An Open Letter from Sparkles

Fellow Herdspeople,

I apologize for my delayed response to the final HERD Report. I was away on my honeymoon all last week without access to email, and I was running around that Friday doing wedding stuff. Apparently the smoke signals I sent from Mexico werent big enough to reach my Herd brothers and sisters.

I was told that the water in the Caribbean was an unbelievable shade of blue and that I wouldn’t believe it until I saw it. I'm not sure if its a seasonal thing, but the entire time I was down there, the water was a breathtakinglyradiant purple. I saw purple beaches and met purple people. Kristin's eyes were purple and I saw some amazing purple sunsets every day. I'm not sure why everything was so different, but I've got a doctors appointment this week and hopefully he can tell me why everything I see is in purple…… After some googling, I've found some online banter from people who have had the same symptoms and blame it on some scientific garbage about weak electromagneticfield pulses, blah- blah- blah (http://forums.wrongdiagnosis.com/showthread.php?t=39444).

I spent many hours digging and digging for more information, and I finally stumbled across a disease that I feel best describes my condition. Only about .0007% of Triad citizens have ever shown the symptoms and been diagnosed with this, and yes it is recognized by every single medical book/society/expert/genius in the world, especially the Gesundheit Institute. Please view the following information and if you are exhibiting these same symptoms- consult your doctor, drug dealer or preacher (in my case all the same guy) immediately.

Purpleoscious amblyopiatic herdacious wewillcrushallthosewhostandinourwaythisspringwithacreepysmileonourfaces-itus

Symptoms

&#8226 Seeing everything in purple
&#8226 Bleeding purple
&#8226 Crying purple
&#8226 Constantly googling the word “purple” to see if there is anything new in the world to become obsessed with
&#8226 Inserting the word "purple" or "herd" when those words have no business being in purple a sentence. (see how I did that?)
&#8226 Dreaming about purple softballs scaling outfield fences while the opposing team cries and melts into the ground like the Wicked Witch in Oz, bleachers full of old women with purple perms and tuxedo t-shirts cheer “Herd, Herd, Herd,” Chuck Norris repeatedly round house kicks the other teams coach who looks like Hitler, and Tracy Chapman sings “Fast Car’ from our dugout wearing tie-died jeans and a sport coat, and plays a guitar with a picture of my face painted on it. (or maybe that’s just me?)

&#8226 The strange desire to eat purple foods e.g.- eggplant, purple cabbage, Herd Stew (herd stew is not yet an actual dish. Once I find a combination of purple foods that, when mixed together in a low sodium beef broth and boiled, tastes even close to half the deliciousness of a Herd victory, I will share the recipe and sell it to Wolfgang Puck for a large fortune, rendering all future league dues and equipment purchases unnecessary, also fulfilling the large need for a purple Lamborghini/school bus for team use on gamedays (maybe some Chrystal too))

Cures
Chuck Norris’ tears….. too bad he never cries
Death
?

Notes: In some cases, even death won’t cure Purpleoscious amblyopiatic herdacious wewillcrushallthosewhostandinourwaythisspringwithacreepysmileonourfaces-itus. Once infected, the host can only succumb to the power of the purple.

Please share your symptoms you may have with everyone else.

Together, we can beat this awesome disease. (Not really, once the Herd has taken over, abandon all hope.)

Love,
Sparkles