Friday, March 23, 2012

Herd Wins, Holy Cow!

Not long ago, a wise man actor playing a wise borderline alcoholic sports commentator posed a serious question:

"Hey! If you were a hot dog...and you were starving, would you eat yourself?"  I know I would.  I'd smother myself in brown mustard and relish.  I'd be delicious.  What, my gentle Herd, does this have to do with last night's faux game?  I'm not really sure, honestly, but I am kind of hungry.

Last night the Mighty Herd once again whipped itself into a game-like frenzy to take on our friends at Tee Time.  Not since, well, ever has there been so much excitement around a game that counted for nothing but bragging rights, than there was last night on WP#4.  Since there was no official score keeper, I claim that we won by 37.

Led as always by Herd "I'm Half the Man I Used to be #loseit" Management, the Purps took to the field first to flash a little leather, and recorded a record 22 outs.  In one inning!  In perhaps the most exciting play of the young preseason, John "Sparkles, no wait, is it Flipper, no it's still Sparkles" Spivey made a catch that could only be described as eh-eh, eh-eh.eheheheh-tastic (ask Sparkles to translate that from dolphin to English).  Bryan "new aerodynamic face" Timmons ran down fly balls all over left center field and even caught a couple of them.  Oops.  Tomika "Sweet T" Fuller gave 162% effort at first base laying out and nearly making a play on a foul ball that rivaled that other purple team in town.  Seriously Tomika, you've already made the team, save some of that greatness for the regular season.

On the other side of the ball, the Herd put on a series of free clinics!

  • How to gracefully drop a bat in place after smashing the ball (101): Fantasy
  • How to hit the snot out of a softball (202): C-Nix
  • How to burn the opposing defense with unadulterated power (Seminar): SCA and Ice
  • Deceptive baserunning (PE): Biggie
  • Simply being awesome at life: Hep Cat Ketner and Goose
Next week, the Herd will again simulate battle with former dreaded rivals Compensated.  Be there!

Random Herd Facts:
The Herd is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for its bat and throwing arm.

The Herd won The Voice using only sign language

The Herd has a bear rug in its room. The bear isn't dead it is just afraid to move.

The Herd walked right into Area 51, bought a Snapple, and walked out. No one dared to move.

Monday, March 19, 2012

I can almost see it.....

After many years running a parallel race through the laurels of Wi Sa softball history, the two greatest heavyweights in Co Rec Softball history will collide this Thursday at 5:45 when Tuesday’s finest, The Tee Time’s will square off against our very own Mighty Purple Herd in one of the most anticipated scrimmages in the history of sport!!

Also, please mark your calendars for Thursday, March 30th when the Herd will finally,, face off against arch rival COMPENSATEDS for the 1st time in 3 years. Words can not even begin to describe the anticipation for this game that is pulsating through my purple veins at this very moment.

I urge you to make every effort possible to attend these two scrimmages and come in with an open heart and open mind to exploring new opportunities within this organization.

Thank you for your continued support of Herd Athletics!

Monday, March 12, 2012

Practice Makes Purple

Good Monday Purps!
Reminder: We will have practice session #2 THIS tHERDsday at 5:45 over at WP 4. As mentioned earlier, I have arranged for us to have about an extra hour or so of daylight. C-Nix, you’re up.

Also of note, Herd Management and Compensated Management are tentatively planning to do some pre season running somewhere in downtown Wi Sa this Tuesday around 4:45 if anyone is interested in joining in.

Thank you for your continued support of Herd Athletics!

Michael Swaim | Herd Administration
Twitter: GoHerd15
Facebook Fan Page: Purple Herd
PayPal: GoHerd15

Friday, March 9, 2012

Purple Herd is in the hoooouuuuse toniiiiiight...

...HERDrybody just have a good time.  We just want to see you....Herd that.

[dance break]

All better now?  Let's resume our normally scheduled Herd Report.

Eddard Stark promised that winter was coming, however with the Herd's plan to reclaim the iron aluminum throne in the spring 2012 season, winter was clearly too scared to bring the cold and/or the pain.  Or any kind of real snow.  C'mon winter, what's up with that?  Anywho, on a warm March evening that was built for softball, the Mighty Herd took to the pits of WP #3 to remember how to play the game.

Notable on this evening was the return of not one, not two, but three Herd superstars from days gone by.  Ashley "A-Dub/The Legend" Perdue executed perfect Favre-ing and came back to the Herd after a brief stint in retirement.  The time off only seemed to re-ignite the fire in her belly as she smacked the ball all over the field with ease.  Bryan "with the new base distance, can you call me singles and a half?" Timmons also returned to the field after taking the fall to help teach a new baby about what's important in life and start grooming the little man for Herd v6.0.  And in a final twist of fate, Rose "I was here when the Herd Report was born" Ketner showed that her time playing for our arch nemesis only served to improve her skills, hitting like a champ and fielding as if she was wearing a gold glove instead of one that was filled with spiders.

Not to be outdone, the backbone of the Herd was well represented, as Scott "Goose" Walkush decided that, hey if we're not running bases, I'll just hit one over the fence instead of making an inside the park home run.  Chad "Biggie/Big E/Gazelle" White peppered the ball like seasoning on a fine steak, while John "Sparkles" Spivey provided sunflower seeds, questionable laundry tactics, and a blistering on the ball normally reserved for your shoulders on spring break back in Cancun in 2000.  Ah, the memories.  Herd Management continues to inspire the team with his mere presence, class, dignity, and funding for practice.  Seriously Coach, let us help pay for the field next time, mmmmkay?  Christopher "C-Nix" Nixon was a little late to the party and gave up his BP to help plan the newest PGF staple.  Homemade. Purple. Beer.  'Nuff said.

Representing a large portion of the clan, Heather "is it just Ice now?" and We$ "BGF" Miller decided that on this evening, one sport would not be enough, and shared softball duties with soccer and Jackson "he's gonna need a nickname too" as they (in no particular order) batted, fielded, wore shinguards as helmets, watered trees, and were generally just awesomesauce.

And there you have it!  We'll practice again next week with the benefit on Daylight Saving Time, and further solidify our plan for Thursday Co-Rec domination.

(these are reserved for actual games, duh)

Random Herd Facts:

Camp Counselors warn Jason Voorhees when the Herd goes to summer camp.

The Herd once made a robot for its 8th grad science class - we now know this robot as the Terminator.

The Herd can get Blackjack with just one card.

When Alexander Bell invented the telephone he had 3 missed calls from the Herd.

Dont let the sun go down on Herd....

Despite an inexcusable daylight miscalculation by Herd Management, the Mighty Purple Herd kicked off the 2012 Spring season in glorious fashion Thursday night at historic Washington Park field #3. A redefined body, mind and soul for Goose paid off early, with Goose Going Yard for the 1st time in his illustrious career. Goose, no doubt inspired by the emotional appearance of all time Herd Superstar Wes "BGF" Miller was able to pull, push, yank and smack the ball at will, no doubt due to his reconstructed hamstring that has plagued this superstar for 6 grueling years.
It is always entertaining for Herd Management to catch up on what the Herdlings were up to during the long offseason. One particular adventure that perked interest of all involved was that of Herd own 3rd baseman, Sparkles. Sparkles decided to take his offseason activities to a whole new level, dipping into the bio-technology realm in an attempt to create a cure halitosis. Sparkles mixture of cleet, water, sweat, age, heat and funk did not exactly churn out the results he had hoped for, however it did give everyone a pure and true appreciation for personal hygiene.
The Herd Nation would also like to welcome back Ashley Perdue from her one year hiatus. The Legend has already provided huge dividends to the struggling Purp with her eye popping batting display that appears to have not an ounce of rust.
Heather "Ice, just drop the cream" Miller also appears to have been on a heavy regime of steroids, bating practice and Bojangles ice tea over the offseason, as she routinely inflicted pain on the 12" .44 core 375 compression softballs last evening. One could literally hear the softball scream as Miller smacked it around like a British nanny. The 3rd woman in attendance is no stranger to Herd Lore. Manager extrodinaire, Rose "Ket" Ketner showed why she was once the major cog of one of the most storied franchises in Thursday Co-Rec League History. Ket hit the ball with precision and accuracy that Herd Management did not know existed in this universe.
Brian "Doubles" Timmons fear that he may become Brian "Turn and Look" Timmons are unfounded to this point, as Doubles #4evr was able to track down seemingly impossible softballs in the outfield all day/night long. C"Freak"Nix wins the humanitarian with no sox award for his desire to forgo his batting practice for the overall safety of the team. The stunner of the evening came when Goose announced he may be absent for Game 1, leaving super reliever Chad "Biggie Gazelle" White to toe the rubber on the 1st Thursday of April.
Overall, Herd Management feels like this roster is going to surprise some teams this spring.
Next practice will be Thursday, March 15 @ 5:45. I have made arrangements to have the sun stay up for about an hour longer than we got last night.

Thank you for your Continued Support of Herd Athletics,

Herd Management

Thursday, March 8, 2012

And away we go....

As you may have already Herd, today begins our Spring Season, with practice at WP 3 around 5:45 – 6:58. I would like to also reinstitute a Herd tradition starting today: Each and every Thursday shall from this point forward be referred to as Purple Herd THerdsday, meaning that you wear at least one article of prominent Purple clothing. If you do not have anything of the Purple nature on your body today, I suggest that you go home immediately and make this happen.

Also, beginning today the website will resume ongoing activity. Feel free to check continues updates and breaking news.

As a note, I have been able to secure not one, but TWO replacement women for this spring. Rose Ketner of Compensated fame has graciously agreed to help us out in times of need, as has Jeni from Mullen. I am excited to have those two cogs aboard the Herd train this spring.