Friday, September 25, 2009

Herdy Dancing

Last night:
Herd 17 Novant 0
Herd 16 Compensated 9
Incented 7 Compensated 8
GMAC 16 Novant 4
Incented 15 GMAC 6

#1 Herd v/s Winner of #4/#5 @ 8:30 on Hanes Hosiery Field

Absent Next Week:

Herd Notes:
Herd is your back to back THL Regular Season Champion
Herd has won 3 consecutive games v/s Compensated
Since losing 26-4 to Compensated in Spring 2008, Herd has won last 5 of 7

Game Notes:

I was dreaming when I wrote this, forgive me if it goes astray.
The Mighty Purps of Herd successfully completed the 2 game sweep of Novant and Compensated last night in true work(wo)manlike fashion to continue their reign as Tar Heel League regular season champions. In a sign of the dominance that was to come, Herd set a season attendance record at Pregame Festivus with 4 Purple Jerseys along with WXII 12's own Nicole Ducoer showing up for Andy Fansler Appreciation day. While the 9 dollar hot dog was delicious, the taste of dominating the once fierce compensateds was even more fulfilling.

In game one v/s Novant, it was the Herd Women who carried the Sensational Purps to victory. The defense of AnnaManda Holland and Ashley Perdue was nothing short of breathtaking, while super sub Jessica THE FREAK Hendrix came off the bench to provide an even higher level of dominance that could be imagined. The story of game one however was the mindnumingly amazing bat of Shannon Craft Award. Shannon hit the ball with such might and intensity that there other teams, fans and basic by standers were asking what type of steroids she uses. Heather Haneline Miller continues to dazzle and amaze on offense, defense and in game trash talking however her refusal to supply the Herd with ice cream sandwiches has not gone unnoticed. She did somewhat redeem herself by providing Wes Miller however.
The highlight of game one came with 2 on in the top of the 3rd when super slugger Chris Nixon stepped to the plate and the Herd only up 9 (or 3 by Novants scorebook). Nixon unleashed a mighty swing that brought the 5's of 10's of Herd fanatics to their respective feet, sending the $8.00 softball screaming through the humid Purple Night Sky with members of compensated looking on in shock, awe and soiled softball pants.

After the effortless beatdown of the Ants from Nov, it was time for the Herd to turn its attention to once proud Compensates of Cherry Street. Bryan Timmons led off with yet another extra base hit, becoming the all time single season record holder of hitting non singles in Herd History. From there it was time to go to work, as The Fantasy, Erin Haneline literally rolled up her sleeves and got down to business. Apparently Fantasy's business is not running out screeching ground balls to the pitcher. Chad Triple Zero White drove in the first run of the game with a seeing eye single up the middle that had the Sated defense discombobulated for the remainder of the evening.

A Herd/Compensated game can not happen without its fair share of controversy. In true compensated style, Napoleon Pitcher decided it would be a fantastic idea to slide into Wes "MR T" Miller to try to break up a double play, sending Wes hurdling through the air and landing firmly on his tight Fauxhawk. While this move of cowardness would have likely shaken the average player to the point of giving up on life, love and all things in between, it had a completely opposite effect on SuperStud Miller. As Miller stepped to the plate for his next at bat, one could literally feel the electricity charging through the air like a HERD of cattle. Homes miles away literally reported loss of power during this epic event, and the Atlantic Ocean Oceanographers up the entire eastern seaboard noticed a significant rise in tide. As Wes, or Mr. Miller if you're Nasty, took the mightiest of swings, sending the ball into its own celestial orbit, Herd, Compensated, Incented, Gmac, Novant, Todd Barr, Shannon Johnson, Freak Nasty Ump, fans, scorekeepers, celebrities, fictional characters, cartoon characters and historical icons all simultaneously bowed down to the most amazingly long home run ever hit. Ever. The ball was hit so far that it had an in flight movie and its own stewardess.

By the 5th frame Scott Walkush was hitting the ball with such viciousness and intimidation that the entire Compensated infield was actually playing in the outfield. The Walkush bat had the defense dazed and confused the entire evening. Not only was the Walkush bat mighty, his spectacular as always pitching had the Sated batters swinging at dust the entire evening.

While the play of the Herd was nothing short of spectacular, it was the sideline antics of the Mighty Purps that warmed the once cold heart of Herd administration. There was not one time during the game that HM did not glace over and notice acts of Herdness coming from the Purp athletes. The Haneline primal screams, Amanda's Herdy dancing, Hendrix taunts, whatever it is that AnnaManda does, and other acts of intimidation were a thing of beauty. Herd management thanks everyone involved in this special evening. Another special thank you goes out to Ashley ADUB Perdue for actually keeping up with the game, score, lineup and other situations that Herd management basically refuses to do at this point.

With the regular season behind us, it is now time to dominate the 1st ever THL tournament. We play at 8:30 v/s the winner of Incented or Gmac/Novant. If everything goes as planned, we will wrap this thing up in about 3 weeks.

***Evening Awards***
The "Shannon Craft" award for being Shannon Craft goes to the ENTIRE HERD TEAM for the mental smackdown placed upon the Sateds of Comp
The "Redding/Haneline" award for most gut wrenching slide goes to Erin Haneline for her, well she didnt exactly slide did she?
The "Nobody puts Wes in a Corner" award goes to the pitcher from Compensated. Dude, he's probably not the guy you want to mess with. Just Sayin...
The "Webster" award goes to the pitcher from Compensated for reasons unspecified.
The "Wojciechowski/Battier" award for laying himself out to make the fantastic play goes to CDub for the greatest play ever in the outfield. EVER.

Random Herd Facts:
The Herd smells what the Rock is cooking... because the Rock is The Herd's personal chef.

The Herd uses a night light. Not because The Herd is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of The Herd.

4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend The Mighty Purps as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.

The Herd never wet the bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

It was once believed that The Herd actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Purp himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

Thank you for your continued support of Herd Athletics,
Michael Swaim
Herd Management

Newest Herd Fan

For all the Herd studs and shawties, it would seem as if we have a very famous new fan. Or at least someone with a cool iPhone app. What's this???

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Herd didn't do it

There has been growing suspicion that Herd Management may be behind the chaos in Jonesville, NC over the past few days. Rest assured fans of the Purp, Herd managements hands are clean of these dasterdly deeds. While it is true that Herd Administration has come up considerably short on the end of year budget due to numerous Herd dropouts during the preseason, there has not been a need to rob small town libraries or school buses. Also, even though the demand is high, Herd Management will not be working street corners or 1 hour hotels in the foresable future, however one should not necessarily completely remove it from the equation.

With that Herd Bizness out of the way, please remember that THIS THURSDAY is the Tar Heel League regular season Finale. Game one v/s Novant at 7:30 has been deemed Andy Fansler appreciation day for the tremendous contributions Mr. Fansler made to the foundation of the Mighty Purps. While there is a better chance of Kayne West handing over the rap artist of the year award to the Judds than there is Fansler actually showing up for the game, it would still be nice to show our support.

Game two is the battle of Cherry Street when the Majestic Purple Herd face off against the desperate Sateds of Comp, which will decide the regular season champion and the #1 seed for the Tar Heel League Tournament. Both games will be at Washington Park Field #4, with pregame festivities at 4:45 at the downtown Kernel Kustard.

Herd Up!!

Friday, September 18, 2009

The Next Step in the Big Purp Takeover

As I sit here this Friday morning (and hijack the best blog on the planet), I can't help compare the feelings of a Herd victory to the pure joy elicited by the return of the best shows on TV last night. Wait...don't tell me you don't know about The Office, Parks and Rec and promising newcomer Community. It's really an upspoken Herd fact that all players and fans can freely quote from The Office at will, so you'd better bone up on your knowledge - that's what she said.

It's also with a twinge of sadness that I look at the calendar and realize the fall softball season is coming to a close. What could we possibly do to further the Thursday night Tarheel Coed league softball prowess and intimidation we've built over the last few seasons? The answer is quite simple - off-season training. And what activity could possibly build endurance AND the intestinal fortitude necessary to withstand the pressure cooker of Thursday night? If you guessed a 5k run, you'd almost be right. If you said a 5k run that includes eating 6 Krispy Kremes, I'd call you Nostherddamus.

A growing group of Herd superstars and superfans have already signed up for this worthy event, benefitting the Matt Gfeller Memorial Scholarship Fund. You should join us. When else do you have an excuse to scarf down 6 doughnuts and not feel bad about it? Get the details and sign up here, everybody's doing it...

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Random Herd Thoughts for Thursday September 17, 2009

I'm listening to the iPod and 1999 by Prince comes on. The line in that song that caught the attention of Herd Administration is this:
"The sky was all purple, there were people runnin everyhwere, tryin to run from the destruction, you know I didnt even care"

Also 1999 was the year the Herd was created.

I wonder if we can get Prince to sponser us?

Friday, September 11, 2009

Herd Report for 09/11/2009

Good Morning Herd!!!
Last night:
Herd 20 GMAC 19
Compensated 24 Novant 4
Compensated 16 Incented 14
Bye Week
Absent Next Week:
Herd Notes:
Herd scored 41 runs v/s GMAC this year
The Herd has trailed in more innings this year than it did the entire spring season
In the 2nd game v/s GMAC in both the spring in fall seasons, the Herd won both games by 1 run each
Game Notes:
A volcano. A F-5 tornado. A cat 5 hurricane. A Lady Ga Ga concert. These are all things that are ridiculously awesome to watch, but probably extremely stressful to be a part of. Guess what can be added to that list my Beloved Purple Herd's. Thats correct, GMAC. The mightily improved GMAC's battled the Majestic Purps step for step yesterday evening, but ultimately fell short thanks to the clutch hitting of the Scintillating Herd Women and the unbelievable titanic jack, deep into the Washington Park woods by Herd Rookie Superstar Blake Murphy. In a game that saw a lead change in 4 of the 6 innings, it was the intestinal fortitude of Jessica Hendrix, CDUB and Shannon Craft who placed the Herd on their mighty shoulders in the bottom of the 6th, scoring 2 runs as time expired. CDUB's walkoff line drive into Left Center was more than the defense could handle, as it scorched the earth on its trek to the most outer regions of the Park Fence giving Shannon Craft award ample time to score the winning run from first as well as shoving Herd Management so hard into the fence rounding 3rd that HM now has permanent fence makings on his entire Greek god'esq body.
The unfairly talented Herd women set the tone for this epic duel early and often, led by Herd star Amanda Reddings emotional rendition of the timeless classic "worm" during warmups. Not only did Redding go forwards with the worm, but in a move that brought the fans and players to their knees, she also put it in reverse and went backwards. Its talent and ability such as this that sets the Mighty Purps apart from the rest of the league. The mighty worm, along with the other various pregame stretches, obviously set fire to the Herd bats. Bryan Timmons led off with a rare single, however the story of the inning had to be the accomplishment of Herd uberstar, THE FANTASY, Erin Haneline. It was obvious from the outset of the game that Haneline was out to prove a point that she belongs in the upper echelon of All Time Herd Stars. As she dug deep into the batters box, a calm fell over the stadium and a sense of history was in the air. As Fantasy unleashed a mighty swing, the entire softball universe knew that this was going to be to be a special at bat. Once the ball passed the Left Center Fielder for GMAC, Haneline knew that the moment was hers. Even though Herd Management tried to hold her up at 3rd, Haneline would have no part of that, crossing home plate in history fashion for her 1st ever career HERD DINGER. The history for the Herd women did not stop there. Shortly after Herd super rookie and current MLB SUPERSTAR Blake Taylor popped up in his first career at bat, his mighty girlfriend Jessica THE FREAK Hendrix hit a ball so hard that it brought tears to the gods for her 1st career Herd home run. As Hendrix slid into home, Herd management became so overcome with emotion that he broke down into a fit of tears and huddled under the bench in the fetal position for the remainder of the contest. Hendrix has solidified herself as one of the all time Herd Athletes, not only with her play on the field, but with her ability to actually respond to Herd Management text messages.
The Herd hits didnt stop there. Chad WILD THANG Biggie collected his first career multiple triple game in a Herd uniform and CNIX literally destroyed the glove of the GMAC shortstop with a screeching line drive and continues to make better plays from his knees at short than the rest of the league can make from their feet. Lets not forget AnnAmanda, who continues to hit better and run faster than 99.3% of the women on the league despite lathering herself up with 38lbs of Icy Hot before, during and after each game. Perhaps the story of the year however goes to Heather The Natural Haneline Miller. Miller, literally weeks (56 weeks?) after giving birth to perhaps the most athletic 1 year old in the history of babies, is already back at the top of her game. While Herd management still holds her at least partially responsible for the lack of ice cream sandwiches, she is given a pardon for her beyond spectacular play in the field.
Herd management would like to say a word about The Herds greatest all time player, Ashley Perdue. Play softball next game please. Ashley is by far the greatest scorekeeper in the history of the game, however she is 100 times a better player. There would not be a Herd today if not for the contributions of this great player year in and year out. Herd administration has deemed the September 25th contest v/s Novant as Ashley Perdue appreciation day. On this day it is requested that everyone bring in ice cream sandwiches and other spectacular tokens of appreciation for the Great One, A Dub.

***Evening Awards***
The "Shannon Craft" award for being Shannon Craft goes to SHANNON CRAFT for her game winning run and punishment of HM!!

The "Redding/Haneline" award for most gut wrenching slide goes to superstar Jessica Hendrix for her extraordinarily emotional slide into home. Hendrix has now slid in over 93% of the games this season.

The "Herd Bro-Mance" award goes to Blake Taylor. Dude you're awesome

The "I want to be you" award goes to Blake Taylor. Seriously Dude. Awesome

The "Start bringing lighters to the game dude" award goes to Biggie and Swaim for getting cussed out YET AGAIN for not having a lighter.

The "can I have your autograph" award goes to Blake Taylor. Awe. Some.

The "screw pregame festivities" award goes to the entire team other than CNIX and Timmons. We got free gift cards. Sweet.

Random Herd Facts:
The Herd invented a language that incorporates softball and punches to the throat. So next time The Herd is kicking your tail, don’t be offended or hurt, they may be just trying to tell you they like your hat.

Fear is not the only emotion The Herd can smell. The Herd can also detect hope, as in "I hope I don't get a roundhouse kick from The Herd."

There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and The Herd finds it delicious.

The Herd can touch MC Hammer.

Thank you for your continued support of Herd Athletics,
Michael Swaim
Herd Management