Herd Wins, Holy Cow!

Not long ago, a wise man actor playing a wise borderline alcoholic sports commentator posed a serious question:

"Hey! If you were a hot dog...and you were starving, would you eat yourself?"  I know I would.  I'd smother myself in brown mustard and relish.  I'd be delicious.  What, my gentle Herd, does this have to do with last night's faux game?  I'm not really sure, honestly, but I am kind of hungry.

Last night the Mighty Herd once again whipped itself into a game-like frenzy to take on our friends at Tee Time.  Not since, well, ever has there been so much excitement around a game that counted for nothing but bragging rights, than there was last night on WP#4.  Since there was no official score keeper, I claim that we won by 37.

Led as always by Herd "I'm Half the Man I Used to be #loseit" Management, the Purps took to the field first to flash a little leather, and recorded a record 22 outs.  In one inning!  In perhaps the most exciting play of the young preseason, John "Sparkles, no wait, is it Flipper, no it's still Sparkles" Spivey made a catch that could only be described as eh-eh, eh-eh.eheheheh-tastic (ask Sparkles to translate that from dolphin to English).  Bryan "new aerodynamic face" Timmons ran down fly balls all over left center field and even caught a couple of them.  Oops.  Tomika "Sweet T" Fuller gave 162% effort at first base laying out and nearly making a play on a foul ball that rivaled that other purple team in town.  Seriously Tomika, you've already made the team, save some of that greatness for the regular season.

On the other side of the ball, the Herd put on a series of free clinics!

• How to gracefully drop a bat in place after smashing the ball (101): Fantasy
• How to hit the snot out of a softball (202): C-Nix
• How to burn the opposing defense with unadulterated power (Seminar): SCA and Ice
• Deceptive baserunning (PE): Biggie
• Simply being awesome at life: Hep Cat Ketner and Goose

Next week, the Herd will again simulate battle with former dreaded rivals Compensated.  Be there!

Random Herd Facts:

The Herd is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for its bat and throwing arm.

The Herd won The Voice using only sign language

The Herd has a bear rug in its room. The bear isn't dead it is just afraid to move.

The Herd walked right into Area 51, bought a Snapple, and walked out. No one dared to move.

I can almost see it.....

After many years running a parallel race through the laurels of Wi Sa softball history, the two greatest heavyweights in Co Rec Softball history will collide this Thursday at 5:45 when Tuesday’s finest, The Tee Time’s will square off against our very own Mighty Purple Herd in one of the most anticipated scrimmages in the history of sport!!

Also, please mark your calendars for Thursday, March 30th when the Herd will finally,, face off against arch rival COMPENSATEDS for the 1st time in 3 years. Words can not even begin to describe the anticipation for this game that is pulsating through my purple veins at this very moment.

I urge you to make every effort possible to attend these two scrimmages and come in with an open heart and open mind to exploring new opportunities within this organization.


Thank you for your continued support of Herd Athletics!

Practice Makes Purple

Good Monday Purps!
Reminder: We will have practice session #2 THIS tHERDsday at 5:45 over at WP 4. As mentioned earlier, I have arranged for us to have about an extra hour or so of daylight. C-Nix, you’re up.

Also of note, Herd Management and Compensated Management are tentatively planning to do some pre season running somewhere in downtown Wi Sa this Tuesday around 4:45 if anyone is interested in joining in.

Thank you for your continued support of Herd Athletics!


Michael Swaim | Herd Administration
http://purpleherd.blogspot.com
Twitter: GoHerd15
Facebook Fan Page: Purple Herd
PayPal: GoHerd15

Purple Herd is in the hoooouuuuse toniiiiiight...

...HERDrybody just have a good time.  We just want to see you....Herd that.

[dance break]

All better now?  Let's resume our normally scheduled Herd Report.

Eddard Stark promised that winter was coming, however with the Herd's plan to reclaim the iron aluminum throne in the spring 2012 season, winter was clearly too scared to bring the cold and/or the pain.  Or any kind of real snow.  C'mon winter, what's up with that?  Anywho, on a warm March evening that was built for softball, the Mighty Herd took to the pits of WP #3 to remember how to play the game.

Notable on this evening was the return of not one, not two, but three Herd superstars from days gone by.  Ashley "A-Dub/The Legend" Perdue executed perfect Favre-ing and came back to the Herd after a brief stint in retirement.  The time off only seemed to re-ignite the fire in her belly as she smacked the ball all over the field with ease.  Bryan "with the new base distance, can you call me singles and a half?" Timmons also returned to the field after taking the fall to help teach a new baby about what's important in life and start grooming the little man for Herd v6.0.  And in a final twist of fate, Rose "I was here when the Herd Report was born" Ketner showed that her time playing for our arch nemesis only served to improve her skills, hitting like a champ and fielding as if she was wearing a gold glove instead of one that was filled with spiders.

Not to be outdone, the backbone of the Herd was well represented, as Scott "Goose" Walkush decided that, hey if we're not running bases, I'll just hit one over the fence instead of making an inside the park home run.  Chad "Biggie/Big E/Gazelle" White peppered the ball like seasoning on a fine steak, while John "Sparkles" Spivey provided sunflower seeds, questionable laundry tactics, and a blistering on the ball normally reserved for your shoulders on spring break back in Cancun in 2000.  Ah, the memories.  Herd Management continues to inspire the team with his mere presence, class, dignity, and funding for practice.  Seriously Coach, let us help pay for the field next time, mmmmkay?  Christopher "C-Nix" Nixon was a little late to the party and gave up his BP to help plan the newest PGF staple.  Homemade. Purple. Beer.  'Nuff said.

Representing a large portion of the clan, Heather "is it just Ice now?" and We$ "BGF" Miller decided that on this evening, one sport would not be enough, and shared softball duties with soccer and Jackson "he's gonna need a nickname too" as they (in no particular order) batted, fielded, wore shinguards as helmets, watered trees, and were generally just awesomesauce.

And there you have it!  We'll practice again next week with the benefit on Daylight Saving Time, and further solidify our plan for Thursday Co-Rec domination.

Awards:
(these are reserved for actual games, duh)

Random Herd Facts:

Camp Counselors warn Jason Voorhees when the Herd goes to summer camp.

The Herd once made a robot for its 8th grad science class - we now know this robot as the Terminator.

The Herd can get Blackjack with just one card.

When Alexander Bell invented the telephone he had 3 missed calls from the Herd.

Dont let the sun go down on Herd....

Despite an inexcusable daylight miscalculation by Herd Management, the Mighty Purple Herd kicked off the 2012 Spring season in glorious fashion Thursday night at historic Washington Park field #3. A redefined body, mind and soul for Goose paid off early, with Goose Going Yard for the 1st time in his illustrious career. Goose, no doubt inspired by the emotional appearance of all time Herd Superstar Wes "BGF" Miller was able to pull, push, yank and smack the ball at will, no doubt due to his reconstructed hamstring that has plagued this superstar for 6 grueling years.
It is always entertaining for Herd Management to catch up on what the Herdlings were up to during the long offseason. One particular adventure that perked interest of all involved was that of Herd own 3rd baseman, Sparkles. Sparkles decided to take his offseason activities to a whole new level, dipping into the bio-technology realm in an attempt to create a cure halitosis. Sparkles mixture of cleet, water, sweat, age, heat and funk did not exactly churn out the results he had hoped for, however it did give everyone a pure and true appreciation for personal hygiene.
The Herd Nation would also like to welcome back Ashley Perdue from her one year hiatus. The Legend has already provided huge dividends to the struggling Purp with her eye popping batting display that appears to have not an ounce of rust.
Heather "Ice, just drop the cream" Miller also appears to have been on a heavy regime of steroids, bating practice and Bojangles ice tea over the offseason, as she routinely inflicted pain on the 12" .44 core 375 compression softballs last evening. One could literally hear the softball scream as Miller smacked it around like a British nanny. The 3rd woman in attendance is no stranger to Herd Lore. Manager extrodinaire, Rose "Ket" Ketner showed why she was once the major cog of one of the most storied franchises in Thursday Co-Rec League History. Ket hit the ball with precision and accuracy that Herd Management did not know existed in this universe.
Brian "Doubles" Timmons fear that he may become Brian "Turn and Look" Timmons are unfounded to this point, as Doubles #4evr was able to track down seemingly impossible softballs in the outfield all day/night long. C"Freak"Nix wins the humanitarian with no sox award for his desire to forgo his batting practice for the overall safety of the team. The stunner of the evening came when Goose announced he may be absent for Game 1, leaving super reliever Chad "Biggie Gazelle" White to toe the rubber on the 1st Thursday of April.
Overall, Herd Management feels like this roster is going to surprise some teams this spring.
Next practice will be Thursday, March 15 @ 5:45. I have made arrangements to have the sun stay up for about an hour longer than we got last night.

Thank you for your Continued Support of Herd Athletics,

Herd Management

And away we go....

As you may have already Herd, today begins our Spring Season, with practice at WP 3 around 5:45 – 6:58. I would like to also reinstitute a Herd tradition starting today: Each and every Thursday shall from this point forward be referred to as Purple Herd THerdsday, meaning that you wear at least one article of prominent Purple clothing. If you do not have anything of the Purple nature on your body today, I suggest that you go home immediately and make this happen.

Also, beginning today the website will resume ongoing activity. Feel free to check http://purpleherd.blogspot.com continues updates and breaking news.

As a note, I have been able to secure not one, but TWO replacement women for this spring. Rose Ketner of Compensated fame has graciously agreed to help us out in times of need, as has Jeni from Mullen. I am excited to have those two cogs aboard the Herd train this spring.

The Herd is the Greatest

The HERD is The Greatest

HERD Report- 9-2-2011

The HERD is The Greatest by: R Kelly (originally performed by Michael Swaim)

The Herd is a mountain
The Herd is a tall tree
ooooh, we are a swift wind,
Sweepin' Forsyth County

The Herd is a river,
Down in the valley
ooooh, we are a vision
And we can see clearly

If anybody asks you who we are
Just stand up tall
Look 'em in the face and say

We’re that star up in the sky
We’re that mountain peak up high
Hey we made it, mmmmmm
The Herd is the greatest
And we’re that little bit of hope
When our back's against the ropes
We can feel it, mmmmmm
The Herd is the greatest
(the worlds greatest, worlds greatest , for ever )

The Herd is a giant
The Herd is an eagle
ooh, we are a lion
Down in the jungle

The Herd is a marchin' band
The Herd is the people
ooh, The Herd is a helping hand
The Herd is a hero

If anybody asks you who we are
Just stand up tall
Look 'em in the face and say

We’re that star up in the sky
We’re that mountain peak up high
Hey we made it, mmmmmm
The Herd is the greatest
And we’re that little bit of hope
When our back's against the ropes
We can feel it, mmmmmm
The Herd is the greatest
(the worlds greatest, worlds greatest , for ever )

In the ring of life we’ll rain love (we will rain) and the world will notice the HERD (oooohhhhh yahhhhh) when there is darkness Herd will shine a light (shine a light) and views of success reflect in the HERD

We’re that star up in the sky
We’re that mountain peak up high
Hey we made it, mmmmmm
The Herd is the greatest
And we’re that little bit of hope
When our back's against the ropes
We can feel it, mmmmmm
The Herd is the greatest
(the worlds greatest, worlds greatest , for ever )


The HERD is THE GREATEST!!!!


Last Night:
HERD- 18
Boneless Hushers (like we made them quiet, get it?)- Way less than the HERD


Absent Next Week? How could you not come after the clinic we put on last night?


Game Notes:

Complete opposites: Fire and Ice, Cheeseburgers and celery, Hitler and Ghandi, Lady GaGa and good music……The Herd two weeks ago and the HERD THIS WEEK!


In a season of ups and downs, on a night when EVERY Herd member was prepared for battle, The HERD unleashed one of the most ferocious a$$ whoopings anyone has ever dealt or received. The Bone Crushers were ironically doomed to a fate described simply by their own team name. We pummeled them mercilessly and took every. single. piece of glory from the blood laden field of dirt and chalk.

To be quite honest, last night’s events are a bit of a blur to me as I reflect this morning, simply because EACH and EVERY member of the HERD contributed, at some point or another, superior athletic ability and hitting prowess. In my short and life-changing stint as a member of the HERD, I have NEVER seen us hit, field and run so well, with so much stamina that the only thing that might ever come close to rivaling it would be a mythical ballerina cheetah with the feet of John Travolta, the biceps of Hulk Hogan, the head of Michael Jackson and the eyes of a hawk wearing a Lynard Skynard t shirt.

After the HERD had established a commanding lead through 4 innings of play, the softball gods felt inclined to let the world know that a new era had been born. The wind howled, the sky went black, leaves covered the field, and the rains of rebirth washed down upon the HERD as we marched to victory, representing the cleansing of our past and the destiny of greatness to come in our future just like Natalie Portman in the movie “V for Vendetta” when she stands on the rooftop in the rain with V. Only in this case, the circumstances were much more important than some silly revolution that affected the lives of entire countries and human rights. This was serious. This was HERD softball at it’s finest……this was perfection.

The bats came alive on this night, with each and every Herd member putting good wood on the ball and contributing to our massively enormous run total. Our new balls were the star of the evening, deciding to travel over the outfield fence three times and setting a HERD record for the first time we have EVER maxed out our home run allowance in the process. Led by Christopher Nixon aka “FreakNix” aka “C-NIX” aka “Who is Albert Puhols?…..” aka “lets see if I can lose all of the new balls Sparkles just bought by hitting them over Peters Creek Parkway”, the night was a display of magic set in motion by the encouragement of our fearless leader, Coach Swaim.

Misty “Minch” Inch showed everyone why she will be on the cover of a Wheaties box by the end of the fall with her rocket single to centerfield, scoring a run and increasing the Herd’s lead. Scott “Goose” Walkush didn’t surprise anybody at all by hitting his 3874579475457467346578646574 inside the park home run of his career, proving once again that his sweat should be bottled and auctioned on eBay and all proceeds should be put towards the national deficit, thereby generating so much revenue that we actually end up with a government surplus and with that surplus money, create HSN, HERD Sports Network, where every single American is required, by law, to watch every HERD game that is played, with the consequences of not watching that you will be hit in the face with a fastball thrown by local HERD supporters that must be greater than or equal to the force of the average airspeed velocity of an unladen Swallow, African or European.

Newcomer Gina destroyed the ball again, and spared my life as I coached third base in the process. Chris Pfffhfffpfffol’s prowess at the plate made me wonder if Tee Time is the name of his other softball team or if he owns a company called Tee Time that specializes in bringing pain to anything their customers wish. Fantasy slapped the yellow out of the ball and reached first with the speed of Jackie Joyner-Kersey mixed with a Lamborghini. MikeSwaim embarrassed the other teams pitcher by destroying the ball like it was a metaphorical HERD loss. I was waiting for him to go and grab his freshly hit line drive ball, grab it with both hands, rip it in half, then crumble the remains into dust, then do the LeBron pregame powder fiasco with said dust.

Shannon Craft has created an image for herself with her baffling ability at the plate that has created some strange symptoms for the rest of the team. I’m not sure if there is a medical diagnosis for this, but what is it called when someone is so good that every time you look at her you see a dark silhouette filled with graffiti style words that are synonymous with greatness?? Studies have shown these symptoms to be present in 107% of people who have seen her play, and have dubbed the blessing: “Craftwreaksofgreatnessandblindsyouwithabilitysoshutuporshewillmeltyourfacewithherlimitlesstalent-osis” and the only cure is mercy provided by Chuck Norris. Translation- there is no cure.

Heather “Ice” Miller put on a dazzling display in left field and hit the crap out of the ball for the HERD. It brought tears to my eyes.You, ma’am, are a major valve operating the heart of the machine that is “HERD Softball.” The Gazelle was back to his old tricks, smashing line drives and picking off rocket line drives at third, representing Appalachian State with his timeless “Appoholics” shirt. The day his game uniform matches everyone else’s will be the day the HERD collapses forever. Big E, don’t you go-a-changin’. J-Dub Johnson also gave the fans what they came for with her killer instinct and fierce eye at the plate, connecting on a pitch that sent the infielder scampering for cover and unable to make a play at first. She also offered her backpack for Sparkles to hide his phone from the Purple Rain, preserving an expensive and important item that would have cost many dollars to replace and given him problems with his recently acquired legal marriage partner.

All I know is, King Joffrey better be glad that The Herd isn’t on the hit HBO series “Game of Thrones” because we would hit soft-toss line drives on the battlefield, viscously eliminating our enemies in less than 7minutes and renaming the Seven Realms to HERDland. Then we would create mini theme parks where each member of the HERD would rule, requiring our captives to recite inspirational quotes to us constantly, travelling minstrels to play theme music whenever we walk based on the mood we are in, people would use pictures of HERD members as currency, and every chef from the Food Network to cook us meals that we would eat at our HERD dining table on the top of a mountain surrounded by babies that never cry and re-enactments of our fondest childhood memories performed by ONLY Academy Award winning actors.

HERD Awards:

The Shannon Craft Award for being Shannon Craft goes to Misty Inch. Misty, I felt the pain of the ball you hit to center field. I'm surprised it didn’t evaporate.
The Chris Nixon Award for nearly losing our brand new softballs while simultaneously wowing everyone with raw power goes to Chris Nixon!
The HERD Greatness Award goes to the entire HERD squad. Without us all, this wouldn’t have been possible.

Random HERD Facts:

The HERD doesn't throw softballs fast….softballs are terrified of HERD hands and flee that quickly.
Tapeworms give food to the HERD
Cans of whoopass have the HERD's team photo on the label.


Be proud HERD. Last night, we played softball. We did everything it takes to be winners, and we made it look sexy. Enough said.

HERD For Life.

Love always,

Sparkles