Friday, June 8, 2012

(Loaded) Bats? We don't need no stinkin' (loaded) bats.

Herd 21, Flow 5
Everyone else: Who cares, we won!  Woohoo!

6:30 vs. Flex on WP #3
Pregame Festivities: Done for the season, aren't you sad you missed out last night?


In its long and storied history, many things have been said of the Herd.
"Are you from the Dash?"
"Can I pleeeeeeeaaaaase try out for the team?"
"Can I get a picture and an autograph?"
"Oh no, do we have to play the Herd again?"
"This team will be an easy win."

Not until last night, in the "good game" line no less, has the Herd heard cries of loaded bat.  Cheater.  Very attractive and young-looking team (at least 2 of those happened).  That's right, the same Herd that has a) been mercy ruled in all but 2 3 games this season, and b) used the same old bats for approximately 5 seasons, have stooped to the level of trickery and bat shaving to get ahead at the end of a lost season.  Maybe steroids too.  And while we're being honest, I've been wearing those heelie roller skate shoes to track down balls in the outfield.  That sounds about right, right?  How could the Herd go from zero to giant cheating hero in a mere week?  Let's take a look.

In an inauspicious start, PGF attendance set a new record low.  Really, I felt the need to mention that, but don't want to talk about it.  It just hurts too bad.  Maybe, just maybe, PGF can return to its glory days in the spring?  The game started like most games have this season.  The Herd batted a few, didn't score, and gave up a few runs to start in a hole.  Uh oh.  But then something happened.  Something awesome.  The Herd played ball.  The Herd batted around.  The Herd scored 21 runs.  We locked up the defensive end, anchored by brilliant pitching, hitting and chants of "get it in! get it in!" by Scott "the Goose was totally loose, for real" Walkush.  Fueled by the soundtrack to Rock of Ages, Bryan "Micheal Duble" Timmons waited for a while to get on base.  This blast of amazingly awesome hair band music would not translate to immediate success in the game and Doubles/Duble got out a lot before finally finding some solid base hits after some coaching from Rose "Ket" Kettner and some great sign-calling from Ashley "Legen...wait for it...dary" Perdue.

Biggie "Trip Zs/Gazelle" White not only shook up the lineup while serving duties of Herd Management, but hit the ball brilliantly.  And watching the grace and pure power of the Gazelle legging out a triple brings tears to the eyes of most mortal men and women.  Glorious.  Heather "Ice" Miller shook off some pregame goosebumps as well as a long string of great hits to the wrong spots to return to her normal form, crushing the ball and (oh-oh-oh-OH-oh) hangin' tough in LF.  John "Sparkles" Spivey continues his assault on the ball and extended his home run streak to 72 games.  Shannon Craft Award secured her namesake award for being Shannon Craft, not only hitting the ball well, but also running bases hard in front of Duble.

Christopher "Freak" Nixon barely escaped a streak through the quad to the gymnasium at PGF, only to show up to the game, field and hit better than all of Flow AND provide that juiced bat that made us awesome again.  And who are we forgetting?  Oh yeah.  Help Me, Rhonda (bow, bow, bow, bow) stepped in to fill the void left by DTKB and Fantasy admirably.  Anchoring 2B, joining the Herd hit parade, and sweating excellence (as is required by Herd bylaws).  Rhonda, we're a superstitious bunch, so we're gonna go ahead and need you to play next week, mmmmmkay?  And Herd, remember - no one washes any of yesterday's game attire before next week's swan song.


The Shannon Craft Award for being Shannon Craft award goes to...Our beloved Orange Bat that shall now and forevermore be known as the Differencemaker (or something better that you think up).

The Redding/Haneline award for most gut-wrenching slide goes to...John Spivey!  You say blooper duck snort of a base hit, Sparkles says no ma'am.

The Herd Management's Spirit award goes to...Herd Managment!  We missed you.  So much.  But it felt like you were right there, giving too-hard high fives and back pats.  I hope you bet it all on Purple in the casinos last night.

The Whatchu talkin' bout, Willis? award goes to...Christopher Nixon!  The Herd thanks you for doing what we all wanted to do post game - call out that team for calling us out as cheaters.

Random Herd Facts:

The Herd can tap dance in flip-flops.

Fast food restaurants were created so that people could eat while running from the Herd.

The Herd's rice krispies don't say crap until he tells them to.

The Herd shot the sheriff, but he did not shoot the deputy. He roundhouse kicked him in the face instead.

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