One small step for man, one softball to the face for all mankind

Game Notes:
In a week that was witness to such horrific and mindless tragedies such as Glee, Jennie Stencel, Rogue Softballs to the Face, disturbingly disgusting groin injuries and Kei$ha that has made this world a dark dark place, The MIGHTY PURPLE HERD lit the world on fire with an awe inspiring 13-3 win over the Scrappy Mullens.

Bryan “Cheek Seams” Timmons once again got the party started with his 1st at bat, drilling a scorching double into left center field. Timmons was able to go a blustery 3 for 3 at the plate before what will go down in history as one of the most disturbing facial softball injuries forced him out of the game. Timmons partner at the top of the lineup Erin “Shake it Shake it Shake it Ohh Ohhhh!” Haneline flashed her Gazelle’esq speed on numerous occasions on this evening on offense. Herd Management was witness to one of the most emotionally rewarding displays of hustle in Herd History as The Fantasy scorched the baseline in the 3rd inning to beat out a sharp grounder to 3rd base to keep the inning alive.
Chad “Trip Zero” Biggie continued to swing a bat hotter than a Lady GaGa hit on this special night, however it was his focused play at 3rd base that left the spectators in shock and awe. Reigning MVP Jessica “FREAK” Hendrix was able to put a debilitating illness behind her to put on a show at 2nd base and continues to pick up clutch hits in clutch situations that a mere mortal softball superstar. Herd Management knows that when the Freak takes the field that the Herd will always have a chance to win.

One of the true bright spots on a night that had so many positives was the overall play of Heather “Don't call my name, Alejandro” Miller. Alejandro, yet another Herd superstar facing injury and illness has become the steadying force of the middle of the Herd lineup with her ever improving offensive repertoire. Millers smooth play at the plate and rock solid contributions on defense reminds Herd Management of a young Brittany Spears in the prime of her career, belting out hit after hit and bring so much joy to the lives of everyone she comes into contact with. Another force in the middle of the lineup is Shane “A-Rod” O’MCLANE. While Shane is currently in the midst of his hottest batting streak in his young Herd career, it is OMC’s relentless and sometimes disturbingly “tear your heart out and spit on it” mentality that sets him apart from the most famous trash talkers in the history of co-rec softball.

Herd Management can not say enough (or could he?) about the fortitude of the most amazing athlete ever to don the Majestic Purple, Mr. We$ “@#%^@!!!!” Miller. Less than one week after Miller suffered one of the most gruesome injuries in the prestigious history of Herd groins, Miller stepped up to the plate in the bottom of the 2nd inning and delivered one of the most cinematically scripted home runs ever witnessed. We$ conjured the ghost of 1988 Kirk Gibson and delivered most amazing and game defining home runs of the season.

Another Herd Superstar playing at or near the top of his game this season is CNIX “Hispanic All Star” Nixon. With the exception of one massive pop fly that literally drew rain, CNIX delivered a punishing execution of offensive fire power that had the Mullen Defense playing on the other side of the fence. CNIX has also become a valuable contributor to the ever popular PGF with his wisdom and wit that has ever PGF in attendance groveling at his feet for more. More of what is still to be determined.

In a night that was all about lighting the world on fire, no report would be complete without mentioning Jennifer “Ima bus yo face” Miller. Miller brings a level of intensity to the Glorious Herd that has never been seen in its illustrious history of existence. There are times when J-Mill is at bat that you can literally feel the vibrations of her rage and fury as she grips the bat, ready to attack the softball like a rabid alpaca in heat. Thank you, J-Mill, for being with us instead of against us.

Yet another player who continues her assault on the all time Herd record books is fan favorite, Shannon Craft Award. It is getting old writing about her typical 3-3, perfect defense, perfect demeanor, perfect attitude performance, so at this time, HM will make something up. Shannon Craft was physically attacked by a flock of wild bats on this evening, giving her super hero bat like instincts when the sun goes down. Shannon put her super hero powers into action during the 3rd inning when a rogue ice cream salesman attacked the field in an attempt to bring down Co-Rec softball. Shannon swooped down from her nesting area in left center field and was able to foil the potential terrorist attack. She then sold her guano in an effort to fund the Mighty Purple Herd for the fall season.

A very special player made Herd History on this evening. Ashely “don’t call me Chipper” Perdue set a Herd single game record last night by playing 9 of the 11 possible positions on the field without making an error in 5 innings. Ashley shrugged off her pre game defensive suspension and went out like any professional and simply dominated her sport.

Last nights player of the game goes to our beloved pitcher, Scott “Goose””I hide my softball success from my family” Walkush. Goose delivered yet another inside the park, 3 rbi home run on this evening that set the tone for another Herd Mercy Rule win. Over the past 4 games, Goose is batting a blustery .875 with 13 rbi’s. If the offense weren’t enough to make you drop to your knees in emotional admiration of this sensational physical specimen, Walkush also made some of the most prolifically amazing bare handed stabs from the mound that you will ever see. Herd Management is confident that if Goose and Herd Management ever went camping near a creek, that 9 could use his surgically precise stabbing technique to bring in a delicious bounty of fish from a nearby lake.

Herd News!
Next week we play the YMC A’s and their traveling A fanatics in a life defining game that will determine the 2nd half, and perhaps league champions. I would like for everyone to start physically preparing for this contest on Sunday, and then start mentally preparing for it on Tuesday. Also, Pre Game Festivus will be held at Mellow Mushroom beginning at 5:20.

***Evening Awards***
The "Shannon Craft" award for being Shannon Craft goes to Ashely Perdue for being Ashley Perdue, Shannon Craft, Biggie, Wes, CNix, Heather and Jennifer. You ARE THE SHOW!

The "Redding/Haneline" award for most gut wrenching slide goes to BRYAN TIMMONS for his softball to the face!

Random Herd Facts:
Indians believed cameras stole the souls of those it took pictures of because The Herd typically stored the stolen souls of his friends in a Nikon camera he bought from a 1-armed French prostitute.

Once a cobra bit The Herd’s leg. After 5 days of excruciating pain, the cobra finally died.

The Herd doesn’t believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever the Herd goes becomes a state of Emergency, and when the Herd leaves, they leave a State of Destruction.

The Herd enjoys a good practical joke. Their favorite is when he removes your lower intestine and makes a balloon animal out of it.

Thank you for your continued support of Herd Athletics
Michael Swaim|Herd Administration
http://www.purpleherd.blogspot.com