Friday, May 4, 2012

Like Sands through an hourglass, so are the days of our Herd


Herd 6 Flow 17

Next Week: 

Absent Next Week:?

On the Edge of Glory:
 time since 2007 that the Mighty Purple Herd has begun a season 0-3.
The Herd is 0-3 this year when scoring fewer runs than their opponent.

Game Notes:

Dyson Vacuum’s.  Wake Forest Basketball.  No TP after Mexican.  A life without ever experiencing the entire Marcy Playground library.  These things all suck.  Hard.  Nothing however can compare to the complete suckocity of being in last place after 4 weeks of the Spring Season.  As has always been the case with the Herd, this team’s heart runs far deeper than wins and loses.  Its personalities such as Shannon Craft Award and her steady, consistent demeanor that  matches her talent at the plate.  Her bat, always solid, was limited by the superhuman machine at shortstop on this evening. 
One of the most pleasant surprises of this early season is the play of Rose “Ket” Ketner.  Ket has improved by leaps and bounds from her days as the dictator of the dastardly Compensateds.  If the improvement continues at this pace, she will be on the course for legen…wait for it…dary status.
“Downtown” Kyle Brown turned in one of the most magnificent efforts at 2nd base in many moons last night, despite playing on one knee.  It was not only the complete control of 2nd base that was impressive, but her ability to shrug off the completely stoned kid walking to the car was nothing short of amazing.  Yes kid, I did hit a home run over the dog fence and into a dogs face.  The dog was fine.  You sir, are not.
There is nothing that warms the heart and mind more than the pure domination of 1st base by the Legend, Ashley Perdue.  AP continues to be robbed of base hits by superhuman machine shortstops, however her play at first is nothing short of dazzling.  People in the stands were actually referring to her as the Backho because she was digging everything out of the dirt.  I’m not sure how to spell backho, but a backho is a piece of machinery that digs stuff.
There simply is not a woman in the league at this current moment in time that is hitting the ball harder and with more force that Heather “Ice” Miller.  The only thing stopping Ice from batting in the upper 800’s this season is superhuman machine shortstops.  Ice has already accomplished the Herd trinity of positions, playing 3 different positions in 3 games this season.  Some may chalk this up to poor management, and they would be right, but others would put this in the category of tremendous versatility.

Fantasy Report:

Due to the fact that Fantasy called out Herd Management for being lazy a few weeks ago (rightly so), she has earned her own section of the Herd report.  Fantasy has become so dominate in the outfield that teams are intentionally hitting the ball in the opposite direction.  Fantasy has become the Dikembe Mutombo of the outfield at this point.

At this point there are no objectives that exist in the human language that can properly give Scott “Goose” Walkush the respect and admiration that he deserves.  Has anyone ever given more to anything than Goose does the Herd?  The only things that come to mind that would be comparable are the musical gifts that LMFAO has given to the world over the last few years.  That said, I’ve never seen LMFAO lose their voice screaming at players to run it out to 1st base.

Speaking of running it out, as was evident last night, there is no more perfectly beautiful creature running the bases that our very own Biggie Trip Z Gazelle.  Trip turned at least 3 singles into doubles last night, despite playing against a superhuman machine robot at shortstop.  Sunsets at the beach and Gazelle rounding 1st base are truly the 2 most remarkable spectacles ever crated.

Flow wasnt the only team on this evening to sport a superhuman machine robot at shortstop.  The Mighty BY GOSH FRIKIN I DON’T CARE WHAT OUR RECORD IS WE STILL ROCK YOUR FACE OFF Purple Herd sport their very own super human machine robot at shortstop, and our doesn’t have the personality of a dead oak tree.  Freak Nix brings the freak every single night and makes plays at short that Jose’ “you suck” Reyes can only dream of.  I’m not ashamed to admit that I love Freak Nix…and you should too.

While for the most part the Herd bats have been stagnant all year long.  That can NOT be said for our defiant Sparkles.  Despite giving Flow 3 runs by allowing the inept Herd Management to play RC instead of him, in turn allowing an embarrassing ground ball to graze the right daddy part of said HM, Sparkles continues to be the biggest offensive contributor on the team.  If he isn’t crushing the rear window of station wagons sitting 40 yards behind center field, he is burning left fielders with scorching rockets sent flying through the humid night.

Herd Management hasn’t had an official opportunity to express his utmost greatfullness in having Doubles back on the roster full time. Doubles brings not only a very high level of ability to the team, he also brings a very high level attendance to the required yet not attended pre game festivities.  He is also doing this:  Timmons Rules! Click Here to see why and how

Herd Management was overcome with emotion upon seeing the PGF attendees yesterevening.  David Allred and Maggie “Candy” Ghyllenhaul are two of the most dedicated and tremendous Herd Athletic Supporters.  It is truly the case that without these two fine individuals that the entire Herd Enterprise would not continue to exist.  I can not, nor do I want to envision a world in which Allred and Ghyllenhaul are not a part of the Herd Nation. 

The Shannon Craft award for Being Shannon Craft goes to Biggie.  Biggie has never won this award, however he was so Shannon Craft last night.  So so Shannon Craft.

The “Herd Pride” award goes to Downtown Kyle Brown.  Downtown’s constant infield chatter made it increasingly difficult for Flow to score their hard earned 14 runs and easier earned 3 runs due to the embarrassing faux pas
 by HM in RC.

The Haneline Miller Slide award goes to Freak Nix!  My heart melts everytime we try to break up a double play.

Random Herd Factoids:
As a toddler, the Herd taught others to walk.
At a bookstore, others crowd around the Herd just to watch them read.
If a monument were built in the Herd honor, Mt. Rushmore would close due to poor attendance.
The Herd’s cereal NEVER gets soggy.  It just sits there, staying crispy.
The Herd can speak French, in Russian

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