Friday, May 28, 2010

Ima Swing it this'a way. Ima Swing it that'a way. I'm Herdy Herd and Ima be here to stay

Game Notes:
Bla Bla Bla. Sweat Tea Flavored Custard. Ticks. Spiders. Racism. These are a few things that, if given the opportunity, Herd Management would physically and mentally destroy and banish from existence from this earth. You can now add The RA Lab rats to that List. On one of the hottest days of the season thus far, the dastardly Lab Rats literally reached into the inner softball soul of the Herd, spit on it, and then walked away with one of the most undeserving victories in the history of sports.
Despite the beautifully rendition of Kei$ha’s Your Love is My Drug sang by our very own Chad “Michael Bolton” Biggie Gazelle, the Herd was unable to overcome the arrogance, belligerence and overall lack of respect for Humanity by the Rats from RA. In a moment that summed up the evening, Pre Game King Bryan “Runs through fire, eats turkey legs afterwards” Timmons was so livid that he, for the first time in his career, skipped Post Game Festivities.
The Mighty Purple Herd did not go down without a fight however. Chris “Lost” Nixon and We$ “Please let the SS get in my way” Miller delivered all night long at an extremely high level both on offense and defense. A-Dub Perdue and Shannon Craft were also able to take advantage of their high level of softball fortitude to deliver late game hits that once again put the Herd in a position to win the game. Despite the triumphant return of Herd favorite, MVP Jessica Hendrix to the lineup, the Herd seemed to be lacking the fire that delivered two straight world championship trophies just one year ago.
Scott Walkush continues to swing a hot bat as well this year, driving in a game high 4 runs despite being tripped at first base by one of the Rats defensive players. Walkush was also the unfortunate victim of a conservative yet ever changing strike zone all afternoon long. Despite the pathetic showing by one of the leagues worse umps, Walkush did not walk a single batter and played spectacular defense.
Jessica Miller, recipient of a brand new used Herd Jersey for the first time in her career turned in yet another fabulous performance at first base and continues to literally rip the cover off of the softball. Labrats noticed that the cover had apparently been ripped from its core and made numerous requests to change out the ball in yet another show of supreme class by this group from RA.
Super Sister in law/Sister/Spouse Heather Miller is also not only stepping up her game each week, she is also stepping up her Pre/Post game Festivity attendance. It was an honor to learn that Miller is best friends with Chicago White Sox super sluggers Joe Crede, Ozzie Guillen, Carlos Lee, Bobby Thigpen and Frank Thomas from her tenure with the Old Winston Salem Dash squads from yesteryear.
Millers uber flamboyant sister, Erin “Fantasy” Haneline was also one of the brighter spots in an otherwise disgustingly dark, depressing, painful evening. The glove work in the outfield was a thing of beauty, as was her unadulterated hustle around the base paths. The Fantasy is what is good and right about not only the Mighty Purple Herd, but sports and even life in general.
Herd Management Mike Swaim was a paltry 5-5 at the plate with 6 triples, 3 home runs and 14 rbi’s. What you think you may have saw in that first at bad never happened. IT. NEVER. HAPPENED.

***Evening Awards***

The "Shannon Craft" award for being Shannon Craft goes to Bryan Timmons for being so visibly livid about the nights circumstances that he skipped Post Game Festivities.
The "Redding/Haneline" award for most gut wrenching slide goes to We$ Miller!! “That was beautiful. It looked like something off ESPN.”-Heather Miller

Random Herd Facts
I’ve got a fever, and the only cure…is more The Herd.
The Herd knows all there is to know about the crying game.
The Herd can tell how something tastes simply by touching it.
You can see the Herd’s charisma from outer space.

Thank you for your continued support of Herd AthleticsMichael Swaim Herd Administration P’d off bear

Friday, May 21, 2010

California Herd

Game Notes:
The BP Oil Spill. Gas Prices. Myspace. Megan fox fired from Transformers. Katy Perry’s mere existance. These are all of the most horribly horrific current events in the world today. You can add The Herd’s heart crushing loss to the undefeated YMC A’s to the top of that list. In a game that saw two of the greatest forces in the current co-rec softball universe collide like a mellow mushroom pizza into a tender large intestine, it was the YMC A’s that once again toppled the Mighty Purple Herd in extra innings by a score of 8-7.

At this point in the season, it would simply make more sense to allow the doubles master, Bryan “In tha face, IN THA FACE!” Timmons to start the game out on second base, because his leadoff doubles are as much of a sure thing as a tear jerking Miley Cyrus summer ballad.

Erin “The Fantasy” Haneline was an unlucky victim of superhuman like defense from the A’s, however that did not keep her from being the physical and emotional leader in the Herd Clubhouse as well at pre game festivities. The only questionable decision on the evening form Haneline came when she insisted on going 3 way on the last slice of pizza which doomed the intestines of Herd Management for the remainder of the evening.

Scott “The GOOOOOOOOSE” Walkush has emerged as the true leader of the club on both offense and defense. There simply is not a player in the entire league who can control a game like the Goose. 9 is playing at such a high level at this point in his Herd career that Herd Management considers himself fortunate to be allowed to play on the same field as this amazing physical specimen.

One of the most absolute defining moments in Herd History came just this season as the Might Purps were able to land free agent Jennifer “Don’t mess” Miller. Miller continues to provide brutally physical motivation to the Herd athletes on a game by game basis especially when it is needed the most. Not only are her motivational tactics a pure thing of beauty, her defense reminds Herd Management of a young Carlos Delgado at 1st base. Regardless of the outcome, J-Mill makes sure that the Herd will remain competitive in the most adverse conditions each and every game, despite playing sans jersey.

Herd Management is not sure there is a player swinging a more sizzling hot bat at this point in the season than Shane “Pepperoni is the new bacon” McLane. Mclane continues to deliver clutch offensive performances in each game, and his defense is improving faster than the 2nd season of Glee. Whle McLanes reckless baserunning continues to give Herd Management mini heart attacks, one can only look on with amazement as Shane O continues to successfully defy the laws of logic, angles and basic mathematical principles when it comes to baserunning.

One player that deserves super special accolades is Herd Super Star Heather “Old Crow Medicine Show” Miller. Miller took a shot in the upper thigh from an A’s left handed hitter that would have left lesser athletes disabled and would have even likely ended their career. Mrs. Miller is an exception to the rule. Not only did she return to the game to deliver a clutch 6th inning blast, she was able to score from 2nd base to tie the game in the bottom of the 7th. Herd Management will award the inaugural “Purple Heart” award to Miller at the end of the season for her heroic play despite numerous debilitating injuries.

Part of the culture of co-rec softball are uber star players like our very own C-Nix Christopher “FreakNix” Nixon. Nixon has emerged as perhaps the most dominating player of our time this season. Nixon turned in an emotionally uplifting 5 rbi night to go along with some of the most mind numbingly plays at short stop that you will ever see. Herd management also gives kudos to the fantastic Herd women who shared duties at 1st base, having to take a rocket launched from the mighty arm of CNix at least 2 -3 times per inning.

Herd Management is not sure what training regimen Shannon Craft award took part in over the off season, however it would be in the teams best interest for her to share that with them. It is simply awe inspiring the way Award continues to hit the ball pretty much wherever she wants to whenever she wants to. Shannon Craft Award has had more hits this season than Katy stupid Perry has had in her lifetime.

Another part of the softball culture is seeing athletes make plays that should be physically and mentally impossible. Our very own TZ, Chad “THE GAZELLE” White fits that mold. Biggies earth trembling scampers around the base paths have become something of a natural phenomenon. Herd management could literally take a lawn chair out to 1st base and watch Biggie run the base paths all day long. In some cultures, Biggies trods to 1st would be considered a natural aphrodisiac, or could potentially cure scabies or perhaps a mild case of exema.

One of the truly great spectacles in all of sports is the ever clutch play week in and week out from Herd superstar Ashley “A-DUB” Perdue. A-Dub’s remarkably clutch performance at the plate last night was a huge factor in the Herd being in a position to win the game in the 7th, along with her golden glove at 1st base. Herd Management is still convinced that the skinny ump missed the double play at first in the 3rd inning.

Herd management would like to welcome back to the Herd, after a 7 year hiatus, Mrs. Courtney “nickname forthcoming” Spence!! Courtney was another unfortunate victim of some of the most ridiculously lucky plays by the A’s defense last night, however it is blatantly obvious that Spence will be a valuable addition to our team in the coming weeks as we wind down toward the end of the season.

***Evening Awards***
The "Shannon Craft" award for being Shannon Craft goes to J-Mill for frightening Herd Management in the bottom of the 7th inning to the point of wetting his pants.

The "Redding/Haneline" award for most gut wrenching slide goes the mellow mushroom thin slice for literally wrenching our guts.

Random Herd Facts:

The Herd was the hunter who shot Bambi's Mother. They then wore her carcass like it was a coat while they made their rounds at the local children's hospital.

The Herd is not lactose intolerant, they just refuse to put up with lactose's crap.

The Herd can mathematically make two wrongs equal a right.

One time in an airport a guy accidently called The Herd "The Third". He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. The Herd accepted his apology and politely signed an autograph. Nine months later, the guy's wife gave birth to a Purple baby. The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself.

Thank you for your continued support of Herd Athletics
Michael SwaimHerd Administration

Friday, May 14, 2010

Herd Spirit

Last night, a thrown softball struck me in the face. Notice the coloration of this encounter - the Herd even gets injured in purple. I can't wait for next week...

One small step for man, one softball to the face for all mankind

Game Notes:
In a week that was witness to such horrific and mindless tragedies such as Glee, Jennie Stencel, Rogue Softballs to the Face, disturbingly disgusting groin injuries and Kei$ha that has made this world a dark dark place, The MIGHTY PURPLE HERD lit the world on fire with an awe inspiring 13-3 win over the Scrappy Mullens.

Bryan “Cheek Seams” Timmons once again got the party started with his 1st at bat, drilling a scorching double into left center field. Timmons was able to go a blustery 3 for 3 at the plate before what will go down in history as one of the most disturbing facial softball injuries forced him out of the game. Timmons partner at the top of the lineup Erin “Shake it Shake it Shake it Ohh Ohhhh!” Haneline flashed her Gazelle’esq speed on numerous occasions on this evening on offense. Herd Management was witness to one of the most emotionally rewarding displays of hustle in Herd History as The Fantasy scorched the baseline in the 3rd inning to beat out a sharp grounder to 3rd base to keep the inning alive.
Chad “Trip Zero” Biggie continued to swing a bat hotter than a Lady GaGa hit on this special night, however it was his focused play at 3rd base that left the spectators in shock and awe. Reigning MVP Jessica “FREAK” Hendrix was able to put a debilitating illness behind her to put on a show at 2nd base and continues to pick up clutch hits in clutch situations that a mere mortal softball superstar. Herd Management knows that when the Freak takes the field that the Herd will always have a chance to win.

One of the true bright spots on a night that had so many positives was the overall play of Heather “Don't call my name, Alejandro” Miller. Alejandro, yet another Herd superstar facing injury and illness has become the steadying force of the middle of the Herd lineup with her ever improving offensive repertoire. Millers smooth play at the plate and rock solid contributions on defense reminds Herd Management of a young Brittany Spears in the prime of her career, belting out hit after hit and bring so much joy to the lives of everyone she comes into contact with. Another force in the middle of the lineup is Shane “A-Rod” O’MCLANE. While Shane is currently in the midst of his hottest batting streak in his young Herd career, it is OMC’s relentless and sometimes disturbingly “tear your heart out and spit on it” mentality that sets him apart from the most famous trash talkers in the history of co-rec softball.

Herd Management can not say enough (or could he?) about the fortitude of the most amazing athlete ever to don the Majestic Purple, Mr. We$ “@#%^@!!!!” Miller. Less than one week after Miller suffered one of the most gruesome injuries in the prestigious history of Herd groins, Miller stepped up to the plate in the bottom of the 2nd inning and delivered one of the most cinematically scripted home runs ever witnessed. We$ conjured the ghost of 1988 Kirk Gibson and delivered most amazing and game defining home runs of the season.

Another Herd Superstar playing at or near the top of his game this season is CNIX “Hispanic All Star” Nixon. With the exception of one massive pop fly that literally drew rain, CNIX delivered a punishing execution of offensive fire power that had the Mullen Defense playing on the other side of the fence. CNIX has also become a valuable contributor to the ever popular PGF with his wisdom and wit that has ever PGF in attendance groveling at his feet for more. More of what is still to be determined.

In a night that was all about lighting the world on fire, no report would be complete without mentioning Jennifer “Ima bus yo face” Miller. Miller brings a level of intensity to the Glorious Herd that has never been seen in its illustrious history of existence. There are times when J-Mill is at bat that you can literally feel the vibrations of her rage and fury as she grips the bat, ready to attack the softball like a rabid alpaca in heat. Thank you, J-Mill, for being with us instead of against us.

Yet another player who continues her assault on the all time Herd record books is fan favorite, Shannon Craft Award. It is getting old writing about her typical 3-3, perfect defense, perfect demeanor, perfect attitude performance, so at this time, HM will make something up. Shannon Craft was physically attacked by a flock of wild bats on this evening, giving her super hero bat like instincts when the sun goes down. Shannon put her super hero powers into action during the 3rd inning when a rogue ice cream salesman attacked the field in an attempt to bring down Co-Rec softball. Shannon swooped down from her nesting area in left center field and was able to foil the potential terrorist attack. She then sold her guano in an effort to fund the Mighty Purple Herd for the fall season.

A very special player made Herd History on this evening. Ashely “don’t call me Chipper” Perdue set a Herd single game record last night by playing 9 of the 11 possible positions on the field without making an error in 5 innings. Ashley shrugged off her pre game defensive suspension and went out like any professional and simply dominated her sport.

Last nights player of the game goes to our beloved pitcher, Scott “Goose””I hide my softball success from my family” Walkush. Goose delivered yet another inside the park, 3 rbi home run on this evening that set the tone for another Herd Mercy Rule win. Over the past 4 games, Goose is batting a blustery .875 with 13 rbi’s. If the offense weren’t enough to make you drop to your knees in emotional admiration of this sensational physical specimen, Walkush also made some of the most prolifically amazing bare handed stabs from the mound that you will ever see. Herd Management is confident that if Goose and Herd Management ever went camping near a creek, that 9 could use his surgically precise stabbing technique to bring in a delicious bounty of fish from a nearby lake.

Herd News!
Next week we play the YMC A’s and their traveling A fanatics in a life defining game that will determine the 2nd half, and perhaps league champions. I would like for everyone to start physically preparing for this contest on Sunday, and then start mentally preparing for it on Tuesday. Also, Pre Game Festivus will be held at Mellow Mushroom beginning at 5:20.

***Evening Awards***
The "Shannon Craft" award for being Shannon Craft goes to Ashely Perdue for being Ashley Perdue, Shannon Craft, Biggie, Wes, CNix, Heather and Jennifer. You ARE THE SHOW!

The "Redding/Haneline" award for most gut wrenching slide goes to BRYAN TIMMONS for his softball to the face!

Random Herd Facts:
Indians believed cameras stole the souls of those it took pictures of because The Herd typically stored the stolen souls of his friends in a Nikon camera he bought from a 1-armed French prostitute.

Once a cobra bit The Herd’s leg. After 5 days of excruciating pain, the cobra finally died.

The Herd doesn’t believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever the Herd goes becomes a state of Emergency, and when the Herd leaves, they leave a State of Destruction.

The Herd enjoys a good practical joke. Their favorite is when he removes your lower intestine and makes a balloon animal out of it.

Thank you for your continued support of Herd Athletics
Michael Swaim|Herd Administration

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

How do you spell relief?

R-O-J-O. In case of pitching emergency, I think Herd Management should recruit Rojo Johnson.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Ale Ale-HERD-ro

Last night:
Herd 18 Energy 16
Mullen Less YMC A's More
Wings More Rats Less

YMCA v/s Rats Washington 4 6:30
Herd v/s Mullen Washington 4 7:30
Energy v/s Wings Washington 4 8:30

YMC A's 4-0
Lab Rats 3-1
Herd 3-2
Energy 1-3
ECW 1-3
Mullen 0-4

Absent Next Week:

Herd Notes:
Herd has finished above .500 in the 1st half for the 3rd consecutive season
Herd has scored the most runs of any team in the entire 1st half
Herd has had more celebrities to attend pregame festivities than any team in the league.

Game Notes:
In what Herd management considers the greatest non championship game night in his illustrious purple life, the MIGHTY PURPLE HERD rode the wave of the most magical pre game festivity ever to an epic win over the WS Energy’s by a final
score of 18-16.
Despite the conspicuous pregame absence from self proclaimed Herd Fanatic Maggie Ghylenhaal, the festivities got off to a fast start thanks to the musings from long time Herd supporter, Khang of Leon. Unfortunately, an overly aggressive group of Herd Fanatics became a little over excited and began giving the Glorious Purps a show for the ages. While super rookie Jennifer "JJ" Johnson received a slight neck strain from trying to obtain a more visually enhancing perspective for this interesting yet embarrassing display, it was Khangs of Leon who reaped the most benefits of being yet another celebrity Pre Game Festivity attendee. Also in attendance was local WXII 12 trafic correspondent, Jennie Stencel! Jennie, an obvious Herd Fanatic, was more than intrigued when offered a once in a lifetime opportunity to participate in a Herd game next week. It has recently come to Herd's attention however, that even though Jennie loves the Herd more than life itself, that any Herd representative, player, coach, or manager MUST stay at least 50 yards away from Mrs. Stencil at all times or face criminal prosecution to the fullest extent of the law. My bad.

On the field, it only took the Big Purps one inning to recover from the awesome car wreck of an adult rated pre game festivity. Falling behind 3-0 early, the MAJESTIC MIGHTY PURPS went wild in the bottom of the 1st inning, thanks in large part to We$ "BY GOSH FRIKIN" Miller's entrancing and life changing home run into the muggy night sky. Superstar Bryan "Pregame King, Doubles King, Leon King" Timmons got back to the basics Thursday and it paid off. Timmons' 3 doubles on the game makes him the most prolific doubles man in the history of co-rec or plan rec league softball history, moving him ahead of former 70's Softball superstar/disco champion Richard Lips. Congratulations to BT on this prestigious honor.
Not to be outdone on this glorious, yet overly saturated evening was the performance of Shannon "Gimp" Craft. Herd management can not remember a hotter streak of plate appearances not directly related to delicious Prime Rib delacies in the history of the League. Needless to say, Shannon Craft Award has stepped up in a huge way this season. Also continuing his monstrous season on this epic evening was Chad "THE GAZELLE" Biggie White. Going back through the scorebooks on the season, Herd Management could not be located where The Gazelle has not reached base in some capacity in every single game. While this stat may be slightly skewed due to the fact that The Privileged Herd rarely if ever actually keeps score, it is still worth noting. Also worth noting is the quite, romantic walk in the pitch dark from the field to the Herd-mobiles after the game last night that Herd Management was able to share with The Gazelle. We should do more of that. While infinitely dangerous and by most accounts not advised, it does help grow team unity and strength to be fearful for your life after any sporting event. Another red hot Herd Athlete both on the field and in our hearts is the official Herd song comer upper, Heather "ALE ALE-Jandro!" Miller. Mrs. Miller is notorious for many things, things such as coming to the field jacked up on Bojangles Ice tea, perverted jerseys (referred to as perjeys), playing softball good, but most notably, bringing a song to the field and firmly implanting said song into the weak, fragile mind of Herd Management, so it shall never escape. ALE ALEJANDRO!!
Defensively, this game was controlled from start to finish by what Herd Management considers the most overwhelmingly overall dominating presence on the field at any given time Scott "NOT SHANE!" "GOOSE" Walkush. Goose delivered a vast array of pitches on this evening that had the Energy batters confused and disoriented most of the evening. Not only did Goose once again deliver from the hill, he delivered from the plate, scattering the Energy pitches all over the WP3 outfield. Goose's partner in crime, Shane Mc"O MAC!" Clane turned in his best overall defensive performance of his young rookie year, making numerous clutch catches in the outfield and staying white hot at the plate. As it stands, The Irish Assassin is currently in 7th place in the Herd History books for batting average by a male rookie.
It was mentioned in an earlier report that Jennifer "my rock" Miller has been recently climbing the prestigious Herd Management's Popularity ladder for quite some time. Things were no different last night. Jennifer Miller led all women with rbi's, hits and runs scored on an evening where leaders such as her were able to shine like a brightly lit candle in a dark dark compensated night. Another bright, shinny star was The Fantasy, Erin Haneline. The Fantasy made a rare yet glorious appearance at Pre Game Festivities that literally set the tone for this amazing evening. Erin, a long time HM favorite, literally saved the game in so many ways last night, especially from the defensive side of the ball. Never before has Herd Management become so overjoyed with debilitating emotion after the series of defensive stops made last night by our own nightly Fantasy.
The story of the night belongs to two of the most physically intimidating game changers in the Long, Drawn Out, sometimes even overbearing History of the MIGHTY PURPLE HERD, Amanda Redding and Jennifer Johnson. In a time when the Herd was struggling to produce runs, make routine defensive plays, and just seemed to lack the overall will to live, it only took one appearance last week from Redding to turn around a season that was thought to be lost. Redding infused her unique style and grace on a team that was lacking an identity, and single handily turned them back into legitimate challengers for their 3rd consecutive championship. Also contributing heavily to the Herd Turn Around is our 2nd Raleigh Athlete, Jennifer "J-Dub" Johnson. J-Dub brought a spark to pregame festivities not seen since former Herd Superstar, Sac, was able to single handily destroy a Foothills sampler and STILL be physically able to perform at an absurdly high level that evening. J Squared became just the 23rd Herd Rookie to get a base hit in her very first at bat AND make a crucial rally ending play in the outfield. Herd Management would like to thank you for your contributions and welcomes you back with open arms to The Herd Nation!!

Herd News!
While things did not go exactly as planned for the 1st half, we are obviously one of the best teams in the league and still have a valid chance to win the championship if we can drive through the 2nd half of the season unscathed. We start our season next week v/s Mullen at 7:30 with a 0-0 record.

***Evening Awards***
The "Shannon Craft" award for being Shannon Craft goes to Scott Walkush for being Shane McLane.
The "Redding/Haneline" award for most gut wrenching slide goes to AMANDA REDDING!!!! Amanda slides into 3rd base. Amanda slides into home. Most importantly, Amanda slides into our hearts.
The “Peeping Tom” award goes to Jennifer Johnson!! We’ll get you a better seat next time.

Random Herd Facts:
The Herd never say’s anything taste like chicken… Not even chicken.
The Herd once had an awkward moment, just to see how it feels.
Even the Herd’s enemy’s list them as there emergency contact.
The Herd once knew a call was a wrong number, even though the person on the other end wouldn't admit it.
The Herd once challenged a mirror to a starring contest. The mirror gave up out of sheer intimidation.

Thank you for your continued support of Herd Athletics
Michael Swaim|Herd Administration