The HERD is The Greatest
HERD Report- 9-2-2011
The HERD is The Greatest by: R Kelly
The Herd is a mountain
The Herd is a tall tree
ooooh, we are a swift wind,
Sweepin' Forsyth County
The Herd is a river,
Down in the valley
ooooh, we are a vision
And we can see clearly
If anybody asks you who we are
Just stand up tall
Look 'em in the face and say
We’re that star up in the sky
We’re that mountain peak up high
Hey we made it, mmmmmm
The Herd is the greatest
And we’re that little bit of hope
When our back's against the ropes
We can feel it, mmmmmm
The Herd is the greatest
(the worlds greatest, worlds greatest , for ever )
The Herd is a giant
The Herd is an eagle
ooh, we are a lion
Down in the jungle
The Herd is a marchin' band
The Herd is the people
ooh, The Herd is a helping hand
The Herd is a hero
If anybody asks you who we are
Just stand up tall
Look 'em in the face and say
We’re that star up in the sky
We’re that mountain peak up high
Hey we made it, mmmmmm
The Herd is the greatest
And we’re that little bit of hope
When our back's against the ropes
We can feel it, mmmmmm
The Herd is the greatest
(the worlds greatest, worlds greatest , for ever )
In the ring of life we’ll rain love (we will rain) and the world will notice the HERD (oooohhhhh yahhhhh) when there is darkness Herd will shine a light (shine a light) and views of success reflect in the HERD
We’re that star up in the sky
We’re that mountain peak up high
Hey we made it, mmmmmm
The Herd is the greatest
And we’re that little bit of hope
When our back's against the ropes
We can feel it, mmmmmm
The Herd is the greatest
(the worlds greatest, worlds greatest , for ever )
The HERD is THE GREATEST!!!!
Last Night:
HERD- 18
Boneless Hushers (like we made them quiet, get it?)- Way less than the HERD
Absent Next Week? How could you not come after the clinic we put on last night?
Game Notes:
Complete opposites: Fire and Ice, Cheeseburgers and celery, Hitler and Ghandi, Lady GaGa and good music……The Herd two weeks ago and the HERD THIS WEEK!
In a season of ups and downs, on a night when EVERY Herd member was prepared for battle, The HERD unleashed one of the most ferocious a$$ whoopings anyone has ever dealt or received. The Bone Crushers were ironically doomed to a fate described simply by their own team name. We pummeled them mercilessly and took every. single. piece of glory from the blood laden field of dirt and chalk.
To be quite honest, last night’s events are a bit of a blur to me as I reflect this morning, simply because EACH and EVERY member of the HERD contributed, at some point or another, superior athletic ability and hitting prowess. In my short and life-changing stint as a member of the HERD, I have NEVER seen us hit, field and run so well, with so much stamina that the only thing that might ever come close to rivaling it would be a mythical ballerina cheetah with the feet of John Travolta, the biceps of Hulk Hogan, the head of Michael Jackson and the eyes of a hawk wearing a Lynard Skynard t shirt.
After the HERD had established a commanding lead through 4 innings of play, the softball gods felt inclined to let the world know that a new era had been born. The wind howled, the sky went black, leaves covered the field, and the rains of rebirth washed down upon the HERD as we marched to victory, representing the cleansing of our past and the destiny of greatness to come in our future just like Natalie Portman in the movie “V for Vendetta” when she stands on the rooftop in the rain with V. Only in this case, the circumstances were much more important than some silly revolution that affected the lives of entire countries and human rights. This was serious. This was HERD softball at it’s finest……this was perfection.
The bats came alive on this night, with each and every Herd member putting good wood on the ball and contributing to our massively enormous run total. Our new balls were the star of the evening, deciding to travel over the outfield fence three times and setting a HERD record for the first time we have EVER maxed out our home run allowance in the process. Led by Christopher Nixon aka “FreakNix” aka “C-NIX” aka “Who is Albert Puhols?…..” aka “lets see if I can lose all of the new balls Sparkles just bought by hitting them over Peters Creek Parkway”, the night was a display of magic set in motion by the encouragement of our fearless leader, Coach Swaim.
Misty “Minch” Inch showed everyone why she will be on the cover of a Wheaties box by the end of the fall with her rocket single to centerfield, scoring a run and increasing the Herd’s lead. Scott “Goose” Walkush didn’t surprise anybody at all by hitting his 3874579475457467346578646574 inside the park home run of his career, proving once again that his sweat should be bottled and auctioned on eBay and all proceeds should be put towards the national deficit, thereby generating so much revenue that we actually end up with a government surplus and with that surplus money, create HSN, HERD Sports Network, where every single American is required, by law, to watch every HERD game that is played, with the consequences of not watching that you will be hit in the face with a fastball thrown by local HERD supporters that must be greater than or equal to the force of the average airspeed velocity of an unladen Swallow, African or European.
Newcomer Gina destroyed the ball again, and spared my life as I coached third base in the process. Chris Pfffhfffpfffol’s prowess at the plate made me wonder if Tee Time is the name of his other softball team or if he owns a company called Tee Time that specializes in bringing pain to anything their customers wish. Fantasy slapped the yellow out of the ball and reached first with the speed of Jackie Joyner-Kersey mixed with a Lamborghini. MikeSwaim embarrassed the other teams pitcher by destroying the ball like it was a metaphorical HERD loss. I was waiting for him to go and grab his freshly hit line drive ball, grab it with both hands, rip it in half, then crumble the remains into dust, then do the LeBron pregame powder fiasco with said dust.
Shannon Craft has created an image for herself with her baffling ability at the plate that has created some strange symptoms for the rest of the team. I’m not sure if there is a medical diagnosis for this, but what is it called when someone is so good that every time you look at her you see a dark silhouette filled with graffiti style words that are synonymous with greatness?? Studies have shown these symptoms to be present in 107% of people who have seen her play, and have dubbed the blessing: “Craftwreaksofgreatnessandblindsyouwithabilitysoshutuporshewillmeltyourfacewithherlimitlesstalent-osis” and the only cure is mercy provided by Chuck Norris. Translation- there is no cure.
Heather “Ice” Miller put on a dazzling display in left field and hit the crap out of the ball for the HERD. It brought tears to my eyes.You, ma’am, are a major valve operating the heart of the machine that is “HERD Softball.” The Gazelle was back to his old tricks, smashing line drives and picking off rocket line drives at third, representing Appalachian State with his timeless “Appoholics” shirt. The day his game uniform matches everyone else’s will be the day the HERD collapses forever. Big E, don’t you go-a-changin’. J-Dub Johnson also gave the fans what they came for with her killer instinct and fierce eye at the plate, connecting on a pitch that sent the infielder scampering for cover and unable to make a play at first. She also offered her backpack for Sparkles to hide his phone from the Purple Rain, preserving an expensive and important item that would have cost many dollars to replace and given him problems with his recently acquired legal marriage partner.
All I know is, King Joffrey better be glad that The Herd isn’t on the hit HBO series “Game of Thrones” because we would hit soft-toss line drives on the battlefield, viscously eliminating our enemies in less than 7minutes and renaming the Seven Realms to HERDland. Then we would create mini theme parks where each member of the HERD would rule, requiring our captives to recite inspirational quotes to us constantly, travelling minstrels to play theme music whenever we walk based on the mood we are in, people would use pictures of HERD members as currency, and every chef from the Food Network to cook us meals that we would eat at our HERD dining table on the top of a mountain surrounded by babies that never cry and re-enactments of our fondest childhood memories performed by ONLY Academy Award winning actors.
HERD Awards:
The Shannon Craft Award for being Shannon Craft goes to Misty Inch. Misty, I felt the pain of the ball you hit to center field. I'm surprised it didn’t evaporate.
The Chris Nixon Award for nearly losing our brand new softballs while simultaneously wowing everyone with raw power goes to Chris Nixon!
The HERD Greatness Award goes to the entire HERD squad. Without us all, this wouldn’t have been possible.
Random HERD Facts:
The HERD doesn't throw softballs fast….softballs are terrified of HERD hands and flee that quickly.
Tapeworms give food to the HERD
Cans of whoopass have the HERD's team photo on the label.
Be proud HERD. Last night, we played softball. We did everything it takes to be winners, and we made it look sexy. Enough said.
HERD For Life.
Love always,
Sparkles
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