We Are The Champions, My Herd

****Please understand that this was written at approx 1:15 am est this morning. What you are about to read has no logical flow and will make very little sense. To sum it up, The Mighty Purple Herd is your 2009 Fall THL Champions and Compensated is not.*****


Good Morning Herd!!!
Last night:

Incented 17 Compensated 11 <----Eliminated. 3rd place is cute though. (snicker)
Herd 13 Incented 0 <----Incented Eliminated, Herd CHAMPS!

Next Week:
Enjoy The next 20 weeks off.

Absent Next Week:
Everyone

Herd Notes:
Herd has won back to back titles for the 1st time in franchise history
Herd has won via mercy rule in the last two championship games
Herd won 20 games in 2009, a franchise record.
Herd defeated Incented by scores of 26-13, 18-8, and 13-0 this fall season.

Game Notes:
We are the Champions, my friend.
In the sports world, the term perfection is carelessly thrown around like a softball in the compensated outfield. On this glorious and unforgettable night however, Herd Nation reminded the world that true and passionate perfection does indeed exist. The MIGHTY HERD CHAMPIONS put all the pieces together tonight in what proved to be one of the most lopsided Championship game victories in Tarheel League History. The Heart and Soul of the Big Purps, Erin, The Fantasy Haneline, once again overcame the unfortunate lack of toilet paper AND toilets on this night to flash brilliant leather in the outfield and hustle out every single one of her hits for the first time in Haneline History. Despite being the unfortunate victim of Herd Management in game calculations, AnnaManda Holland continued her mind boggling streak of not having one single ball hit in her direction all night. As a side note, Herd Management is looking forward to AnnaManda being able to legally drive to the games next year. It’s a privilege, not a right. AnnaManda’s official cheaufer’ Amanda Redding continued her assault on the emotional well being of Herd Management by neglecting to commit herself to next season. Herd Administration can put hurt feelings aside on this night however and congratulate Redding on her spectacular play all season, especially in the championship game. Unfortunately, Amanda was also a victim of the lack of rest-room facilities, however I am sure she made the gentleman living in the woods a very happy person on this evening. Jessica “the Freak” Hendrix, the likely winner of the Woman MVP Award, was yet again devastating at 2nd base, forcing Incented to hit the ball to the other side of the field all game long. Hendrix also laid down one of the sweetest INTENTIONAL swinging bunts anyone will ever see in a softball game. In perhaps her best game of the season, Heather “The Natural” Haneline Miller was exquisite with the bat on this glorious evening. Miller had the entire Incented defense guessing all night long. Unfortunately for the dark blue’s, they guessed wrong. However yet again, Hanelines on the field accomplishments will be greatly overshadowed by the fact that she introduced bite size ice cream sandwiches to the team, yet did not deliver. One. Single. Bite.

At this time, Herd Management would like to recognize the accomplishments of two very special, wonderfully and overly talented women, Shannon Craft and Ashley Perdue. Over the past 4 weeks, Shannon Craft displayed generous flashes of greatness with her bat. Shannon reached base in 14 of her final 18 at bats and single handily generated an environment of peace and well being with her amazingly confident demeanor. Ashley Perdue, one of the founders of your MIGHTY PURPLE HERD, finally found herself back in the lineup and on the right side of a championship game. Without Ashley Perdue, one of the all time Herd greats, the Mighty Purple Herd would have likely had to settle for wallowing in a sea of mediocrity with the folks from compensated this season.

Normally the Herd Women show up to play and carry the Purps to victory, however the Herd gentlemen lived up to their all star billing on this night as well. It all starts with Herd superstar Bryan Timmons, who simply can not be thrown out by a mere mortal at first base The blinding speed of Timmons can only be equaled by the stunningly beautiful mobility of Chad Trip Z White. Herd Management takes great joy and satisfaction watching the big man make his journey around the basepaths, mocking the speed of teenage jaguars on his way. Incented’s game plan was to obviously try to avoid hitting the ball to the Herd women all night, so their only other option was to hit it to the Herd men. Little did they know that the combination of Christopher Nixon and Wes BY GOSH Miller would rip the heart out of the Incented offense, THROW IT ON THE GROUND and turn 3 majestic inning ending double plays. If the defense of the Herd men was not soul crushing enough, the offense was simply glorious. Moonshot Miller delivered the almost cartoonish hit of the night, allowing Cnix to make it from 1st to 3rd before the ball ever landed. Softball superstud, Chad Dub, ran his ridiculous batting average through the roof, driving in multiple RBI’s on his way to Championship game male Herd MVP. The story of the night however belonged to the greatest pitcher to ever step foot on the mound in the illustrious history of the Tar Heel League, Mr. Scott Walkush. Scott has delivered gems from the mound before, however never in the history of co-rec softball has one been witness to such an astonishing pitching performance in a championship game. Walkush only allowed one Incented runner to advance past 1st base, striking out 4 and walking none. Not only did Walkush pitch what every single sports analyst in the history of all of sports, ever, call the best game in history, he delivered in a HUGE way with the bat, going an electrifying 3 for 3 at the plate. Congratulations to everyone for all of their contributions to this special night, bringing the Herd back to its rightful place on top of the Co-Rec Softball Universe!!

***Note from Herd Management***
As Herd Management began his final post softball game trek down US-421, the thoughts and recollections of this amazing 2009 season began to flood his softball genius mind. This season actually began with an 18-19 loss to Compensated in last falls championship game. As the winning run crossed the plate on that fateful night, Herd Administration began unadulteratedly obsessing with the ultimate take-down of the comps and the rightful recrowing as Herd Kings and Queens of the softball Universe. For 6 solid months, Herd Administration ate, drank, slept, walked, talked and dreamed about the events of this very night, a night where The Mighty Purple Herd would be placed back on the throne as the true dominators of Co-Rec Softball. As Miley Cyrus belted out the final chorus of the climb while Herd Administration was pulling into the driveway of Herd Estates, an overwhelming sense of accomplishment and emotion overcame him, sending him into fits of emotional jubilation similar to a live performance by Shakira. Herd Management would like to thank everyone who made this season, this glorious season, possible. From Johnny Frikin Walker, to Blake Bromance Murphy, down to everyone who participated in pregame festivities and responded to ridiculous email after ridiculous email, to the First Baptist Church Youth Group, and to every single fan who attended any Herd game... thank you for making 2009 The Year of the Purple Herd! If Herd Management does not see you again until the spring, everyone have a Happy Halloween, Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Happy My Birthday, Happy Valentines day and Happy St. Patricks day. God Bless. 1 John 2:77 Dear friends, I am not writing a new commandment for you; rather it is an old one you have had from the very beginning. This old commandment—to love one another—is the same message you heard before

***Evening Awards***
The FINAL "Shannon Craft" award of the year for being Shannon Craft goes to SHANNON CRAFT for her resurrected bat and her shoulders in which she carried the Mighty Herd on in the last 3 games!!

The FINAL "Haneline/Redding" award for most gut wrenching slide goes to AMANDA REDDING for her impassioned slide into third to start a HUGE Herd rally.

The FINAL "Bubbalicious" award goes to Chris Nixon for his unwittingly desire to provide delicious purple goodness for the entire squad, night in and night out.

The “No firkin way he hit a ball that high” award goes to Wes BY GOSH Miller for his almost comical triple into the glorious purple night.

The “Ussain Bolt” award goes to Biggie for his angelic scampers around the base paths tonight.

The “Quote of a lifetime” award goes to Jessica Hendrix. We should win more championships. Oh wait, WE DO!!!

The “Do you really wanna hurt me?” award goes to Amanda Redding. Come on.

The "Greatest Herd Photographer ever" award goes to Mini-Me, Emma Swaim for her 93206 random Herd pictures of this glorious evening.

The "Grant Hill" award for being Mr. Do Everything for back to back champions goes to uber star Chad-Dub-Welch for his ridiculously high level of softball talent

Random Herd Facts:
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. The Herd can kill 100 percent of whatever the heck they want.

The Herd’s calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools The Herd.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for The Herd.
Once a cobra bit The Herd’s leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

The Herd does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. The Herd goes killing.

Giraffes were created when The Herd uppercutted a horse.

The Herd can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon

The Herd sold its soul to the devil for its rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts/softball playing ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Purp roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming.

They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

The Herd can build a snowman out of rain.

The Herd once punched a man in the soul.

The Herd is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, they ate a frikin Jeep.

The Herd once bowled a 300. Without a ball. They weren’t even in a bowling alley.

The Herd is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.

and for the last time in 2009,
Thank you for your continued support of Herd Athletics,
Michael Swaim
Herd Management
2009 World Champions