of the contest.

Pregame festivity superstar slash 2009 Herd MVP Chris Nixon was yet again a beast with a bat last night. Nix’s 5 rbi’s led the way and his vacuum like defense at short ensured that the sum’ns would not escape the Mighty Herd with another win. The strength and determination was undoubtedly fused into the body C-Nix during PGF when he made the revelation that Finnegans puts cucumbers in its water. It is moments like this that show you that Herd PGF is not only a moment of beauty and grace, it is also a moment of weirdly combined food groups that help you play better.

Another Pre game Superstar, Bryan “Doubles, but last night the singles were just as amazing” Timmons, still riding high from the emotional Double Rainbow moment from last week was literally on fire all night at the plate. Timmons was 4-4 with too many rbi’s to count and was literally all over the place in right center field. For the record, Doubles is batting .925 from the leadoff spot this season, indeed a Herd Record and a THL Record as well. All records are kept securely in the mind of Herd Administration, where they can be easily recollected and accessed at any time.

By far the brightest star in the sky and on the field last night was our beloved C-Dub. Dub had a MONSTER game, exhibiting the most devastating cannon arm in Herd History last night, doubling up the freak sum n left fielder to secure the 1 run lead in the 4th inning. That one play will and should be forever seared into the minds and memory of us all, leaving no doubt that our Dub is overall the most complete package of a softball player even in existence.


Seriously though, Herd Administration had a nightmare about what things for the Herd would be like without the contributions of what is considered to be the overall best player in the league. The nightmare consisted of being forced out of the league and to play with compensated, then after Herd Administration’s wife left him for Todd Barr, HM would then be forced to care for the Barr/Swaim lovechild and bring him up into a world with no Herd, No Fantasy and most importantly no Goose. Please Goose, never leave me.

The “Bring it” Herd Spirit award goes to J-Mill and Hero for their unadulterated primal screams before, during and after each inning of this Epic Herd Contest
The “Shannon Craft Award” for being Shannon Craft goes to Jackson Miller for being Wes Miller!!

The “Hide yo kids Hide Yo Wife” award for being so intimidating running the bases that the punk sum n special infield complained about putting his hands on his head to avoid getting hit IN THA FACE AWARD goes to Doubles Timmons for doing just that

Random Herd Factoids:
Many children enjoy games like jump rope, tiddlywinks and marbles. As a child, The Herd enjoyed killing people with jump rope, tiddlywinks and marbles.

The Herd likes its meat so rare that they only eat unicorns.

If the Herd were to punch you in the face, you would have to fight off the urge to thank them.
The Herd once sent $2,000 to a Nigerian scammer and actually received their $2.7 million inheritance.

The Herd once started a fire using dental floss and water.

Thank you for your continued support of Herd Athletics,

Michael Swaim Herd Adminstration

Friday, September 17, 2010

Ohhhh Ohhhhh, Your Herd is on Fire!

Game Notes:
The Night Belongs to Lovers…but last night belonged to the Goose, Sergeant Scott Walkush. On an evening where the Herd couldn’t seem to sustain any sort of substantial offensive explosion, it was our Captain Walkush who led the charge with a career high 3 home runs and 19 rbi’s on the Herd’s 3rd multi game night of the season that lead the Mighty Purple Herd to its first two game sweep of the season and secured a .500 record on the year. Great job young turk!

While Walkush was indeed one of the most dominating specimens since Kate Gosling’s fertility injections, the beloved and fantastic Fantasy Haneline was able to shoulder the load for the women, knocking in a paltry 11 runs herself on the evening. It wasn’t so much the dominating performance by Fantasy that was so beautiful, it was the complete and unadulterated hustle on every single play that made Herd management feel all warm inside.

While the Mighty Purple Herd has struggled to regain its dominating demeanor for the biggest part of the season, there was one special moment in this game that may go down as the turning point of the season. While many believe this moment came when Herd Managements shorts fell down on his trounce down to first base, it indeed is not the moment. The moment came in the 4th inning of the same v/s the Drunken Soccer Players when our favorite transfer, Jeni from Mullen came out of the dugout with a burning hatred fuming in her deep purple eyes. A hatred not seen since the days of the Compensated rivalry. It is of Herds management’s belief that this hatred spewed over into the entire team, single handedly willing them to victory.

Another Herd player with fire in her eyes and fury in her heart was J-Mill. The Mill has been on an absolute tear this season, both at the plate and at the 9 different positions she has played defensively throughout the course of the year. J-Mill is now the 1st rookie in Herd history to play 4 positions on the same night and in the same game. While Mull struck fear into the heart of Herd Administration upon her arrival in some of the most intimidating doctor looking wardrobe, her calming yet dominating influence on all 2 games was indeed a much needed mind relieving experience all night long.

In a pregame speech with Fantasy, it was determined that when the city of Winston Salem finally erects a statue in the Honor of its beloved Purple Army, the statue will indeed take on the perfectly silent, yet dominating appearance of The Show, C- Dub. Dub has inspired so many of us in so many different ways throughout the years. At least 4 of the Herd athletes are currently trying to emulate his batting stance and overall outlook on life.

One player who is quickly becoming a Herd Icon is our utility player, our biggie, and our gazelle, Chad Biggie White. When Herd Management was recollecting the happenings of this epic double-header victory, it was the overall play of our Biggie that seemed to stand out like a beautiful Rhinna/Eminem compilation. The Gazelle played a flawless 3rd base and pitched a gem for the first 4 innings of the Aon contest.

One of the most physically intimidating and down right frightening figures in the history of the Herd..ney…they History of the league this year is our uber slugger, Wes by gosh frikin Miller. Not much can be said about Miller’s skill set or contributions to this team that hasn’t already said, however one moment in the beloved career of Miller occurred in the 1st game last night when this creature literally ate the hard rubber knob off of a bat. Ate a rubber knob. Off of a bat. Let that settle in for a minute.

It was a long and hard, yet uber productive day for Herd Rookie, Lauren “Hero” Hunt. Hunts pregame ambitions were dully noted via iphone video, however it was her in game dedication that was most influential to the entire Herd team. The reputation of the Hero has obviously been spread throughout the league due to the fact that the Doodlebugs REFUSED to hit a ball anywhere near her all night long.

In softball, superstition is the norm. Some women will not step on the chalk while coming off of the field, while some guys on our team love to wear womens underwear. One of the most superstitious players on our team however, is Doubles Timmons. Never before has Herd Management seen one natural event such as a Double Rainbow turn around the season of not only one individual such as Timmons, but the entire Purple Herd team. Double Rainbow. What does it all mean? Wins. Double wins. That’s what it means. All the way.

Mortal words and phrases simply can not quantify the true love and compassion Herd management has for the All Time Herd Great, Ashley A-Dub Perdue. A-Dubs contributions to this mighty Herd nation do not come from her mind blowing stats alone. No. A-Dubs impact is felt far beyond the softball field. If Things are tight, Dub will put on a stand up comedic routine that rivals that of comedic great Asis Ansari to loosen up the team. If the Herd needs to score the runner at 3rd, A Dub will calmly drop a single in behind the 1st baseman. And if the Herd needs a stop, the mighty power glove work of our beloved Franchize Perdue will make the play. Respect.

Finally, Herd Management would like to give a sincere and heart felt shout out to the most prolificly amazing player on the roster, one Mrs. Heather Haneline Ice Cream Miller. Miller comes to the game with a mindset that she is going to sacrifice her heart, body and soul for the betterment of The Purple Good and last night was no exception. With a beautiful swan dive into 3rd base in one of the most critical situations of the entire year, Ice Cream has solidified herself as a True Herd Legend that dreams are made of. Millers bat has so dramatically improved since the first of the year that teams across the nation are in shock and awe of such majestic greatness.

The “Shannon Craft award for being Shannon Craft” goes to Wes By Gosh Frikin Miller for being the Herd Profit, always knowing what is going to happen before it happens can save the life of Herd Administration.

The “Haneline/Miller devastating slide” award goes to HEATHER MILLER for her crucially perfect 3rd base jab.

Random Herd Facts:

When the Herd was nine, they dressed as themselves to go trick-or-treating. The Herd came home with a bag full of candy, a bag full of miniature liquor bottles, an Irish Setter, and two underage prostitutes carrying more of their candy.

The Herd was the first person to walk up to a cow and say, “Whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze them, I’m drinking!”

The Herd is the life of parties they never even attended.

Once, the eye of a passing hurricane winked at the Herd.

Thank you for your continued support of Herd Athletics,
Michael Swaim Herd Administration

Friday, September 10, 2010

Do you remember the time?....

Games Last Night:
YMCA 17 Herd 7
Sum 7 Aon 0
Groomingdales More Aon Less
Ymca more Aon Less

Games Next Week:
Herd v/s Groom W4 6:30
Herd v/s Outsource WF 8:30

Random Notes of Failure:

The Herd has a 4 game losing streak against one team for the 1st time in Club History.
The Herd can finish no higher than .500 for the first time in 5 years.
The Herd has been mercy ruled in 3 consecutive games for the first time in Club History.

With 4 wins in the tournament, the Herd can still repeat as Fall World Champions! DON’T STOP BELIEVIN…..

Absent Next Week:
For the love of all that is good and right in this world, please, everyone be here.

Game Notes:
In perhaps the greatest showing of team unity and fan support in the history of the once Mighty Purple Herd, Family De La Walkush put on one of the most completely dominating pregame festivity tailgate parties in the history of Co-Rec softball. Not only did this event bring awareness to the Herd struggles, it was thought to be a preventative measure to ensure that nothing so disastrous as being mercy ruled 2 games in a row would ever happen again. Fans from miles away came to participate in this epic event, complete with fantastubulous hot dogs, pizza and assorted beverages from the prestigious Gatorade family. When Herd management looked up to the parking lot from his post on Field 3, he could not help but to become overcome with emotion and simultaneous jubilation. Also of note: Scotts Birthday. Happy.

The fun did not stop there. The Mighty Herd returned to 2009 mid season form early in the showdown with the YMCA’s, going up 7-3 thanks to an amazing all around effort by the entire Haneline/Miller family. Wes “BGF” Miller got his first career Herd start in LC and needless to say, he did not disappoint. Despite almost getting plowed over by one of the most intimidating physical specimens in the history of the Herd Outfield in Herd Administration, Wes was able to make numerous ESPN’esq plays in the outfield to accompany his 4-4 at the plate including one of the most skull crushing home runs you will ever see. Heather “Purple makes everything Glorious” Miller also brought her A game on this amazing evening, going a glorious 3-4 at the plate along with several crucial put outs in her 1st start in LF of the season. It was not the on the field contributions that make Ice Cream one of the most beloved Herd Athletes of our or any generation, it is her off the field attributes that catapult her into a different stratosphere. Tonight’s contribution: Magic Purple Silly Bands. Sensational.
The 3rd member of the Haneline/Miller quartette, J-Mill continues to show Herd administration what a waste of the last 33 years has been without her on the Herd Roster. J-Mull is the steadying force in the batter’s box and has become one of the most feared 2nd base/first base women in the entire league with her Stephie Graph’esq grunt each time she decapitates a softball into left field.

Another Herd rookie superstar, Jeni Mullen is starting to truly develop her Herd legs at this point of the season. Despite playing for 9 different teams last night, she left her heart, mind, body and soul with the Herd, beating out several ground balls with her Mullen like speed and holding down Left Field as could only be expected from a Superstar League Veteran such as herself.

One of, if not THE hottest female bats rests souly on the mighty shoulders of one Ms. Shannon Craft Award. There has not been one single night this year that Awards bat wasn’t as sizzling hot as a delicious Justin Beiber single and last night was no exception. Shannon was able to drive in a clutch run in the top of the 1st inning that gave the Mighty Herd a cushion for the rest of the night.

Another silent Herd legend, our very own Chris Pfohl was able to put off his duties running the most prestigious night club in the entire metropolitan area last night to lend the Herd a helping hand in its greatest time of need and as always Chris “Worry about the 1st, get the rest later” Pfohl was up to the task especially with the metal in his hand. Phol took it upon himself to literally, completely and undoubtedly DESTROY the 1st basewoman for the already shorthanded A’s. The rockets launched from the mighty bat of Pfhol had the 1st basewoman quivering in a pile of her own fear induced vomit all night, and it was indeed a thing of beauty.

The Legend of all Herd Legend, Ashley “you are the reason I have grey hairs” Perdue continued her amazing streak of giving Herd Management grey hairs last night, arriving literally 4 seconds prior to to the game. Ashley dismissed her duties at work in a very similar way that she dismisses the mental stability and mindset of Herd Administration, quickly and effortlessly.

While Biggie’s greatest accomplishments on the field are oft overlooked, he made a tremendous contribution off the field last night in ways that can only be expressed with a romantic embrace. It was Biggie who informed Herd Administration of the Tailgating party going on just feet above the field, a party that Herd Administration was unaware of at the time. Biggie, true American hero.

Then we lost.

***Evening Awards***
The “Shannon Craft” award for being Shannon Craft goes to Kyle Brown for Being Ashley Perdue for like 3 minutes.

The “Haneline Only” slide award goes to Wes “BFG” Miller for having the mindset to slide under Herd Administration, avoiding what would have been described in the history books as the follow-up to the Big Bang Theory.

Random Herd Facts
The Herd has amassed an amazingly large DVD collection, and has never once alphabetized it.
The Herd taught a horse to read its emails for them.
The Herd aced a Rorschach test
The Herd once visited a psychic…to warn her.
The Herd’s parents were named after them.

Thank you for your continued support of Herd Athletics,

Michael Swaim Herd Administration

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Come baby Come baby, baby Come Come

There comes a time in every athletes career that she/he needs as much mental and physical support that they can possible accumulate. Times such as disastrous losing streaks, playoff contests, championship games and now, the first ever triple header in Herd History. This triple header will be the defining moment of the 2010 Fall Regular season for the attention deprived Mighty Purple Herd. It is with great desire that Herd Administration is asking you, the Mighty Purple Herd Fans, to come together and be what we have lacked for the better part of 2010, our Athletic Supporters. Short or tall, black or white, big or small, Athletic Supporters go a long way in lifting up the spirits of the Herd Nation. Herd Management is asking you, Maggie Ghylenhall, and you G-Nix, and you Ouida, and you K-Woot, and anyone else that will listen to come out this Thursday night and spend an evening with Your Mighty Purple Herd.