Friday, April 30, 2010

Say Herd, Say Win, Say it together, Naturally

Game Notes:
Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, the Once Mighty, Then Blundering, Then Mighty again PURPLE BY GOSH HERD overcame more obstacles than the Gosselin children last night in route to a heart felt 18-17 win over the Wings from East Coat. Former Herd Legends Amanda Redding and 9's, John Chappell were on hand Thursday evening to inspire the struggling Purps to a very hard fought, yet well deserving win. The evening began with an emotional, uplifting speech about lawn care and lawn machinery by Herd Super Fan Maggie Gyllenhaal and her partner, Jenny McCarthy. From this point forward, when Herd Management sees a freshly cut outfield or a tattoo inside someone's lip, he will always be reminded of Maggie Gyllenhaal and Jenny McCarthy.

One of the Herd's shortcomings through the first 3 games was the lack of offensive production. On this evening, the Purpleless Herds would regain their offensive prowess in a big way, dropping 18 runs on the defensive minded Wings. La velada tuvo un inicio interesante, con El Chris De Nixon ~ al abrir por primera vez en su carrera Hato La. Nixon no decepcionarlo, va 3-4 con juego de mĂșltiples cambios de carreras impulsadas. Heather "Inappropriate but AWESOME!" Miller was perhaps the most awe inspiring player of the evening, splattering the outfield with base hit after base hit despite still recovering from two of the most brutally disgusting hamstring injuries ever seen. Batting behind Heather, We$ "the exclusive reason we cant have pajama day next week" Miller was put in a position to succeed mightily, driving in a game high lot of runs and proving to Herd Management Pajama day would be a horribly tragic idea. Also contributing at an absurdly high level at the plate was Moe Craft Award. Moe reached base in 3 of her 4 at bats and continues to be a staple on the team and in our hearts. Bryan "unanimous awesome t shirt winner" Timmons, moved to the middle of the batting order for the first time since 1983 produced all night long in a big way. Timmons night was jam packed with the following events that a normal human being could not accomplish in a week, much less CPT(its ok, our waiter said we can use it): down an entire chicken, nachos, fried pickles, multiple beverages, bring in an amazing pregame crowd, play perfect defense in the outfield, drive in multiple runs and STILL forget his glove at the field and retrieve it hours later. A very special Herd acknowledgement goes out to Ashley "1/2 Woman 1/2 Amazing" Perdue for not only her high level of clutchitude down the stretch v/s Wings, but also bringing in the bearer of what has become the most legendary softball athlete of our time, her mom! What is even more amazing is that Mom-o-Legend was able to show up to the field hours before AP. Way to keep everyone on thier toes!!
Super Star Pitcher Scott "gas man" Walkush turned in what may very well be the most inspirational performances of the decade, playing with 2 ripped quads, a torn groin, an ACL sprain and a terrible case of the scurvy. None the less, Walkush was able to come in cold off the bench to provide instant offense and clutch pitching in relief to pick up his 2nd win and 1st save of the season.
Jennifer "You're the meaning in my life, your the inspiration" Miller continues to climb the ever popular ladder of awesomeness on a game by game basis not only with her tear jerking performance on the softball field, but also her performance OFF the field. Not only does she take the time to build character to Herd Management's facebook account, she also does many other things that I dont know about and do not have the time to make up, that makes this world a better place to live on a daily basis.
A very special bucket of kudos must be handed out to Our Fantasy, Erin "Say you, Say me, Say it together, Naturally" Haneline. Not only was fantasy solely responsible for the most amazingly historic t-shirt day Herd promotion in the history of our purple universe, she was also responsible for the game tying run in the bottom of the 7th inning that thrusted our beloved Herds to victory. Add those accomplishments to her recent pinch running endeavors and her skinned knees for the wedding this weekend, and I think we can all agree, The Fantasy is what dreams are made of.

Three very special Herd Game Balls must be presented to the following athletes: The 1st game ball goes to The Gazelle Biggie Chad White. Biggie has become one of the most devastating hitters in the league, and combined with is blinding speed and Purple Socks, he has solidified himself as a legitimate candidate for post season Herd MVP. Biggie was HUGELY "pun intended" responsible for the 8th inning rally to lead the Purps past the wings. Not to be overshadowed by Biggie's accomplishments is 2009 Jessica "Its a very snoopy Christmas!" Hendrix! Hendrix shook off a last minute exit from last weeks game to come back this week with blazing fury. Herd Management does not even want to begin to think about where this team would be without the masterful artwork that Jessica brings to every single game. The last but not least game ball goes to Mr. Clutch, Shane O' Mac Pitcher, EH, 3rd Baseman, Outfielder do everything McLane. Shane delivered the most devastating 3 run triple in Herd History this season, tying the game at 17 in the bottom of the 8th inning. Without that slab of clutch, Herd would have gone home empty handed yet again.

Herd News!
It is of Herd Management's opinion that The Mighty Purple Herd has earned their Purple back with the effort Thursday night, HOWEVER, if anyone has any promotional ideas that they would like to share, Herd Management will listen.

***Evening Awards*** (once again limited due to the loss)

The "Shannon Craft" award for being Shannon Craft goes to Amanda Redding for being Amanda Redding

The "Redding/Haneline" award for most gut wrenching slide goes to AMANDA REDDING!!!! She just has to show up to win this award. A close 2nd place goes to CNix for one of the dustiest slides in the history of Herd Sliding.

The "Order has been Restored" award goes to AMANDA BY GOSH REDDING!!!! for no reason inparticular!

Random Herd Facts:
The Herds personality is so magnetic, they are unable to carry credit cards.
The Herd can speak fluent Russian
The Herds charm is so contagious, vaccines were created for it.
When Aliens abduct the Herd, they ask The Herd to probe THEM
The Herd is a lover, not a fighter. But they are also a fighter so don't get any ideas.

Thank you for your continued support of Herd Athletics

Michael Swaim | Herd Administration
Happy Bear!

Monday, April 26, 2010

Changin' Things up a Little

As you may or may not know, Herd management is in the sewer as far as mental happiness regarding the season thus far for the Beloved Herd. A punishment was handed down Friday asking that each Herd athlete shelve his or her Herd jersey for this upcoming contest with the wings. Thanks to the ever bubbly personality of The Fantasy, Erin Haneline, this punishment has been transformed into what I consider to be the most epic event in Herd History.

This Thursday my friends, instead of wearing our normal Herd Jerseys, we will wear the most ridiculous, embarrassing and or ugly t shirt that we own for our game with the Wings. For example, some will be wearing the ever famous "Tuxedo" t shirts, while others will be wearing Faux Christmas Sweater T Shirts or even 70's Lionel Ritchie T shirts! THE CHOICE IS YOURS!!!

If this does not get us back in the win column, Herd Management will resort to paddling those with poor performances.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Dont Stop Believin'

Last night:
Lab Rats 13 Herd 12
Energy 7 Mullen 2

Herd v/s Wings 7:30
Energy v/s YMC 6:30
Mullen v/s Lab Rats 8:30

YMC A's 2-0
Lab Rats 2-0
Energy 1-1
ECW 1-1
Herd 1-2
Mullen 0-2

Absent Next Week:

Herd Notes:
Herd has a sub .500 record for the first time in 4 years
Herd has a 2 game losing streak for the first time in 4 years

Blog Plug:
Game Notes:
Respected author Charles Dickens once coined the phrase, "It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times. what in the @#9@ is wrong with the Herd?" It what has become one of the most depressing nights of the week for Herd Management, the Once Mighty Purple Herd suffered another heart crushing defeat at the hands of the undefeated Lab Rats by a score of 13-12.

The game got off to a hot and almost sexy start as Bryan "pregame king" "Mr. doubles" stepped up his game and recorded a leadoff triple, however,despite the superhuman efforts of We$ by gosh firkin Miller and Shannon Craft award, the Inglorious Purpstards were unable yet again to get over the hump in the 7th inning. While the season may appear to be taking an unfortunate unc'esq downward spiral into the darkest pits of softball depravity, there is still hope to turn it around. If nothing else, we have officially found our inspiration and motivation to succeed, and that motivation is the pitcher for the Rats. Never before has Herd Management witnessed a more classless and inhumane performance by an opposing pitcher. From this point forward, the rats are our new Compensated. This will be our launching pad to resurrect our season. Friends, we shall not lose another game.

Herd Management would like to thank Heather "seriously, its been like 24 games and still not one single ice cream sandwich" Miller for her heroic efforts at 2nd base. Despite playing with one of the most gruesome injuries to both of her quads that has ever been medically recorded, Mrs. Miller made some of the most spectacular plays at that position in the history of sports. Also playing out of position for a good portion of this game, CNix made a few plays in the outfield that would make Willie Mays Hays envious. Another bright spot on this otherwise deeply depressing evening was the play from behind the plate by Herd Rookie Tonya Burleson. The catch on the baseline was a thing of beauty and grace normally reserved for Broadway ballet performances and SNL skits. Yet another player who deserves some high accolades, THE FANTASY, Erin Hanelene, was 3 for 3 in pinch running opportunities. I will leave that up to the masses to figure out what exactly that means, but congratulations anyway! Yet another player playing out of position, Biggie, Triple Zero, The Gazelle was able to come in cold off the bench and deliver two humongous, biggie sized RBI's that helped bring the team out of its offensive funk and back into contention.

There were some truly bright candles in this otherwise dark dark night. Shane McLane defended the Herd Honor by heckling the deserving Rats pitcher during his 5th inning tirade. Shannon Craft Award picked up where she left off at the end of last season, going a blustery 3-3 on the evening and not making ONE SINGLE ERROR in right Field!! We$ by gosh frikin Miller's 2 jacks in the 3rd and 4th inning were proof that one man can make a difference to the hearts and souls of this softball family. Scott "Goose" Walkush, our heart, our rock, our leader, was once again the most dominating force the co-rec softball world has ever witnessed on the mound and on the basepaths. The epic slide into 3rd that kept a rally going last night was not necessarily a thing of beauty, but it was a thing none the less. Last, but certainly not least, Jennifer "please never leave me" Miller's performance in the field last night, despite facing a 5,331,665,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 pound glowing celestial object for most of the game was nothing short than a thing of beauty. Even more beautiful was Miller's late night Facebook chat with Herd Management, ensuring HM that the Herd will, oh yes they will, turn around this bleak and emotionally devastating season.

Herd News!
Herd Management has made a decision that will not be popular with the club. Herd Jerseys and the color Purple will be officially BANNED from the field starting this Thursday and will last until the Herd is back above .500.

***Evening Awards*** (once again limited due to the loss)

The "Shannon Craft" award for being Shannon Craft goes to Shane McLane for his retaliation against the highly intoxicated Lab Rat Pitcher.

The "Redding/Haneline" award for most gut wrenching slide goes to SCOTT WALKUSH!!!! If we cant win the game, at least take out their catcher baby!!

Random Herd Facts (fyi, when we stop sucking, so will these facts):
When the Herd gets pulled over for speeding, The Herd lets the cop off with a warning.
Helen Kellers favorite color is Purple.
Everybody loves Raymond. Except for the Herd.

And now your punishment for the two game losing streak:
A string once walked into a bar and ordered a drink. The bartender said "I'm sorry string, we dont serve strings in this bar." The string walked outside the bar and tied himself into a knot and frayed up his hair and walked back into the bar and ordered another drink. The bartender said, "arent you that string that was just in here?" The string said, "no, I'm afraid not"

Thank you for your continued support of Herd Athletics

Michael Swaim | Herd Administration
Sad Bear

Friday, April 16, 2010

Another sad Herd song racking my brain like crazy

Game Notes:
2010 Butler Bulldogs to the Duke Blue Devils. 1986 Boston Redsox to the NY Mets. 2000 Tennessee Titans to the St. Louis Rams . These are 3 of the most devastating and emotionally draining loses in the history of sports. Ever. You can now add last nights Purple Herd stunning loss to the YMC A’s to that deeply depressing list.
The evening for the Big Purps began strong, with a historic pregame festivity dinner at Herd favorite Finnegans that included sweet potato fries and super Herd fan and star of the hit cinematic thriller P.C.U, Jeremy Piven. The Herd athletes in attendance were being confused early and often for Winston Salem Dash players, at times being stalked and almost physically harassed into giving fans autographs, pictures and tasty olive dip. This would turn out to be a negative omen for the events that were to come however, for it is a rare occurrence that the Herd is mistaken for a lesser group of so called athletes.
The Mighty Purps put the embarrassment of being mistaken for a High Single A ball club behind them and stormed out of the gates to take an early 2-0 lead behind the mighty bat of pregame festivity Hero Bryan “I’ll take 2 please” Timmons and Herd rookie Jennifer “where the heck have you been my whole life?” Miller. The fun would end there as the up and coming YMC A’s would put 3 on the board in the bottom of the 1st. It would be a telling sign when 2009 MVP Chris Nixon hits a shot down the third baseline that was traveling so fast it produced a jet stream, striking the A's 3rd basewoman squarely in the face, yet she still has enough time to regroup and throw out the speedy Nixon. This single play has prompted Herd Management to request that the YMC A's be tested for performance and gender enhancing drugs at the next league meeting. Despite what many pundits consider the most amazing bounce back pitching performance in the prestigious history of the sport by the Gazzelle, the A’s were able to slowly extend their lead to 3 by the 3rd inning. The 3 run lead would have been insurmountable had it not been for the heroics at 2nd base by the reigning MVP and newly engaged Jessica “You still a freak” Hendrix and a spectacular Jeff Franceour’esq catch by Super Legend Ashley Perdue in right field.
The defensive efforts in the 5th inning lit a fire under the dormant bats of the Herd. Led by perhaps the most physically, mentally and emotionally dominating athletic presence this world or any other world has ever seen, We$ "by gosh frikin" Miller got things going in the top of the 7th to lead a voilently furious rally to take a 2 run lead. Thanks to some timly hitting by super rookies Shane "No Glove!" McLane, Jennifer "my favorite facebook friend" Miller and Tonya "You have a tatoo on your leg" Burleson that allowed the Freak Miller to hit a towering pop fly that drove in 3 to put the Herd up by 2 runs, or 3 if you are a YMC A scorekeeper.
The lead woudl be short lived however, as the A's were able to get all 3 runs back in the next two innings to stun the Amazing Purps in 9 innings.

A tremendous amount to respect in this game must be given to the Haneline/Miller sisters for not only physically but vocally leading the almost miraculous rally past the undefeated A's. Both sisters came into this game with debalitiating injuries that would have your average Dash player hospatilized for weeks. In this game however, the Haneline/Miller sisters showed what it means to be True Purple. From taking out players, fans and umps with flying rouge bats to giving words of advice to Herd Management, reminiscent of fortune cookie fortunes, these two ladies stand out in an otherwise deeply depressing, emotionally draining and highly solemn evening that has driven Herd management into fits of rage, uncontrollable tears, and deep depression over the past 12 hours.

Herd News!
Official WS Dash Coordinator, Bryan Timmons has stumbled upon an amazing opportunity for the ORIGINAL team in Purple. If we can get 20 people together to go to a WS Dash game, we can all come together on the HR Deck and have our name announced on the huge scoreboard during the game. Please let me and Mr. Timmons know when you can do this. I believe the hope was for next Tuesday to make this happen. Tickets are only $9.00 and I think this would be an important venture to get our names back out in the community in the comming days ahead.

***Evening Awards*** (limited due to the loss)

The "Shannon Craft" award for being Shannon Craft goes to Scott Walkush. Think on that one for a second.

The "Redding/Haneline" award for most gut wrenching slide goes to We$ by gosh frikin Miller for his high wire act of a defensive play about 130 yards into left center field.

Random Herd Facts:
The Herd eats steak for every single meal. Most times they forgets to kill the cow.

The Herd does not own a stove, oven or microwave because revenge is a dish best served cold (that’s for you YMC A’s!)

The Herd does not get frostbite. The Herd bites frost.

The Herd eats beef jerky and poops gunpowder. Then, thye use that gunpowder to make a bullet, which they uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."

Monday, April 12, 2010

Herd is BACK!

Courtesy of Special Herd Correspondent Mr. Shane McLane....

Greetings Herd Purps! (I neglected Erin, I think, due to the fact that her inbox SURELY would have erupted after receiving this bit of news!!)
I don’t know if others in the Thursday night crowds (including Prince and his Purpleness Revolution) realize this, but as the 2010 rookie of the Mighty Purple Herd, I now see why this virtually unstoppable squad is the most dominant and powerful team within the last millennia! Not only did they prevail in last night’s tsunami-like rainfall, it’s HOW they ascertained their opening victory.
As I slowly strolled up the asphalt JUST before the first pitch from the camouflaged Mulleners I pondered “will the Herd triumph within the mired, puddle-filled infield and marshy outfield”? Is it possible? Well, it didn’t take long to figure out one of MY life’s most burning questions.
As liquid precipitation began to descend upon the finest team to ever tread within the confines of Washington National Park, it quickly became apparent that the Herd came for one reason and one reason only, TO ANNIHILATE! From the 1st inning onward, the bats (the mighty orange and black freak among them) were on fire! They flaunted a conflagration of flames that could not be quenched even by the 1st inning rains.
Therefore, the showers turned into a most monstrous fa shizzile, mizzle drizzle, that has reportedly triggered the indefinite closure of the newly erected downtown BB&T Ballpark. That didn’t stop the Herd! The 2nd base wonder-woman prevented even the most hard-hit line drives from leaving the infield. Two 300 mph drives were snagged by Scott “the Muther Goose” Walkush at his pitching mountain. And as if the Herd’s 12-0 lead wasn’t embarrassing enough, Goose’s collaboration with short-stop We$ley Swipes at 2nd base turned a 1st base overthrown ball into a resounding OUTTA THERE at bag # 2, IN THE FREAKING POURING DRENCHED SOAKING RAIN! Oh, and let’s not forget Goose’s inside the park homerun and dos strikeouts. (do I hear debut MVP?)
I apologized if I deliriously omitted anyone’s finer moments last night. Everyone was AWESOME, reminding the population of Winston Salem why softball seasons exist across the country. It is because the HERD is BACK!!